I've changed too much

I remember when I was very little I was so full of life and vigour. I was curious, confident and generally happy. My dad especially loved to be silly with me and take me on adventures in the city.

I changed dramatically when I was in 1st grade. I would have serious rages all the time and was genrerally unhappy.
From then on I turned to video games as a coping mechanism until I was eighteen. I feel that this deprived me of a developmental stage by taking me away from people.

Puberty hit hard. I became hostile, cynical and lonely. Dad stopped opening himself up to me because I was too belligerent. We only really engage with each other now on a purely intellectual level.

Over time I've just become jaded, numb and apathetic. I know it's probably because my illness finally reared its head during puberty. I just feel that something in me has been lost and that I can't find it. Hypomania briefly filled the hole but of course it is never enough.

Now I don't pay attention at university, nor do I even try to focus. I float through life without really engaging in anything. I took my first and only girlfriend for granted and eventually neglected her.

I know it's true for everyone else but I am so tired of how my illness has changed me.

I'm tired of how much of my life/opportunities it's taken away from me too. I'm only 19, but the ones that come to mind are: prom, graduating with my friends, cute teen romance, the high school experience in general, going to university with my grade.

I really hope I learn how to cope better so I don't miss out on even more.