Peculiar moodswings *TW*

I already posted this in the BPD forum:

I can't really describe them properly, but I'll try: Mixed episode. Mostly depressed, agitated, irritable, anxious, angry, sad and frustrated. Anhedonic and desperately trying to find enjoyment in things (which I achieve sometimes, but only for a very short period of time). Impulsive acts as a consequence.
All just a way to escape the emptiness and a way to distract myself from painful thoughts and feelings.

Mixed episode, as in hypomania + depression. But not always. Either depressed or mixed. When mixed I tap through 3 ambitions: Rape, mass-murder and suicide (not that I wanna commit these acts (except the latter). I just enjoy thinking or fantasizing about them). I plan, fantasize and through that I achieve euphoria and it's a good distraction. After a few days (less or more) I tap out of them again (lose complete interest, don't enjoy the thought of it anymore etc.) and either fall into this hole of emptiness and depression OR I tap into a different ambition.
Just in general it's a rollercoaster ride throughout the day. A very painful and stressful one. Nothing is really consistent.

I guess this is how I would describe my mood right now. Can anybody here relate to this confusing pattern of moodswings? I might wanna add that I am in a stressful breakup right now with my S.O. which does have an influence on all this.

I can identify with your fantisizing about suicide,
But thinking about rape and mass murder is totally outside my world.

You don't say if you are seeing a doctor or psychiatrist for your moodswings and disturbing thoughts.
You also don't mention medications (which you would probably have if you were under the care of a doctor) See a doctor, trust them and tell them your fantasies. They will help you find a moral center that respects life.

To me, your fantasies are really alarming and I don't think they will go away without treatment. In fact, they might become overwhelming and you will do them. That is a totally frightening possibility.

I have to say it again. Get professional medical help! You will be glad you did.

skilsaw wrote:I have to say it again. Get professional medical help! You will be glad you did.

I am seeing a psychologist now. I consulted him a few weeks ago, so we've only had 2 sessions so far.

I was seeing a psychiatrist a few months ago hoping that he could help me out with medication or therapy. Instead, he wanted me hospitalized after 3 sessions saying that therapy wouldn't be enough. That intensive care would be needed...I rejected that idea, because I was too scared..

I should probably be seeing a psychiatrist aswell, shouldn't I? A psychologist might not be enough.

I think hospitalisation might not be a bad idea -- it's much better to end there voluntarily than act on your fantasies and either hurt someone or attempt to and end up in the hospital forced by police. :/

It's a lot you've got going on there. I can see why your psychiatrist would like to see you in a hospital -- you are safe there. In your current state last thing he wants is to put you on medication, then go "whoops, guess this wasn't a good choice!" after something happens.

If I may suggest please reconsider his suggestion.

Big hugs.

xfa wrote:I was seeing a psychiatrist a few months ago hoping that he could help me out with medication or therapy. Instead, he wanted me hospitalized after 3 sessions saying that therapy wouldn't be enough. That intensive care would be needed...I rejected that idea, because I was too scared..

What is it that is scaring you about admission?

Cracked

CrackedGirl wrote:What is it that is scaring you about admission?

The main reason why he wanted me hospitalized is because of my severe AvPD. It's gotten me to a point where I am completely isolated, don't go out, don't talk to anybody and my mother is doing everything for me. I just have a problem with people.
And now imagining being in this environment out of my comfort-zone around people, having to interact and communicate with them etc...It's a very uncomfortable thought..

CrackedGirl wrote:If I may suggest please reconsider his suggestion.

I will do that.

Thanks for the replies so far. It's been helpful.

Hey

xfa wrote:The main reason why he wanted me hospitalized is because of my severe AvPD. It's gotten me to a point where I am completely isolated, don't go out, don't talk to anybody and my mother is doing everything for me. I just have a problem with people.
And now imagining being in this environment out of my comfort-zone around people, having to interact and communicate with them etc...It's a very uncomfortable thought..

I can see that being admitted might feel really daunting given all that. WHat I would say tho is it might help so if you can think about how to challenge the thoughts you are having it might be good to go in for a bit just to get things a bit more sorted.

Hugs

Cracked