I'm famous and everyone knows it.

Hello friends,
I am bipolar I disorder and my entire life, I have felt like there have been eyes on me everywhere I go. I feel there are an invisible audience everywhere I go and more often than not I think in third person. My awareness of what is truly real and what is fantasy is so hard to do. I feel like I come down from a big high and I'm no longer the award winning performer I created in my head. I'm very flamboyant, vocal, bubbly and happy.....but it's all due to this perception that I'm queen of the universe and I get caught up in day dreams. What is this? Delusions? Granduer? I also think also that I'm some vessel of God and I have an important message and service to do for the world.
These types of thoughts have sometimes gotten me in trouble, as if I were invincible. Another way I would describe this when I'm anxious is that during all this, I feel like everyone around me is an actor in my play and they all have the scripts but me. On bad days, I can't make decisions because I "lost" my script to what I'm supposed to do in that day and sometimes it prevents me from leaving the house or communicating properly with people.
I hope this may make sense to someone. I looked it up and the closest I came up with is depersonalization, but it's dangerous to self-diagnosed so I was wondering if there are any others who are the "gods and goddesses" of their world, and how can you get down from the high horse? Sometimes, I feel like I don't want to get rid of my fantasy perception because that is when I'm happiest.
Any feedback? Thanks!

Love,
Hannah

Hi Hannah,

I can totally relate to how you are feeling.

A few years ago I owned the town I live in. I knew, because I spoke to gods, and they told me I did. I walked around in army clothing and heavy boots, and my boots rang upon the pavement, and it was good, and I looked around at all that I owned (i.e. everything) and I felt so lucky. I started a business, already with a few first customers, knowing that it will be a success and money will rain upon me. I made music, I wrote, I painted. Everything I touched turned to gold, at least in my head. Invincibility thoughts got me into a fight with a kickboxer, gained me a few scars from falling off a scooter, got me into -- luckily -- harmless accidents involving me, an old man and a red light that I thought didn't matter...

Well. That hasn't really gone so well. My business crashed and burned. So did my mood, throwing me into a terrible mixed episode. Scars healed; old man accepted my apology. Life changed. Yes, sometimes I feel it changed for worse; I miss being invincible and almighty. But I honestly don't want to deal with the outcome of this stuff ever again.

Yes! I actually almost lost my job because of my behavior. My bosses had pulled me into the office and I straight up told them they couldn't punish the Messiah and I walked out of the office. They gave me two months off instead to get my head together. I still have my job, thank goodness.
The mixed episodes for me is that the grandiosity turns on and off like a light switch and I can't control when it happens. I feel like a super unsung hero sent from God and when I come down from it, I'm horrified at some of the things that I said or did and their results or the men I flirted with and I have to face the consequences of being a diva god on stage in a stone cold soberness but it seemed like it was a blurb of one day instead of a three week span.
I'm just scared that this behavior will ruin my future and goals I have planned, but I truly can't tell what is real and what is my fantasy and it drives me to such anxiety trying to figure it out I call to God for signs of which way to go, and I also chastise myself for asking for such a ridiculous thing as signs from God. I'm constantly a contradiction in my head which fuels the paranoia and anxiety I have. It's soooooo exhausting.
But thank you very much for your input. It's comforting to know I'm not the only invinsible person out there!

Love,
Hannah

I have this kind of thing, but not religious. I was raised without religion, and I never even heard of the concept until I went to school. I still don't understand it.

I am part Egyptian, and so I end up thinking that I'm the reincarnation of Akhenaten or Nefertiti or some such, come to fulfill The Plan.

The mixed episodes are terrifying. That's when I find myself thinking about spending $5000 on a .50 caliber rifle to fend Them off when They Come To Get Me. Scary stuff like that.

I get episodes of grandiosity too which vary in how they manifest themselves including feeling I was sent fom God and thinking I was indispensible to save ppl in rural africa and going out there to try to realise that. Plus, particularly dangerously I would have episodes of grandiosity at times when I was treating patients. I hope I never caused harm to anyone but it is a worrying thought. I understand it coming and going and it can be very difficult to live with esp when you take a look back at what you have done when you were feeling that way. I just wanted you to know that i understand too

Hugs

Cracked

My therapist suggested that I have ironicgrandiosity. He suggested the word Solipsistic to me which means that I believe that I have created my own reality and everything in it. I don't really feel this way to a major extent all the time but do when I am not feeling well. I get to a point where I question the true existence of anything outside of myself. It is ironic in that I don't think I am great but am lousy as lousy can be and it supports my suicidal impulses. Ha, I just finsished posting about being normal. This is so weird to tell other people this and look at it on the screen.

jill15 wrote:My therapist suggested that I have ironicgrandiosity. He suggested the word Solipsistic to me which means that I believe that I have created my own reality and everything in it. I don't really feel this way to a major extent all the time but do when I am not feeling well. I get to a point where I question the true existence of anything outside of myself. It is ironic in that I don't think I am great but am lousy as lousy can be and it supports my suicidal impulses. Ha, I just finsished posting about being normal. This is so weird to tell other people this and look at it on the screen.

That doesn't seem weird to me at all. I still don't fully believe in objective reality, and when I'm down, the idea that the freezing, bloody, cruel, violent, gravel grey world is anything more than a dim nightmare is too horrible to contemplate. I can't bear the thought that all the suffering I see around me could actually be happening. Everything becomes distant and it feels like I'm watching the world on television, and I'm floating alone in black empty space.

Anyway, yeah. Totally normal as far as I'm concerned