Recently diagnosed Bipolar, my story.

I have only been diagnosed since this late April or early May 2014. We are now at July 24. If I had known examples of what it was to experience Mania, I would have recognized I’d had actually gone through that too. I didn't have it happen often so I thought It was fine. It always went away. Mostly I had a lot of depression throughout my life. The doctor has been unable to diagnose me as bipolar because there was no mania present for over 8 years. I can now look back and see some hypomania but that is it. The antidepressants didn’t work one bit. I’ve had several at a time, along with another drug to make them work better. It is called abilify. Nothing worked. As my depression always came back. I felt better for a short while but it never made me feel like my old self. I blamed it on the antidepressants and it’s side effects.

I’ve been hospitalized at least 4 or 5 times for being suicidal. All during this 8 year span. The last time I was hospitalized, it was an attempt on my life. I took a lot of pills and a lot of insulin and what made me change my mind is that my kids stood in front of me sobbing and telling me if wasn’t there something the medicine could do to help me. I had lied to them and told them my diabetes was out of control and I might not wake up in the morning. My husband was out of town working. I had already tried a vain attempt to send two texts, one to a friend and one to my husband. Neither of them called me back. I was very quiet about my suffering. But I was at the end of my rope and saw ending my life as the only solution to my pain. That was it, I did not see any type of solution. I’d been suicidal for some time and I couldn’t make the thoughts go away. I called 911 and was treated then I was admitted and sent to the psychiatric hospital there for 4 days. I got to go home only to have those feelings return. My depression was still the same. I went two weeks later and told the psychiatrist I needed to be admitted again because I was still suicidal and wanted to be kept safe and hopefully stabilized, for the sake of my family. The doctor stopped my antidepressant and put me on lithium. Within 3 days, at least I could feel a mood change. My mood had improved dramatically. I thought it was only temporary so I waited before I said it was working. 3 weeks later I still felt fine. Now we are on an even longer time span and I still feel great. I received my diagnosis of bipolar. And I could get more help in the way of different options for getting mood stabilizers that could help me. I was already taking two mood stabilizers but obviously that wasn’t enough.

As far as noticing mood swings during my life. It was there, I just didn’t know what it was or that it was important. I started having slight mood changes at 12 years. At 16 I was suicidal. Then at 18 I had two full blown manic episodes and crashing to a deep depression. My third full blown manic episode didn’t happen until after I had my third child. It came first, in the form of Postpartum Psychosis. Which I didn't tell the doctor. It started when I was about to deliver, the mood swings, then after the delivery I was hallucinating and feeling afraid to sleep. I kept dreaming scary dreams of death. I didn't say anything I waited till it went away. I did not know it was postpartum psychosis. I was also too ashamed to confide in the doctor I was experiencing these awful things. Then eventually it went to being manic and finally it ended in a major depression that would not get well unless I received medical treatment. There was psychosis mixed with the deep depression and a mixed state at times. I was falling apart. All this while I had an 8 month old baby and two other older children. Each three years apart. I wanted to be removed from my family and taken somewhere where I would never come back. But within days of curing the psychosis and sleeping more and just feeling more in touch with reality, I wanted so much to see my babies. Especially my 8 month old. I came home to my niece helping me out with the kids. She was going to be there for a while. After she left I hired a babysitter to help me with my baby. I still had to manage to take the oldest one to school. My husband was home more often every day and on weekends. My recovery was slow. There had to adjustments to the medication and changes too. Mostly in the beginning of my return home I slept. The medication made me so sleepy and that was all I wanted. I would sometimes force myself to wake up so I could carry my baby because I thought she was in the baby swing too long. I felt she needed more attention. But things improved overall.

Now the story gets shorter because skip forward and here we are today. I have not wanted to write my story as I was not diagnosed bipolar. I have always only demonstrated depression at different levels.

Thank you for sharing your story.
The part where you tried to overdose and your children made you come to your senses was particularly touching. I'm glad you were able to call 911.

Living with a mental illness is really hard, (as if living a normal life isn't hard enough already.)
Having children must make it even more difficult because you can't just crawl into bed and pull the covers over your head like I do. I'm a dad, and my two sons are grown up.

I hope you feel accepted and supported by being on the forum. Your story will touch many hearts and we don't know how many times it will motivate a person to call 911 for themselves.

Give your children a hug each day and tell them you love them. They need you now, and they grow up all too fast.

Take care,