Sexuality

UpDownAround wrote:@Holodeck Unfortunately, when I said "no desire to have a desire" I mean that quite literally. But she went into what may be unrecoverable territory with a remark not long ago. When I asked her to carefully consider the words she had used because it was one of the most hurtful things anyone has ever said to me, she said she meant exactly what she said.

I'm so sorry. Truly wish I could offer more than simple best wishes.

I can get a very high sex-drive and I do have some lovers in my back-pocket.

But I think they are more collectively cyclic as they are generally fairly synchronized when contact me. It may be silent for some time and then for some reason (weather? Season? moon? ) their needs seem to activate more or less simultaneiously.

Its very convenient when we are synchronized with my hypo-periods . On the other hand, my sexdrive may be influenced or pushed back by my general hypo-nerdiness. If I dig myself into something (projects, writing, reading, painting, people, etc Then I might forget about the sex for some time. But sex is not the only thing I forget about during those periods - I forget about other things such as those basic needs that are located at the lower part of Maslows hiererchy of needs:

1 Physiological needs food, water, sleep are clearly unnecessary. Sex-drive correlates with the level of nerdiness. However, both nerdiness and sexdrive are generally more important than food and sleep.

2 Safety is not relevant - quite the opposite, - risks to ones general health and life (food and water intake) , forgetting to turn off stove, walk out in the street without looking as one is so fascinated by all the thoughts that are circulating in ones head, economy etc. If being in sex-mode, safe sex is not really all that terribly important always. Well, judgement is highly arbitrary anyways.

3 Love and belonging is not really relevant either since one is so happy up in ones own head. Sometimes when ones hypo-focus is targeted towards one person (for random reasons that might be highly fascinating and engaging in different ways) one may confuse hypomanic targeting towards the person with passion, love, emotions etc etc. This time around I have become unusually eager and pressing. I am in such a situation right now and I might have scared him off. (I also suspect that he has AsPD - which probably increase the risk that he will not get back to me - But I still have my other lovers and not so terribly concerned)

So, If in sexmode - love and belonging can be replaced with sex. If one loves someone and have that deep feeling of belonging - they may just turn into a sex-object for the time being. The best thing is if ones lover is nerdy about exactly the same thing as oneself during that period of time. As such there are more than one reason to stay locked up in the apartment for days and days. Talk about some narrow topics, eat and have sex. Then you watch them sleep and sit with the computer next to them and write on 3 articles at the same time, just love yourself and then watch them wake up in the morning.

4 Self-Actualization, the final step. I think that self-actualization is sort of happening at all steps on the ladder in some arbitrary manner. It is evidently happening already down at the bottom step. One self-actualizes before sleep, eat, sex. Perhaps self-actualization isn't the best term. It should be a flexible term - perhaps hypo-realization. One can then also hypo-actualyze oneself sexually and go off exploring all sorts of things out of the ordinary and find ones own sexuality as a hypo-target and area of self-realization.

Maslow obviously didn't have bipolars in mind when he developed his hierarchy of needs.


Well now at the writing momentit is 6 am. Yesterdays food intake 1 banana, 1 coffee, a couple of crackerbreads.