I cant think of a title

Bipolar II

I was raised in environmental Concoction of guilt, blame, and regret.
My school taught me that every time you breath you sin. If you don't repent your sins you are going to hell. Mental Illness is not really an illness, it means the person is weak, lazy, and desperate for seeking attention. "Medicine is a crutch". I did have a supportive opposing force. I think that probably helped. I wanted someone to tell me how to change and build character. I think I have tried every coping mechanism known to man and I have a notebook brimming with research. Failing only added to the fuel and eventually I started getting sick.

I swear I have a point.

So fast forward 2 years of treatment I am having a terrible terrible time. This has lasted unusually long and I have symptoms that are a little scarier than before. I have no intention of stopping meds, while effectiveness is spotty it's a lot easier to breath. I am in therapy once every 1-2 week(s).

I need someone to hear me because I feel like I'm screaming. I am now able to identify some symptoms in the moment. I'm missing a disturbing amount of memories but one example is that I was able to identify a paranoid thought. I mean I was still mad and felt like I was right just not in a "I can't believe you are going to lie to my face this is obviously correct stop lying" way. It prevented a fight and I know I couldn't see the possibility that I was wrong before.

Again, I swear I have a point.

This is progress, this is good. But now I have to wonder if I should have been quicker about it, or I am not working hard enough to have more awareness. Even so far back that I wonder if I'm not Bipolar and just have an overactive imagination​ or an excuse for my flaws. And as much as it would suck to find that out about myself, I need to know.
Also (unrelated but curious) This is ridiculously hard to explain so I hope someone can decode. I can't really understand the separation of thoughts and mood. If the thought contrasts my mood it has absolutely no power. They're just a string of words.
Anndd is it normal to have a thought process that is loud and annoying and it feels unnatural in your head? But it's not like a voice, it just doesn't connect to my mind naturally?

Ugh. This post sounds weird and snotty. I swear I'm just not really sorting words right. I'm so sorry for the long post and I will be forever grateful for input.

Thank you!!

It must have been extremely difficult to grow up in an environment which actively discouraged taking meds for mental illness and caused so many negative emotions surrounding it. I'm glad you've managed to move past that to a certain degree now.

I'm sorry your treatment isn't fully effective and I'd urge you to discuss your meds with your psychiatrist. I went for a couple of years with inadequate pdocs (and therefore insufficient treatment) but I wish so much that I'd got a second opinion and had my meds sorted out during that time. I've struggled with paranoia when manic, but it's something that can be treated with the right meds.

From what I've read and heard from others, it's quite common in bipolar for people to doubt their diagnosis, but it's a part of the illness itself. Please don't be tempted to come off your meds or do anything drastic to try and 'test' whether you indeed do have bipolar, as that could have serious consequences.

As for the separation of thoughts and moods, I find that the mood predominates, and the thoughts I have are then in line with my mood at the time. If I have random thoughts that don't fit with my mood, they don't tend to stick or have any real hold on me. However, this is just my experience; others may differ.

I hope you'll get something out of my reply, and that others chime in, too. Hopefully you'll be able to have your meds altered to achieve stability- it can be a difficult process but it's possible. Hugs to you, if wanted.

I'm in the same line of thinking as Ennui. My mood dominates my thoughts. My thoughts flow from how my mood is at that time. The saying, "oh, she's so bipolar" where others casually joke about being bipolar in a certain way rings a little bit true for me. I can be really happy and excited and I will be up in mood, then days later or sometime later (don't know exactly how long it takes me), I am having a mood swing and I feel a low and life seems hard. A severe low is when I think that nothing I do matters, that my existence means very little. I have had this happen. It eventually led to severe depression.

Mental illness in the form of bipolar is real and those of us who experience the highs and lows know how true this is.

Having self-awareness can take some time to learn how to recognize the signs, the EWS, Early Warning Signs. It's ok if you are still figuring out how your moods are like. It has taken me a few years to recognize that I am slowing dropping in mood, until it's too late and I find myself desperately depressed. Mania is tougher for me. I feel it's my normal and I enjoy feeling great. So yes, that can be a tough one to figure out.

Keep going to therapy. It's so good for you. Keep reading here and posting.