Not diagnosed yet but do you share any of these symptoms?

Hello everyone,

My name is Scotty I'm almost 27 years old. I am new to these forums. I have had a read over the forum posting rules and I know that you are not allowed to diagnose me. I'm guessing that's like unofficially too. I'm not asking for this anyway as I know it has to be fully assessed.

I would like to know though if any of you have shared similar experiences to me who are bipolar. If anything even if it's not a diagnoses it would just be nice to finally hear someone say.... "you're not alone!". It's been doing my head in my whole life.

Since I was a younger teen I have had suicidal thoughts. I still get them now too. There have been times that I have attempted to kill myself through several overdoses and through drowning. I have come close to throwing myself off high things and have been tempted at putting myself in front of a passing train.
It's been a long while since I did anything like these. The last was about 4 years ago when I OD'd when temporarily living in Paris.
I also used to self harm through cutting my arms with whatever sharp objects I can find.

I often have this burning desire to walk out my door and just walk forever, or run, or go into the middle of nowhere and live my life off the land with no friends, no electric, no distractions. Most of my holidays revolve around hiking many miles and my sport of choice is long distance running. I like the solitude of it... it's less trouble!
Talking of solitude I find I often remove friends out of my life. Just ever so easily. I click delete and block them online and on my phone. They are scattered across the country and so it's easy to shut people out of my life. Then I have times when I like people and want to be around them and I apologise to all those I shut out my life and then I repeat the same thing again. Eventually they stop speaking to me and the list of people I know decline. Funnily not long before they were telling me what an amazing person I was.

Sometimes I crave sex so badly. I masturbate excessively and look for others to share my energy with. Many times this has been others besides my husband. He knows about this and I have been so very strict with myself and haven't done anything in a long time. In the end I got a taste of my own medicine and that put an end to my desire for others! Othertimes though my desire for sexual contact or masturbation is extremely low and I can go months without any interest at all and actually become extremely prudish! Sometimes I cheated I thought I could push my husband away from me. I was purposefully trying to ruin my relationship so I could validate that I should be alone and wasn't deserving of anyone elses time of affection.

There was one period before I met my husband when I was purposefully sleeping with someone who was HIV positive, and I was trying to self infect myself. For some reasons I felt if I did this he would never let me go. Luckily I never contracted anything and have been tested many times since that episode.

I get weeks when in the middle of the day whether I am working or not my eyes are rolling in the back of my head and I have to nap. I get so fatigued I just sorta go! I get other weeks or months where every day I'll wake up REALLY early even though I'm not working or in school at that time. I will then struggle to get to sleep at night because my head is racing ten to the dozen all the time. I'm thinking about how amazing I'm going to be... all the things I am going to accomplish. I am thinking about my news greatest business venture or idea. I have many of these all the time. Within the last few years alone I have wanted to start an agriculture business or plants business. I thought about renting my body out to other men. I have done surveys and thought about mystery shopping. I had a home networking business which was a flop. I wanted to become a nurse in my up time when I like people. Then I want to be a geologist working in the outdoors away from people. I have wanted to be a hairdresser, work in travel and tourism, ICT, performing arts and many more! I have sold worn clothing items online.

I have been to college 5 times to study and I only ever got through a few months of "excellent" work and given up. Tutors have told me to not quit that I am doing so well. But a new insight into a better life grabs me away or my depressive periods pull me away and I decline.

I have lived in over 25 towns and cities in the UK and in a few other countries since I was 16 years old (11 years total nearly). Within these towns I have lived in over 50 places. Many times being homeless living from day to day sofa to sofa.

I used to me very big on drugs. Where I would go out several times a week in London clubbing. I would take 20+ ecstasy tablets, cocain, speed, ketamine and heavily drink alcohol. I actually stuck to doing this for some time as I was high all the time I felt like my mood was stabilised much more than before. Until things declined. Then I had 2 years T total. I would then slip back into it a few times but have held off now for 3 years.

I am a little OCD with things on my ups and EXTREMELY obsessive. My house will be spotless and not a thing out of place. Whatever I am working on at the time will get my individual attention often at the expense of many other things crucial in my life. I will stay up all night working on it and nothing else. I will read on that subject, live and breath it! I will do my husbands head in for not shutting up about it and trying to get him round to my way of thinking.

I used to smash everything in my room and house up. I would open cupboard throw all crockery everywhere. I would rip upholstery, destroy furniture and rip up books. Over the years I have fought VERY hard to minimise this and now I occasionally get close to doing it again but end up breaking one item or two instead.

Sometimes feel like I'm high as a kite on life and depressed as hell AT THE SAME TIME! how is this even possible?!

I often feel like I'm going places in this world and I'm such an amazing person with so much to offer. Other weeks I feel like I'm never going to achieve anything or get anywhere because something that I can't handle that is out of my control stops me from moving forward. Something inside of me that I can't work out!

In 3 years I have put us £7,000 ($12,000) in credit card debt because every time I have my AMAZING ideas I spend spend spend to try and make it a reality. I always did this kind of thing before 3 years ago but I didn't have available credit. Everytime we get increases now I max them out again. Any more and we won't afford our interest let alone any capital! I have had increases stopped and then called back weeks later and changed that. Or paid back some of the debt then taken it all back out again.

I say awful things to people sometimes and wonder why I said it. Then at other times new people who come into my life when I'm in a good place say how wonderful I am.

I have been fired from every job I have had. I find full time work so stressful it's untrue. The only time I did well in a job was when I ran my own franchise store over the Christmas period. It was hard long hours every day of the week for 3 months but it was mine and I didn't have to deal with any idiotic managers. All my other jobs I were fired from due to telling the management I didn't like how they treated or spoke to me!

Within the last few years our diet has changed from one extreme to the other. We have had a normal westernised diet... the healthy kind and unhealthy kind. We have done atkins then we went onto paleo. I then played around with eating only fruit and nothing else, then I went onto starting a long fast I planned to do for 3 weeks. I managed a day and then gorged myself in probably a few KG of potato chips, candy, chocolate and cakes! I am not overweight but I'm always one extreme or another. I have gone for the no frills cheap as hell 50p a day menu to the all organic nothing else expensive spectrum! I dread to think what havoc I'm putting my body and mind through.

There are so many other issues which I haven't mentioned here that I am struggling to cope with. I haven't had a proper job, I have no education and I have no experience or skills. I'm 27 nearly and I mean well. I try and try and try to make a better life for myself. When I'm on an up I can TAKE OVER THE WORLD! Sadly I come back down before I have the chance to make any lasting changes.

Godbless my husband. He has put up with me through thick and thin and knows I have mental issues that need dealing with. When I was a child overdosing I had to see a psychiatrist and she said I was just attention seeking! I have never seen anyone since! Now I'm seeing someone to work through these things. I just hope they find out how to help me ASAP. I am starting college next month to do 2 years of courses which will help prepare me to study at university.

Luckily they are only 3 days a week so I'm really hoping with my husbands strict push on my bad weeks that I'll get through this!

I'm sorry for such a long message. I have been feeling alone and confused for many years. It's only recently that I have thought I may be bipolar. I realised that the few times I had gone for help I was in a bad rut. Then funnily when my appointments came around I never bothered going because I felt perfectly fine again! Until the next few weeks or months ahead.

Thank you so much for listening you don't know what it means to me! I know you all have your own problems so thank you!

Hi there! This is the experience I have, barring our separate circumstances. You definitely need a professional opinion. At least that way you have someone official who will vouch for your problems and how bad they are. Remember that you don't have to do what they say.

It's a huge relief to finally know for sure what was wrong with me the whole time, and you'll probably have the same experience.

I have found this place tremendous in removing any doubt I had (and I was filled with doubt). It's very friendly and supportive and we've all been there. You're among friends.

sixprime wrote:Hi there! This is the experience I have, barring our separate circumstances. You definitely need a professional opinion. At least that way you have someone official who will vouch for your problems and how bad they are. Remember that you don't have to do what they say.

It's a huge relief to finally know for sure what was wrong with me the whole time, and you'll probably have the same experience.

I have found this place tremendous in removing any doubt I had (and I was filled with doubt). It's very friendly and supportive and we've all been there. You're among friends.

Thank you so much for your reply. I completely understand that I need to get a pro to diagnose it. From what I have read IF I do have bipolar then I will need mood stabilisers and therapy and that therapy can be troublesome getting results from alone with the right meds.

In the UK a psychiatrist has to diagnose and so my first appointment is on 27th August.

The traits have only just been occurring to me. It was my husband who suggested that it may be bipolar. He assessed me with a form online. He has a degree in psychology. He can't diagnose though and said I need to see someone about it.

I'm glad I found this website. I can see it being a great place for support. I have glanced over some of the other posts. I guess even if it's not bipolar there are many other areas to this site where I can talk with others who have been through/are going through what I have/am.

Namaste