New and in Serious Distress. Bipolar II *TW*

Hi Everyone,

I guess I've just joined this forum to not feel so isolated and desperately alone.

For years I had been diagnosed with Depression and ADD/ ADHD Combined Type (and switched around on diff meds. Wheee!), and I am absolutely furious that no psych doc I ever spoke with caught that I had SERIOUS Anxiety Disorder, as indicated and self-medicated by regular, life-damaging drinking (which contributed to me squandering EVERY positive opportunity in my entire life!!). Had I simply been put on Xanax then, I might have actually BEEN somewhere in my life by now; I drank to take the sickening "edge" off, which was unbearable. I'm sure some of you can relate. Xanax (Alprazolam) kicks this "need" to drink. I never actually became an alcoholic, believe it or not.

Anyway, I recently checked myself into a Mental Health Care Facility where they finally diagnosed me with Bipolar II. They ended up kicking me out (for acting out? In a MENTAL INSTITUTION!? How the HELL was I supposed to know the RULES?? Also, since then, I've been dropped by 2 Therapists, so my self-esteem on being able to get treatment is at an all-time low in desperation!) So, upon learning of my Bipolar II diagnosis, I realized it fit, and once again, the anger at anyone who ever treated me having missed this returned. I am now 36, feel I have wasted or lost or had stolen by my own stupidity and over-trusting nature, every single good thing in my life. I am now living in poverty, have utter disdain for myself, and have been recently prescribed Lamictal (Lamotrigine) (200mg 2/day), along with the Carbamazepine I was recently put on, starting at the hospital (300mg/ 2x day). The Carbamazepine has helped a little, tho not enough, obv.

To get to the point, these past few months I've mostly given up on my entire life, don't care about living anymore, think about suicide a LOT, yet don't feel I'd ever actually go through with it (though sometimes I feel like I really WANT TO). I crawled into bed over 2 months ago and am barely, slowly trying to come out. I think a big contributing factor of it is that the sick, $$-grubbing Government Institution called Child Protective Services took away my 1 y/o when a neighbor agreed to watch my baby when I went to the post office for 36 (!!) minutes and instead of watching baby, he called the police, who called CPS, who brow beat me into a panic and forcibly coerced me to unknowingly sign my kid away. Yeah. Seriously. This hasn't helped my mental state. Anyway, I was forced to push my Public Defender off my case cos she was filthy dirty, in cahoots with CPS, and for the next 6 months I was SUPER MOTIVATED, working day and night on fighting my case. I finally burned out; they'd beaten me and I gave up. I have nothing left, and am barely hanging onto being able to possibly get my kid back, cos they're using my mental illness against me (my treatment is going slowly but surely, and when I had bb, I WAS getting by, and IN THERAPY!!), and they're saying I'm an alcoholic, which is bullsh*t.

But I can now, having hit the wall of a lifetime of wasted opportunities, total loss of sense of self as having ANY kind of self-worth, feeling ZERO JOY or point in life at all, totally feel the desire to END IT ALL. I'm utterly bereft. I'm a piece of $#%^ single mom on welfare. Part of me has zero idea how I got here, as a good-looking, Ivy League educated, well-traveled and intelligent person, but intellectually I understand that I've been sick all my life and it's all just now finally caught up to me, where I have no escape this time. "Intellectually" doesn't matter for sh*t in this situation of utter misery.

I feel like human garbage; like nothing. Like nobody. Just sucking up resources and a burden who the world would be better without. I'm still hanging on though, to try to get my kid back (despite ever really having had a chance to bond with him, what with my Postpartum Depression and all!; I REFUSE to let "The System" rip him away to some abusive, effed-up kid-raising money factory!!), and I guess I do hang on because of some feeling in some part of me does actually hold hope in the future. But it's murder (haha?) going through this struggle, especially with these hostile people constantly attacking me. It's all I can do to keep it together.

For me, I'm looking to supplement my meds with Abilify (tho I've gained weight and scared to gain more, as I used to be bulimic and my self-esteem is highly linked to my appearance, and Abilify has that possible side-effect). I just need to feel better. I'm willing to try ANY meds at this point. I feel like I'm dying; disappearing. Im trying to get up the gumption to get a job at the grocery store across the street. I trashed my car last year; my last asset and my last symbol of freedom. My goal now is to get enough $$ for a crappy car, get my kid back, and get the hell out of this miserable, white trash town, to a positive, religious Jewish town in NJ where a couple friends live. I have lived religious before and now I feel this is the only thing I can do to have any real meaning in my life. But that's just me.

So, anyway: God help us. I guess that's all there is to say.

I'd LOVE some peoples' experiences on different Bipolar II combos involving Lamictal (Lamotrigine), Carbamazepine, Alprazolam (Xanax), and Dextroamphetamine (which I take for my ADD/ ADHD Combined Type and to help me just even begin to get out of bed, when I actually DO get out of bed these days!).

I'm starting on adding Abilify on Monday, pending insurance approval.

ANYONE w/ Experiences with Lamictal/ Abilify/ Carbamazepine? Experiences with a BETTER combination with Lamictal/ Carbamazepine/ ANY SSRI or Mood Stabilizer (without weight gain?)

ANY BIPOLAR II PEOPLE WITH COMBOS THAT WORKED FOR THEM ARE GREATLY APPRECIATED!! I'M DESPERATE!!

Hello BipolarGal -

I'm BP I instead of BP II, but for what it's worth, I take extended release Lithium Carbonate supplemented with Escitalopram (generic Lexapro), usually as needed, though it is generally not prescribed that way. If I feel my mood is swinging too high, I stop taking it and resume if I swing low.

Perhaps it's combination worth discussing with others.

David

Hi there!
I felt I had to offer up at least some reactions to yr long and difficult post.
You surely are having a bad time of it thats for sure. Reading yr post again I sort of got the feeling of a pattern which at least in parts is familiar to me as well. I certainly live daily with Scdl.Ideation, it is an all too familiar daily partner in my life. I too recognise the long times a'bed. I have it and can sometimes spend some months in that condition. I even have a name for it that I use with my (ever patient) Pdoc - I call it 'Half-world'. I recognise self loathing. I suspect there are many here who recognise large parts of yr post. My point is there is a pattern here which is experienced by many, many others; it is that repeating pattern we all call BP. You are not alone. You have eloquently described the disorder - not you.
Much like you I lost myself in the primeval soup of the disorder; its groteque symptoms and daily outcomes ( including for me life on the streets). When I was finally diagnosed I found a lot of fellow travellers and support from many places including this wonderful forum. I learnt that there is me and the disorder. They are two different things - albeit joined in life. You can use the one to attack and control the other.
You sound to me a pretty clued in person - you certainly can write very eloquently. You want yr life back. You want yr child back - which means recognising the difference between self and BP and getting yourself back. To do that means Meds and creating life strategies and habits. To do that means a basic belief in yourself and trust in yr pdoc. Good luck! Having just reread the above it sounds like a sermon - its not supposed to be; just a wish to support from an concerned fellow traveller.... I hope anyway things get a lot better for you - keep up the good fight!

@BipolarGal,
I hope you can get everything worked out really soon so that you can get your child back. Do everything in your power to get stable and get the procedure moving through to get them back. Hugs if wanted.

robbi writes:
My point is there is a pattern here which is experienced by many, many others; it is that repeating pattern we all call BP.

This is a good way to put it robbi. It's not me, it's the "repeating pattern we call BP." Exactly.

Hi BipolarGal -

Just checking in - been off the forum for a bit. I hope things are going better for you.

Robbi said a lot of very important things, and I agree with his sentiments. You are far from alone - I think the count is maybe one in fifty people that experience bipolar issues. We learn to cope with it, and at times we even appreciate the strengths we have learned to garner against it. And it is not you, nor does it consume you. It is a challenge, an obstacle, or it can be a charge, a boost. You are the human being operating within this challenge, strategizing against it. There will never be any shame here in succumbing to the bad ways being bipolar can make one feel about oneself, and there will always be cheers and support for you when you make it through a rough patch.

I like your forum name. It says you know where you are and what you're dealing with. That is strong. I'm with you in spirit and experience all the way.

Kind wishes,

David