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Peculiar moodswings *TW*

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Peculiar moodswings *TW*

Postby xfa » Thu Jul 24, 2014 1:26 am

I already posted this in the BPD forum:

I can't really describe them properly, but I'll try: Mixed episode. Mostly depressed, agitated, irritable, anxious, angry, sad and frustrated. Anhedonic and desperately trying to find enjoyment in things (which I achieve sometimes, but only for a very short period of time). Impulsive acts as a consequence.
All just a way to escape the emptiness and a way to distract myself from painful thoughts and feelings.

Mixed episode, as in hypomania + depression. But not always. Either depressed or mixed. When mixed I tap through 3 ambitions: Rape, mass-murder and suicide (not that I wanna commit these acts (except the latter). I just enjoy thinking or fantasizing about them). I plan, fantasize and through that I achieve euphoria and it's a good distraction. After a few days (less or more) I tap out of them again (lose complete interest, don't enjoy the thought of it anymore etc.) and either fall into this hole of emptiness and depression OR I tap into a different ambition.
Just in general it's a rollercoaster ride throughout the day. A very painful and stressful one. Nothing is really consistent.

I guess this is how I would describe my mood right now. Can anybody here relate to this confusing pattern of moodswings? I might wanna add that I am in a stressful breakup right now with my S.O. which does have an influence on all this.
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Re: Peculiar moodswings *TW*

Postby skilsaw » Thu Jul 24, 2014 2:45 am

I can identify with your fantisizing about suicide,
But thinking about rape and mass murder is totally outside my world.

You don't say if you are seeing a doctor or psychiatrist for your moodswings and disturbing thoughts.
You also don't mention medications (which you would probably have if you were under the care of a doctor) See a doctor, trust them and tell them your fantasies. They will help you find a moral center that respects life.

To me, your fantasies are really alarming and I don't think they will go away without treatment. In fact, they might become overwhelming and you will do them. That is a totally frightening possibility.

I have to say it again. Get professional medical help! You will be glad you did.
It is not always possible to make someone's discomfort go away.
Sometimes, the best thing we can do is resist the urge to fix it and instead just say, "You, too?"
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Re: Peculiar moodswings *TW*

Postby xfa » Thu Jul 24, 2014 2:51 am

skilsaw wrote:I have to say it again. Get professional medical help! You will be glad you did.

I am seeing a psychologist now. I consulted him a few weeks ago, so we've only had 2 sessions so far.

I was seeing a psychiatrist a few months ago hoping that he could help me out with medication or therapy. Instead, he wanted me hospitalized after 3 sessions saying that therapy wouldn't be enough. That intensive care would be needed...I rejected that idea, because I was too scared..

I should probably be seeing a psychiatrist aswell, shouldn't I? A psychologist might not be enough.
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Re: Peculiar moodswings *TW*

Postby Oliveira » Thu Jul 24, 2014 8:07 am

I think hospitalisation might not be a bad idea -- it's much better to end there voluntarily than act on your fantasies and either hurt someone or attempt to and end up in the hospital forced by police. :/

It's a lot you've got going on there. I can see why your psychiatrist would like to see you in a hospital -- you are safe there. In your current state last thing he wants is to put you on medication, then go "whoops, guess this wasn't a good choice!" after something happens.

If I may suggest please reconsider his suggestion.

Big hugs.
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Re: Peculiar moodswings *TW*

Postby CrackedGirl » Thu Jul 24, 2014 11:50 am

xfa wrote:I was seeing a psychiatrist a few months ago hoping that he could help me out with medication or therapy. Instead, he wanted me hospitalized after 3 sessions saying that therapy wouldn't be enough. That intensive care would be needed...I rejected that idea, because I was too scared..


What is it that is scaring you about admission?

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Re: Peculiar moodswings *TW*

Postby xfa » Thu Jul 24, 2014 7:24 pm

CrackedGirl wrote:What is it that is scaring you about admission?

The main reason why he wanted me hospitalized is because of my severe AvPD. It's gotten me to a point where I am completely isolated, don't go out, don't talk to anybody and my mother is doing everything for me. I just have a problem with people.
And now imagining being in this environment out of my comfort-zone around people, having to interact and communicate with them etc...It's a very uncomfortable thought..

CrackedGirl wrote:If I may suggest please reconsider his suggestion.

I will do that.

Thanks for the replies so far. It's been helpful.
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Re: Peculiar moodswings *TW*

Postby CrackedGirl » Fri Jul 25, 2014 7:57 am

Hey

xfa wrote:The main reason why he wanted me hospitalized is because of my severe AvPD. It's gotten me to a point where I am completely isolated, don't go out, don't talk to anybody and my mother is doing everything for me. I just have a problem with people.
And now imagining being in this environment out of my comfort-zone around people, having to interact and communicate with them etc...It's a very uncomfortable thought..


I can see that being admitted might feel really daunting given all that. WHat I would say tho is it might help so if you can think about how to challenge the thoughts you are having it might be good to go in for a bit just to get things a bit more sorted.

Hugs

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