Not sure how to handle my situation. Advice is welcome.

Lil backstory- My mom has Munchausen's by proxy (undiagnosed, but I don't know what else it could be) and did things like feed me foods she knew I was allergic to, and try to push meds on my dad and I. He also has bipolar, but they always called it "manic depression". My dad was on meds since before I was born. According to my mom she refused to have kids until he got help. That's all great and wonderful, but his meds have always been the wrong dosage.

Sometime in my teens, my mom decided I had manic depression. My dad's mood swings freaked me out. I was terrified I'd be "ok" for half a month then fly off the handle at everything, as he did for the other half. My mom usually would intentionally get a rise out of him to play victim later.

After I was diagnosed as bipolar, I found that it and manic depression are the same thing. I was confused however, because I never seemed to feel "depressed". I didn't even seem to have worse than neutral moods. Usually I could only even remember crying once every 6 months or so, and even that was normally forced. I felt weird for never crying, so I did things like read 911 calls till I did. I know that's maybe messed up sounding, but I felt weird that I never cried.

After a talk with my psychologist, something seemed to make me doubt my lack of memory. Turns out I've had bipolar amnesia has been kicking it into overdrive for years. My boyfriend told me that almost every month I wind up having several extreme "hopeless meltdowns" over something that's usually fairly trivial. A couple of my friends I talked to sent me screencapped messages I sent them that I didn't remember, but I had my own copy of proving this was reality.

Ever since I was forced to quit caffeine and improve my diet, my ADHD has calmed down as well as my compulsive behavior. The bad/good news is I now seem to remember snippets of my meltdowns. There were days I convinced myself I took off work sick, but I now I remember "I just couldn't work" because I decided something that wasn't logical was true that day. Thankfully I'm self-employed, so I won't be fired for missing too many days, but I don't know what to do. I'm not on any meds. My therapist seems to believe I'm somewhere between bipolar I and II (I'm pretty sure it's bipolar I and my schizoid PD makes me seem more quiet and together).

I've read many bipolar meds make memory worse. I also have fibromylgia, and my memory can get bad enough due to that (fibro makes you lose vocab easily, and randomly forget what you were saying when it's bad). I have a huge need to feel in control, and am terrified of potentially making my situation worse.

It's so bad that even now I can remember having the issue, but my brain refuses to think for more than a few seconds on what happened when I was in the depressive state (not that I want to focus on it, but I hate not being able to remember).

I have selective mutism as well, and have had a hard time reaching out lately while dealing with these issues. I figured it might help to move things along if others shared any insight.

Hi Holodeck,

It sounds as if you've been through a tremendous amount and have quite a few complex medical issues to deal with in addition to the bipolar. I'm sorry to hear that and my heart goes out to you. One of the first things I'd try to sort out if I was in your situation would be to see a specialist for each of your medical concerns e.g. a psychiatrist for your bipolar. I hope this is a possibility for you, as I feel like having the correct support for your needs would allow your general health to improve and for you move on in whatever direction you'd like to.

Regarding bipolar and memory issues, I've faced those as well. I'm still on a lot of powerful medication (one mood stabiliser and two antipsychotics) after my psychotic break last year, and it's definitely made my memory poorer. My pdoc says that the meds I'm on don't directly affect memory, but they do concentration, which in turn can worsen recall. I also have had chunks of memory missing from when I've been really ill i.e. manic/psychotic or severely depressed.

Hope this helps somewhat. Just know that you're not alone and people here are ready to support you. Hugs, if wanted.

Thank you for the reply Ennui.

From what I understand the difference between a psychiatrist and psychologist is the psychologist can't prescribe meds whereas a psychiatrist can. I have had a cognitive behavioral psychologist for a while now (though she'll be gone the next two weeks). I normally see her weekly, and I find visiting helps a lot. Needless to say due to my mother I've built up a phobia of being put on meds.

I think I may have to be though. Thing is I thought I was way more high-functioning (just ya know "with issues") but thing is being also Schizoid PD means for me seems to mean that I only have my more manic/psychosis issues when I'm alone (aside from my boyfriend who I guess is the pseudo-exception. Usually those bits start with me messaging him while having a meltdown though). Obviously I have little to no clue what all I may have done while alone. Back when I was more bipolar than SPD I used to do things that frankly should've gotten me arrested. Needless to say there's concern, and I have mentioned this to my psychologist.

I have a medical issue that I'd like to take care of first, as I'm not sure how things will go if I have to mix meds...Sorry I feel like I'm going in circles now.