I already posted this in the BPD forum:
I can't really describe them properly, but I'll try: Mixed episode. Mostly depressed, agitated, irritable, anxious, angry, sad and frustrated. Anhedonic and desperately trying to find enjoyment in things (which I achieve sometimes, but only for a very short period of time). Impulsive acts as a consequence.
All just a way to escape the emptiness and a way to distract myself from painful thoughts and feelings.
Mixed episode, as in hypomania + depression. But not always. Either depressed or mixed. When mixed I tap through 3 ambitions: Rape, mass-murder and suicide (not that I wanna commit these acts (except the latter). I just enjoy thinking or fantasizing about them). I plan, fantasize and through that I achieve euphoria and it's a good distraction. After a few days (less or more) I tap out of them again (lose complete interest, don't enjoy the thought of it anymore etc.) and either fall into this hole of emptiness and depression OR I tap into a different ambition.
Just in general it's a rollercoaster ride throughout the day. A very painful and stressful one. Nothing is really consistent.
I guess this is how I would describe my mood right now. Can anybody here relate to this confusing pattern of moodswings? I might wanna add that I am in a stressful breakup right now with my S.O. which does have an influence on all this.