Hello again, an update on my situation. *Possible TW*

I posted a month ago about my homicidal and suicidal thoughts because I slipped into a bipolar mania. bipolar/topic187671.html

Here is a quick update.

It's been two months since it all started. I am taking my Lithium medication on time and so far haven't missed one does... came close to missing one a couple of times but once I remembered I take it right away. I take Trazodone too, 100mg to aid with sleep. Some days I can get full sleep without it. So I kind of mix it up. As soon as I realize I won't be able to sleep, I eat an apple, wait a few minutes and take the Trazodone. It works. I have to eat food or else I will be very sick and throw up. That happen once and wasn't a pleasant experience.

However, I am still having strong thoughts and urges. Not as strong as before, but it can be literally mind numbing as in taking up most of my thoughts. I have to sit or stand there and keep telling myself these thoughts are really wrong to act upon while taking in deep breaths. I feel my mind is blurring what is moral and immoral, and I have to sort my mind time and time again in telling myself these awful thoughts are wrong.

I want to cook again as I love cooking but knives are a trigger now and it is so fricken frustrating! I walked through IKEA to look at furniture to brighten my area in hopes it may help me. And the demo room, my Manic side made me think and see of blood and a crime scene that 10 minutes I power walked outside to have a cigarette shaking nervous. People were eyeing me seeing and without a mirror I can see why as I look as I saw a ghost! This never happened. I love Ikea. I imagine rooms where my friends and I chill out. I look and see what I could use in my home. This is just madness and leaves me in near tears in pure frustration.

I realize these thoughts are fueled by anxiety. These thoughts become stronger and take up my thought processing traffic the more anxious I feel. These thoughts I feel I may act upon them when I do not want to and that makes me feel more anxious and the thoughts feeds off my anxiety and it becomes a vicious cycle. I am learning grounding techniques to ease off the anxiety. If I do not feel anxious at all even if these thoughts and urges come, it's as easy to shoo away like running into a massive flock of pigeons on the ground. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SGX8nth3y64 And may I add it's easy to go by what is right and wrong, the lines are blurred but still solid.

My Psychiatrist told me this also has to do with my boarderline personality disorder. And because my father abused me very hard and some cases nearly killed me and/or left me crippled on the floor, seh very-VERY Strongly believes I am suffering PTSD. She thinks that if my therapist can use behavioral dialectical therapy it will give me some asset skills to control these thoughts and urges even further.

I am working with my therapist and Psychiatrist.... and I know two months is a little early to tell, but I am fighting this dark version of myself and I am already so tired.

Thanks so much for the update, Silverlonewolf. I'm sorry to hear you're still struggling with the intrusive, violent thoughts and images- they must be extremely distressing. I'm glad they've eased somewhat since the height of your mania, though. Do you still feel as if you have any manic symptoms left remaining? It's just when you mentioned sometimes being unable to sleep without Trazodone, I thought you might, though forgive me if I'm wrong. I can certainly relate to having similar, unwanted thoughts when manic/psychotic, but they thankfully tend to go when I'm stable.

It's good news your pdoc has a plan to help you out with therapy to deal with your borderline personality disorder and PTSD from past abuse. Keep working closely with your team and I really hope the thoughts and urges will lessen soon. It must take great strength to keep resisting them and pushing them away. Hugs if wanted and please keep us updated as to how things progress.