Reactions from other people and how you view them

I found this in my blog from the message board here, It feels like I am really happy and in a good mood. But now after finding out what my own mom really thinks about me, I tell myself, the cleaning lady probably also judges me. I don't doubt it, I tell myself. So how do you truly view others and how do you respond to their judgement? Be it a bad judgement in which it is negative and hurtful to you, or good judgement where it is help in the form of support from family, or friends, doctor, or a therapist?

Aside from my mom, whose unkind words have me at a loss for words. My friends' reactions have been very supportive. But now I have this negative view of life in which I believe that everyone behind my back actually views me in a hurtful way. I am suspicious of any sort of kindness. What do they really think about me or say about me when I'm not there?

In this blog post, I can remember feeling so thrilled to finally have a diagnosis because Depression alone wasn't fixing the problem and it didn't make life any easier for me. I was sentenced for life. You have depression and it's never going to go away. I was trying to explain to the cleaning lady the diagnosis because I had known her for so long that I felt comfortable telling her. She knew firsthand some days when I was so depressed I would let her in the house and then go back to hiding in my room to sleep. I would answer the door without having showered in days and allow her into my life to help me. I only told her of my bipolar diagnosis because she was an important person in my life. Now that happy feeling of having a diagnosis has been turned into suspicion by the fact that I got one such reaction from a close family member. I can never see things the way I used to see them not too long ago. Reality has hit home.

I shared to my cleaning lady that I have bipolar. She only speaks Spanish but I've hired her for near 8 years and usually when I need her on extra days it's because I'm so depressed I need the house looking better. The humongous mess overwhelms me. I also have ADD. I printed a set of explanation from a Spanish website. I said ok, this is why I am constantly sick I have bipolar. She said bipolar is for the rich in Mexico. I laughed so the poor people don't get bipolar. lol. It's because whoever suffers from bipolar and can't get medical treatment don't ever get it. She read the symptoms and I was glad she knew that it wasn't that I was lazy become at times my house would be spotless. I would clean and disinfect, clean baseboards. Wipe everything down and organize. Then I would have an episode and it would fall apart and it would stay that way for a month. Laundry everywhere, dirty laundry on the floor. Etc. I am embarrassed to share more details. That is why I used to hire her every week because she kept my house looking clean for my friends and my kid's friends. My kid's weren't embarrassed by the messy house. She is one of those cleaning ladies that even washes your clothes and folds them and even puts them away, since I've had her for so long she already knew where everything was. So that is how I have coped with this issue for 8 years. Before that, I struggled a lot. I know it's expensive to have some "help" but it is money that is available and it is a "need" with me and my illness.