Can ANYONE relate?

I have been told I am bipolar by many doctors. I have been hospitalized A LOT for suicidal thinking and behavior!!!! But, I am well educated, married successfully, have 4 great kids, and I function so well that no one would know I am bipolar if I did not tell them (which I don't). My depressions can be so low and suicidal but never have kept me from getting out of bed, showering etc. I always function normally even when depressed as hell. "Manias" are not sleeping and getting a lot done, and can be quite creative but not particularly exuberant or fun.
I am writing this because I feel no one can relate to this...whatever it is I am. Are there other "normal" bipolar people out there? I don't mean this as a slam to anyone. I am really wondering if it is just that I have a different philosophy on life. Not bipolar at all.

Bipolar is just a word.
The key is, are the doctors able to treat your symptoms successfully?
The labels don't really matter.

Take care,

I can't relate, but I do know that I trust a doctor's diagnosis. My own personal experience was that I would get depression and I could get out of bed, but the depression was not as severe as it got years later. I was so depressed I became psychotic and suicidal. I was not able to function. But for many years, while I went up and down with depression I did function fine. There only needs to be one full blown mania in your life to diagnose you. I don't know the exact criteria but that was what I lacked in being diagnosed. I had experienced mania but I couldn't prove it, so the doctor still didn't diagnose until I was suicidal for over a month and only lithium could stabilize my mood because the antidepressants did not work. So yes, I can honestly say that it is possible to feel and act normal. It doesn't mean you're not bipolar. But it also doesn't mean you are either. Only a psychiatrist can say.

Thanks, those are good words for thought from both of you. Are my symptoms being treated effectively? I guess that they are for the most part. I am in therapy as well as meds so that helps to balance too. I guess I just wonder if other people consider themselves as "normal" and only mentally ill when they have symptoms...extreme symptoms.

Jill, I can relate to a lot of what you have said. Although I would not consider my life to be functional by any stretch of the imagination (I haven't been able to work for a few years, barely leave the house, hospitalised, etc), I find that even when I am in the darkest suicidal depression I continue to get out of bed, bathe, etc.

I was thinking about it recently and put it down to that I have a very large sense of responsibility. Always have, it is an integral part of my personality. The guilt of not doing things like cleaning up or bathing outweighs my depressive drive to stay in bed hiding. As you mentioned, having responsibility to other people (family) plays a big part in this for me. Though even when I was alone I did these things... maybe it is about trying to control what you can in a situation that feels out of control.

I have found that it means most people don't understand how bad I feel or completely underestimate how bad I feel or think that I must be exaggerating. This has been quite dangerous at times as I have been severely suicidal but still appearing too functional for hospitalisation. This has applied to my manic episodes also (even when I had psychosis I turned up to work!).

before i was diagnosed I was functioning highly with the BP. I had a great job with a lot of responsiblity and lots of friends. however then things fell apart. I really hope that the same does not happen to you and hopefully it will not - but what I am getting at is I think it is possible to function at a high level despipte having BP for some people. it sounds like you are one of those ppl and I hope this continues to be the case for you.

Hugs

Cracked

Hi Jill! I can relate a lot to much of what you describe. I've suffered from depression ever since I was 10 and nobody ever noticed anything. Even now, I can be in a horrible state of mind and still manage to keep it hidden.

Having said that, sometimes I can't function and stay home. I can still hide it, but I can't get out of bed, shower or do anything remotely productive. I can hide it because I live alone and it's fairly easy to stay home a few days without anyone noticing - I'll tell different groups of people that I'm doing something with some other group.

That's why whenever I disclose my BD to friends they'll be shocked. Except for a couple of friends who used to be my roommates, they weren't surprised.

I think what does it for me is that I don't want to let anyone down, I don't want them to worry, so I manage to keep it to myself. Maybe that's how you do it? You mention 4 kids, so I'm guessing you do it for them. I do it for my parents, my friends. I know how much they love me and usually that's enough to stop me from doing something stupid. It doesn't change how I feel, though.

I hope this can make you feel a little less lonely. These things usually fall within a spectrum, so some people are a bit more functional than others. But it can be lonely being high-functioning, people assume you're doing fine when you're not. I hope you have someone you feel comfortable with to share some of this burden.

jill15 wrote:I have been told I am bipolar by many doctors. I have been hospitalized A LOT for suicidal thinking and behavior!!!! But, I am well educated, married successfully, have 4 great kids, and I function so well that no one would know I am bipolar if I did not tell them (which I don't). My depressions can be so low and suicidal but never have kept me from getting out of bed, showering etc. I always function normally even when depressed as hell. "Manias" are not sleeping and getting a lot done, and can be quite creative but not particularly exuberant or fun.
I am writing this because I feel no one can relate to this...whatever it is I am. Are there other "normal" bipolar people out there? I don't mean this as a slam to anyone. I am really wondering if it is just that I have a different philosophy on life. Not bipolar at all.

From what I have discussed with my doc, BP does have generalities among people and similarities. But there are some people specific functions and experiences as with anything in life I suppose. I would classify myself now as high functioning BP.I used to not be this way and I had scary crazy episodes all throughout my previous years. Thanks to meds I am able to function with ups and downs, some intense, but no where near what I used to be.

Hey there Jill. In hindsight, I've been having depressive episodes since the age of 10 or 11. Starting high school and through college I would have depression so bad I couldn't get to sleep, couldn't stay asleep, constantly thought about suicide, had little energy, etc. I still did what I had to do for school, though. My parents had me doing flash cards since my eyes opened and have been telling me that I'm going to do well in school and get into a good college since I started speaking so I've always been very driven in school. Getting through each day was a struggle, not including all my work, but I always managed to do it. Depression was always a scary word and I never wanted to use it because I was able to get through my days. For the same reason I didn't help because I was able to function, but it was much much harder than it had to be. Depression affects people differently, and functioning doesn't make it not depression and doesn't mean it's any less severe either.