Looking for Success Stories and Hope *TW*

Today's one of those days where my thoughts dwell on fantasies of last words and suicide. The loudest voice in my head says that my life is hopeless, I am broken, and happiness is a myth. All there is is being high whether from mania or drugs or love or what have you. I keep reading articles about overcoming depression in the hopes that I can find an approach to get me through but so many of them center around identifying and pursuing goals and hopes and dreams but I just don't have any...? When I'm manic I believe that I do but I don't trust those feelings anymore and most of the time I don't want anything. I don't want to want anything. More than wanting to die, I don't want to live.

I can't help but shake the feeling that to try to convince myself that I am a fool to think that I can have any kind of existence beyond a mood swing. I'm feeling lonely and hopeless and lost. I know that everyone is different and that I'll always live with this to some extent but I'm having trouble finding hope and holding onto possibilities of a future that has some sense of stability, real emotions, and an existence worth maintaining.

Does anyone have stories or experiences of getting better to share?

Have you visited Natasha Tracy's website?

I just escaped a mixed episode. I wanted to die so badly, was in massive debt, left my job, was isolated and drunk 24/7, had no emotional connection and support, was getting evicted, and really thought i was better off dead.

I ended up admitting myself to inpatient. Slowly i got a medication adjustment, and became happy. Met some absolutely amazing people in the ward, who i could Actually relate to.

And now it is simply an experience that made me this much stronger.

I've been through many ups and downs. Mostly low moods episodes. In the end, once I am stable I can see things for what they really are. Are you severely depressed right now?

I am able to enjoy just sitting down and feeling the warm sun. I can enjoy watching all my favorite movies over and over. My story is ongoing. I do feel I've been successful in feeling good and happy about myself and my life, overall. It's those low moods that tell us lies about what is true and important in life.

I am going through a low at this time, not too bad, but I'm waiting for my meds to kick in so that I can feel stable again. I go through my ups and downs so don't think that I've got it all figured out. I hope you feel better soon. Take good care. And hugs if wanted.

A mantra that I learned in Group Therapy is:

I am here.
I am alive.
I will cope.

Right now is a success story.
Right now is all that matters.
I want to say the mantra again tomorrow, when "tomorrow" is "right now".
If I have to, I will say it again in 5 minutes.
It will be another success story in 5 minutes.

If I have to, I will sit in an armchair and clutch the armrests for 5 minutes and not give in to the noise in my head.

Just so you know. I've been there.
I am not there now.

I am here.
I am alive.
I will cope.

Thanks for all the replies. Since this post I've had some more time for my new meds (lamotrigine/lamictal) to kick in and things are getting much better already.

much love

Thanks for the update and I am truly glad you are doing better.

Glad you are better by now But if you'd still like to read something – not sure it qualifies as a success story but it made me feel much better about myself – check out The Bloggess (Jenny Lawson) – either the books or the blog, or both. I decided I am going to be her when I grow up.