Is this mania?

Hi, guys.

This isn't exactly looking for a diagnosis.

I have C-PTSD, GAD and sometimes depression. However, my moods, most of the time, are absolutely terrible. Anger and anxiety are mostly what I feel. Also, I have negative thoughts. Not of the "Oh, I can't make it" kind. Just terribly obessive, incessant, nonstop critical and aggressive thought. I can keep going, going, going and going about a specific situation or subject for a long time, analysing it and gnawing at it.

These negative thoughts are in my mind most of the time. That is the reason I started taking lithium. Doctor prescribed it to me to reduce the ammount of thoughts in my mind. They're not racing thoughts, mind you. Although at moments of peaking anxiety, they are.

I noticed I felt much better overall with lithium (taking 900mg). More grounded, centered, internally and externally. Less thoughts in my mind and I don't feel like my brain is living through hell anymore. lithium definetely makes me feel "good", better than any other medication, although I havent tried mood stabilizers.
But lithium makes me globally better on every aspect of dysfunction of mental/emotional that plagues me, even if not by a lot. Cognition, executive function, decision making, emotions. All just stays where it should.

2 days without lithium is enough to send me to that angry, angry, dark place with a lot of thoughts of a critical (towards me and everything else) and negative nature.

Is this some sort of mania? I never felt euphoric mania. I never lost contact with reality.
Sometimes I would get a little too happy and agitated, and very creative. I thought this was my normla self, when I wasn't feeling depressed or stressed due to the events that are now part of the C-PTSD. Nowadays, i rarely feel like this, with meds or not. But now I do have depression and GAD constantly, not just episodic reacting to circunstances.

I do have the critical and negative thought "directed towards me" that seems like a common theme with bipolar. I have had quite an erratic life, but that was due to circunstances and stupidity of youth, not bipolar

I'm guessing this could be labeled "dysphoric hypomania", but I'm not sure.

My doctor believes it is just chronic stress, lack of positive experiences, abuse, and pure O OCD and a lot of anxiety.

Indeed, I do feel better when I resolve part of the trauma and eliminate stresses. But still, I have that feeling things aren't quite right, and are "too up" and "too low" at the same time, in me, mixed with a lot of weird things regarding executive function, appetite, sleep patterns, etc..

Sorry if I'm breaking rules here. Just trying to get input on what is to feel hypomania, I guess.

You describe a chaotic and complicated mix of emotions.
I think the best person to talk to about them is your doctor. They have seen you over a period of time so can see change, if any, in your outlook on life and other symptoms.

At one time I wished for a straight forward diagnosis and subsequent treatment. But I have come to accept the emotional confusion that accompanies bipolar illness.

You will gain your own insight into your particular diagnosis.

Take care,