So many reasons I'm scared

Hi,

I have been thinking a lot about the last two years and I'm scared that I've done a lot of horrible things bc maybe i was hypomanic during those times, or during the times i came up with the idea and then continued to move forward with them after I'd committed to the idea. I married a guy that's my complete opposite after dating for a year, got breast implants I'd never wanted before in my life, became a stripper even though i have a very good salaried day job, bought a house even though i hate the city I'm in and its suburbs even more, almost left my job to go back to school for a completely different career, started trying to have a kid even though I've never in my life wanted one (i have since stopped trying, came to my senses... And yeah, i know i should never breed) , came back to job and quit school (thank god they let me), and a lot of other things similar to these in level of drama and impulsivity. I've recently started piecing together all the things I've done, how weird and messed up they are, and how severely they deviate from who i am as a person. I feel lost and scared that I've messed myself up so much i can't recover, even though on the surface no one would have any idea how damaged i am. My husband doesn't seem phased, he adores me and appears to be along for the ride as long as I'm happy. Apparently I'm such a good faker i didn't even realize i was lying to both of us. I can't believe the things I've done. My adult life is littered with similar events, but lately it's been much worse.
I tried ADs + mood stabilizers last year, mostly looking at ones that would be ok to take while pregnant. I tried Zoloft, Wellbutrin, Abilify, Rexulti, and lithium (only very briefly). I got fed up with it all and just decided to go without while trying to get pregnant. I put myself in Wellbutrin XL again, bc i was getting depressed last month. I feel generally better but hypo fairly often. Being aware of it has helped.
I'm scared i need mood stabilizers. On one hand, i don't think i trust myself anymore. I can't make good decisions for myself and i keep hurting myself with these ridiculous life decisions. I'm lucky I've not really messed up my life beyond repair. On the other, i don't want to feel like a robot and I'm afraid of just being depressed, never seeing the spark of hypo. I don't see the point in being alive if i can't look forward to getting that edge in those fleeting moments. It feels right, i feel like I'm myself. But then i do stuff i regret.
I also am scared that if i get on mood stabilizers my insurance will get all jacked up the rest of my life. I think bipolar is already on my medical history, so i don't know if it matters anymore. Once it's there it's there, right?
What do i do? Has anyone been in this situation? I don't want to be on meds, i don't want to feel numb to life. I already hate my life, i can't imagine not feeling anything in addition to that. I seriously wonder why bother if i can't feel things. Help, please. If anyone suggest i go for stabilizing meds, please explain to me why that is a life worth living bc right now i don't see it, not for me.
I feel like I'm floating between depression and hypo right now, and i feel like I'm caught in some sort of torsional torture device. I'm being stretched to my limits in both directions, and i feel like I'm going to pop if i don't do something, if something doesn't change. I've considered divorce and am burning to move lately. Help help help.

Hi and a warm welcome to the forum from me! It sounds as if you've been through a tremendous amount and, like many of us with bipolar, have made some decisions in life you perhaps wouldn't have had your mood been stable. It really seems as if you're struggling at the minute though, especially if you don't feel as if your life is worth living, and it sounds like it might be a good idea to see a psychiatrist and begin some treatment. You need and deserve some relief from the erratic moods and decision making.

I know it can be a scary prospect, thinking about going on to mood stabilisers, but from my own personal experience they haven't made me numb, only made the mood swings much more manageable and have evened things out. I'm in the UK so don't know how being treated for bipolar could affect your insurance, I'm afraid. Hopefully others will chime in on the insurance issue.

As I'm sure you well know, untreated bipolar can wreak havoc on the sufferer's life, as well as on those around them, and if left without treatment the episodes can get more frequent and more severe as time goes on. No one can tell you what to do, obviously, but since life with untreated bipolar has been taking in toll, maybe it's time to try going down another path, that of treatment, and see where it leads you. Of course, if after some time, you find being on meds isn't for you (bearing in mind it can take some trial and error to find the 'right' meds), you could always come off them again. You have to think, what have you got to lose?

Hope this helps and perhaps moves you closer to making a decision about seeking treatment or not, as the case might be. Sending hugs, if wanted.

I think a lot of people experience fear with medications. There's a long list of side effects attached to each and it's impossible to tell if you will experience any of them. I recommend talking to a doctor and looking into taking medication. Six years after being diagnosed, I'm still looking for the right combination. I don't want to give the idea that meds fix everything, but they shrink the demons.

I also enjoy my hypo moments, but I tend to get annoying. Taking my meds, including some mood stabilizers, hasn't put me in a gray middle of blah. I still have hypo tendencies like starting projects, a few too many thoughts to express. However, I don't get so wired that I talk too much or start annoying everyone around me, like I used to. I still have creative juices, I enjoy art, music, and writing. I feel like I'm still a dorky, happy sort of person, but in a manageable way.

Hope this helps. Keep us updated.

[quote="bluedragon1200"]I think a lot of people experience fear with medications. There's a long list of side effects attached to each and it's impossible to tell if you will experience any of them. I recommend talking to a doctor and looking into taking medication. Six years after being diagnosed, I'm still looking for the right combination. I don't want to give the idea that meds fix everything, but they shrink the demons.

I also enjoy my hypo moments, but I tend to get annoying. Taking my meds, including some mood stabilizers, hasn't
Hope this

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