Never Satisfied

So today I met with a close personal friend. My life had been upside down lately. Anyway, he said something very interesting to me. He said "Liquid, you have a hole in you that you never seem to fill". At the time, I shrugged it off said said yeah right. But the more I think about it, the more he is right. I've tried many things. Drugs, women, working out, over working, motorcycles, skydiving, tattoos. I've tried everything with the thought that "if I do this, I will be happy". And for a moment I am. And then it passes and I feel as empty as before. Yes, I get dedicated in my pursuit to fill the hole, but it never is full.

Thinking further, the only time I feel complete and happy is during times of mania... And that is not true happiness. That too is just a passing feeling.

So I ask you all, have you ever felt like this? Never satisfied, always wanting more? And if so, how did you fix it, if it can be fixed at all?

No im not ever satisfied with anything. I can be content about some stuff, but im always triyng to be better at what i do and who i am. Its like constant work. All the things that used to make me feel good now are things that no longer make me feel good. I'm always trying to find thing that me happy but when i do it seems that i was just a delusion, i wasnt happy i was being complacent.
No im not satisified, probably never will be.

Yup, precisely the same here. Well, my list is somewhat different.

At NA they say we used drugs and alcohol to fill "God-shaped hole". I am off alcohol and drugs -- except a brief relapse during recent mania. But the feeling remains. Today I spent half of the day in quiet fury about my life not being what I want it to be, and partly due to bipolar. I don't want to be a disabled fat bloke with shaky hands who's too exhausted to go grocery shopping. I want to be the barely sleeping, extremely creative god of sex (and gym) taking a side job as a bartender because writing, designing, making music, making le sexe, gym 5x a week, starting own business just isn't enough. But I am all too aware of the fact that I could as well say "I want to be high on cocaine all the time, never pay for it and never have a comedown, oh and also remain in perfect health and have a magical drug-resistant nose".

I want the one I can't have and it's driving me mad.

Liquid_Entropy wrote:So today I met with a close personal friend. My life had been upside down lately. Anyway, he said something very interesting to me. He said "Liquid, you have a hole in you that you never seem to fill". At the time, I shrugged it off said said yeah right. But the more I think about it, the more he is right. I've tried many things. Drugs, women, working out, over working, motorcycles, skydiving, tattoos. I've tried everything with the thought that "if I do this, I will be happy". And for a moment I am. And then it passes and I feel as empty as before. Yes, I get dedicated in my pursuit to fill the hole, but it never is full.

Thinking further, the only time I feel complete and happy is during times of mania... And that is not true happiness. That too is just a passing feeling.

So I ask you all, have you ever felt like this? Never satisfied, always wanting more? And if so, how did you fix it, if it can be fixed at all?

This is so my life. I always want, want, want, do, do, do, get, get, get and still nothing ever completes any part of me. I tried hobbies but nothing ever stuck as nothing ever felt like it was satisfying to the point of continuing. If I find things I want or want to do, get there and all, then it goes away as fast as it started. This has gotten me into a lot of trouble over the years. Manic times really get me in trouble so I have to watch myself constantly.

The only person that has made me feel happy and content is my husband. And even that has been a challenging relationship to even get to this point. (that is a whole lot of stories not fit for this thread lol).

I don't know how to fix it. I am seeking therapy on a number of issues I have and this is included. If I learn anything that truly helps, I will so pass it on.

Good luck to you. Good luck to us all.

I have a tendence to be discontent. I pray about it a lot. And God reminds me that I have a wonderful, supportive family. He also reminds me that I have a job and many people don't. I try to focus on how far I have come since my last huge mania episode. And I'm thankful that I have meds that help keep me together mentally. But sometimes I still get a case of the "discontents". But when I do, I feel sorry for myself and I hate that. So I try not to focus on it. Easier said than done, though, I must admit.

It's awesome to know that people have the same issue. While it drives me to exceed at my job, it costs me a lot too. And I guess I start to get angry that I try all these things to feel better and that I know are fun. But at the end of the day, it doesn't complete me. It's always just a distraction from the emptiness.

Funny thing though is that I just got some fresh ink and go jumping tomorrow. But I'm starting to realize that it will not fill the hole.

Liquid_Entropy wrote:Funny thing though is that I just got some fresh ink and go jumping tomorrow.

I'm reading this and I get jealous.

Liquid_Entropy wrote:Funny thing though is that I just got some fresh ink and go jumping tomorrow. But I'm starting to realize that it will not fill the hole.

By the way (just sharing), I have 3 tats now and want a couple more. All mean something to me emotionally. That is one of the very very few things I do not regret, never will and I feel do me justice. I so love tats.

Oliveira wrote:

Liquid_Entropy wrote:Funny thing though is that I just got some fresh ink and go jumping tomorrow.

I'm reading this and I get jealous.

Yeah I just blew all my savings on jump school and more ink. I'm sure you are the same way I am. If you posted what you were doing, I would get jealous and say "I want to do that. That sounds like fun and would make me happy". The grass is always greener on the other side, and when you get there it's not that green. But the next pasture is. And so on

-- Wed Jul 30, 2014 4:39 pm --

poisonbutterfly wrote:

Liquid_Entropy wrote:Funny thing though is that I just got some fresh ink and go jumping tomorrow. But I'm starting to realize that it will not fill the hole.

By the way (just sharing), I have 3 tats now and want a couple more. All mean something to me emotionally. That is one of the very very few things I do not regret, never will and I feel do me justice. I so love tats.

Yeah I just got three done. Mine as well have meaning behind them. And a story. I love them. And of course, I want more

I can definitely relate to what people are saying in this thread about never being satisfied, as I'm exactly the same! Anyone that gets really close to me usually ends up asking the same question (and only ever half jokingly): 'You're never happy, are you?!'

It just seems to me that I have a gnawing sense of dissatisfaction over myself and the state of my life, no matter how it looks from the outside. It's as if I'm a permanent work in progress and it can get exhausting always chasing the next potential thing which might fill that void, even though I admit my striving has also led to achievement.

Up to this point, I've mainly tried to distract from this feeling through excessive study/work, foreign travel and living abroad. However, in order to manage my bipolar and reduce my stress levels, I've had to give up most of the former (only temporarily, I hope!)... Leading to even more discontentment, shifted into different areas than before.

It's a mind set I'd really like to escape, but one that seems to have been with me since childhood and is fairly deeply rooted. I'm currently doing CBT, and trying to deal with the low self esteem and perfectionism that may be at the core of all this.

I hope all of you struggling with this find a way out of it too x