Feel miserable and dead inside

I'm lying in bed writing this. I'm so grateful for these forums. Thank god for a place to reach out where I know I'm not alone.

I have this terrible ache, this void, this misery. Partially from the bipolar but also from past abuse. And not so far past. I feel burned out. Depleted. I work with people and I have to be "on" all the time. And now I feel like the flame inside me is dying. I want my spirit back, my happiness back, the spark in me back. I want my mood to stop dictating how I see life. Currently I see life as a terrible thing.

I was going to say more but now I'm pooped. Will try to sleep. Thank you. Any feedback would be great.

I'm so sorry to hear how much you're struggling, forward, and my heart goes out to you. I'm glad you can find some solace in these forums, as I and many others do. Keep writing as long as it helps you.

From what you've said about having a void inside and the misery you're suffering through, it reminds me very much of my depressive episodes. Do you have a psychiatrist you can see for a medication change? That, for me, would be my first port of call. I also really hope you've got someone you can talk to about the abuse you've suffered- ideally a therapist, but also people close to you, members of a face-to-face support group etc. can help.

I witnessed a lot of abuse between my parents and had a highly dysfunctional family life growing up, and talking to a counsellor I trusted did help somewhat with the pain from the past. Having a good psychiatrist (pdoc) to turn to for the right meds has also helped my mood enormously when depressed in the past.

Just know that you're not alone and there are people here who care about how you're doing, even if you don't know them in the traditional sense. My thoughts are with you at this hard time. Sending hugs, if wanted.

Thanks. Yes, I've been in therapy since I was 18 non-stop (now almost 43 years old). Have a psychiatrist. Just had a med change. It's helping somewhat with the depression. The anxiety and PTSD I have is also less but continues.

Last night I didn't get a lot of sleep. Normally I sleep a lot. I get nervous when that happens b/c I'm afraid I"ll get hypomanic at work.

I'm also starting to worry about money. No problems yet but my business took a bit of a dip the last couple of weeks. I know my husband gets anxious about this too and that doesn't help. So my anxiety runs around that a lot.

Blah.

Hey forward,

I had the worst depression of my life last year. It lasted for 6 months. At first, it crept up and I didn't think much of it; I just thought the world was getting a little bleaker day by day, week by week. I didn't think there was anything terribly wrong; just off, like it tends to get occasionally.

After I was in it for about 3 months I began to experience the symptoms you're describing. I have to tell you, you're not alone, and I know pretty damn close to exactly what that feels like. Zombified, paralyzed, hopeless. I felt like i was in an intricate simulation created by higher beings and my life was intrinsically meaningless. I couldn't prove this, of course, so I wasn't sure I believed it completely either. The lack of falsifiability just made the inner debate maddeningly pointless.

I felt like there was a sludge behind my eyes and it had begun to coat my brain. Like a lead weight gripping the exterior of the lobe, creating a dulling effect. Conversations with people reinforced this notion, as nothing seemed to really get through as it had previously.

I told my PDoc and you should too. Fast. Even when I went on Lamictal and titrated up, I hadn't yet felt the full force of the depression. My rock bottom was just before the medication started working.

It is all in your head. Do yourself a favor, and act fast. The sooner you get on top of this, the easier everything will slowly become. In the meantime, console yourself with empathizers. Or sympathizers, in our case here. The whole ''you're not alone'' thing stops being so cliche when you're in one of these pickles. Don't be scared to reach out.

Hi forward, I know this feeling well. It's definitely a sign that I'm depressed, but I've gotten better at recognizing it and at also realizing that it'll go away eventually, so I wait it out. Like Pleasureman said, reach out to your psychiatrist and let them know what's going on so you can adjust meds if you need to (even though you just switched them up) and maybe get some relief. When I feel like this, sleep is my escape and it sucks when I sleep too much and then can't because that avenue of relief is gone. In any case, I hope you're feeling a little better (or at least that you got your sleep mojo back).