Help me get this out... *TW*

I hate you. I hate you for what you did to me. I hate you for what you're doing to me. I have stood by you, but I am hurt so badly by what you've done. You think you know what I think and feel but you make me wish I was dead. I want you to know but I can't tell you because I love you, but you ruined my life and I'll never be the same my life as I knew it is over. How can you do this to me what did I do to you that makes you able to destroy me. I am so angry and hurt I find each breath I take painful. I can't do this much longer...

You sound like you are in a lot of distress. Is there someone that you can reach out to in your life to let them know how you are feeling?

Sending you hugs and as much strength as I can muster. Please take care.

Thanks for your reply. I have no one to tell, literally no one. I hate the situation I am in and I hate who I am. My depression is turning, my sadness is being replaced by anger and hate. I have no where to go and no one who knows, cares, or understands. It is eating me alive from the inside and what little bit of humanity I had left is rotting.

I would think about going to a hospital if I were you.... IDK if your on medication, you can get on medication and maybe figure some things out in your life.

I am on medication, and it does help with the bipolar and the depression some. My depression currently is mostly situational. Going to the hospital is not a viable option as it would strain my responsibilities too much. I don't want help. I want understanding. I want out. I want people to know that I am so miserable because I am dealing with a pain I do not understand, nor can I erase. The tears are subsiding but the emotion is still there. I want everyone to leave me the ###$ alone. I want to break things I want to break myself. I want to yell, I want to throw things. I want the person who caused this pain to know how much hurt I feel every cursed day that I will myself through.

I'm so sorry to hear about your situation. Must be a hell to go through.

Some of the things you wrote relate to me when I was younger and lived with my parents. I love them to death (and loved them then), but they didn't understand my mental illness and backstabbed me all the time... If I dared to love them I would find them yelling and shouting at me, blaming me the next day. And it literally broke me apart. I was this tiny little creature not feeling well at school due bullying (but those people I did not love) and not feeling well at home because there was no understanding. Like if I was near killing myself and my parents found out, they would just yell at me when I most needed love and support from them. And I was just trying to repeat my mantra: I love you, I love you, I love you. And I couldn't stop loving them, no matter what.

I do not know what is you exact situation, but I know it can be terrible to live in a situation where a person you love is hurting you at the same time. And for me, I couldn't escape that, at least not until I was old enough. So I was there for years and years... The same hell... Good times too, luckily, but the ongoing hell behind it all. I was lucky there was finally a way out and nowadays I have a loving husband who does understand me. Nowadays I can safely love my family.

I really really really hope everything is going to be fine with you. I hope you can hold on to the bits and pieces and keep yourself together. I really hope there is an end to the pain - or at least to the situation and then time to heal from it. Anger and hate are terrible things to live with...

And I too was in a situation where I had no where to go. I wasn't safe at home, nor at school... Pain everywhere... For different reasons, but still pain. I was lucky enough to find this one person who was my strength, who made everything durable. I think all you need is one person. For me the person wasn't really able to change things, but she was able to listen, she was able to give me that strength. Strength to see a future - or the possibility that there could be a future for me. And she was someone to talk to. And she cared, even though there was no reason she should care.

I hope there is this one person for you too somewhere. Or several. I hope there would be a huge bunch of people. But sometimes one is enough. I would not be alive without my one person. I hope there is someone who can take a bit of the pain and anger, who can take a bit of the weight of your shoulders. And no matter how bad the situation, there might be a future. Just think there might be a future. Possibility that there could be a future worth living through whatever you are living through. You might be so much happier one day and that time of your life would be worth it. It happened to me.