Different depressive phases - but feeling confused

It's been almost one month now. I'm in a depressive phase that is different from previous depressive phases. How is it different? Well, when I wasn't on medication or when I was on a low dose, I got severe depression lasting from 3 days to 1 week and felt like dying. No suicidal thoughts, but phrases like "I wish I go to sleep and never wake up again" are common. Crying, feeling like it's impossible for me to go out (and feeling awful if I do)....insomnia or sleeping too much...feeling like my life is over, no hope for my future and feeling completely lost.
Phases like that are very violent and happen all of a sudden, and hypomania always follows.

But this month....I didn't cry this month because of depression. I don't have that violent depressive phase. It's more like....it's consuming me slowly. I don't want to go out with friends and I barely leave my bedroom. I don't know how to explain. I'd say this is mild depression, but on the other hand, it's been lasting almost one month now, it doesn't let me study, go out with friends or see them....I don't want to do anything, I only want my bedroom, my world, my own space. I'm pushing people away.
I started to self-harm (but I didn't tell my psychiatrist), but I do it occasionally.

I don't know which one is worse though....the violent, severe depression

Also, maybe my psychiatrist didn't realize the severity of my previous depressive phases, because she replied cyclothymia today when I asked her about the diagnosis, but she seemed vague and unsure, so maybe this is why she keeps talking in general. She also said it's a very unstable disorder.

Well....treatment still needs work, but overall, I can't complain that much. I'm just confused because I don't know whether I'm actually getting worse and undervaluing the situation, or getting better.

Hypomania disappeared now on medication. But depression is still here.

Last euthymia (stable mood) lasted 1 month more or less, but it generally lasts a few days (like 4 days or something).

This is more complicated than I expected

p.s: I asked her "is there a diagnosis yet, or is it unsure?" and she seemed unsure and like it still needs to be defined, but she said "cyclothymic disorder, because it's cyclic".

???

I understand it's very hard to figure out this kind of things. But I would think it's either Bipolar II or Bipolar disorder NOS

Hi there,

I have had both kinds or types if you will, at different times in my life. I don't think one is worse than the other. They are equally crappy. You do need to tell your doc, in my opinion, the length of time you are feeling this way, that you are doing or want to do nothing. If you are taking anything it could possibly be the dosage or types of drugs in combo they prescribed for you as well. I have that happen - adjust meds and then it throws me into one or the other, mania or depression.

I understand how you feel, There were a few months where if I got out of bed and forced myself to go to work it was a miracle. Just a bump on a log is what I called it cause that bump just sits there doing absolutely nothing and it was great, or at least, great in the respect I didn't have to do anything and could just sleep as much as possible.

Hi poisonbutterfly.

Do you mean you have both cyclothymia and bipolar II? I agree all kinds of bipolar disorder are equally crappy. I had no idea it was so hard to deal with all of this.
I talk about phases lengths, but I think I need to explain things in a more detailed way so I'm preparing a paper, so I can help her help me figure things out. I am the one who knows every thought in my head, but if I don't explain things well to my doctor she will only feel confused. I do feel confused about the pattern of mood swings.
There might be some BPD traits too. She didn't say this though, but after talking to her about friendships and the way I treat people and get attached to one person, she asked "fear of abandonment"? so I said yes it's that. After a while she zoned out and said "uhm, these are aspects of...uhmm..." and then stopped and continued to focus on meds. She added a SSRI antidepressant now, to help me with depression.

I think the situation is confusing here, so my explanations are crucial. The more detailed I get, the easier it will be for both of us to cooperate.

She said it's a chronic disorder, and therapy is necessary - (at least, for me?) and told me to please contact her if things change - mood swings, SSRI induced hypomania, etc.

ElKahn wrote:Hi poisonbutterfly.

Do you mean you have both cyclothymia and bipolar II? I agree all kinds of bipolar disorder are equally crappy. I had no idea it was so hard to deal with all of this.
I talk about phases lengths, but I think I need to explain things in a more detailed way so I'm preparing a paper, so I can help her help me figure things out. I am the one who knows every thought in my head, but if I don't explain things well to my doctor she will only feel confused. I do feel confused about the pattern of mood swings.
There might be some BPD traits too. She didn't say this though, but after talking to her about friendships and the way I treat people and get attached to one person, she asked "fear of abandonment"? so I said yes it's that. After a while she zoned out and said "uhm, these are aspects of...uhmm..." and then stopped and continued to focus on meds. She added a SSRI antidepressant now, to help me with depression.

I think the situation is confusing here, so my explanations are crucial. The more detailed I get, the easier it will be for both of us to cooperate.

She said it's a chronic disorder, and therapy is necessary - (at least, for me?) and told me to please contact her if things change - mood swings, SSRI induced hypomania, etc.

I was referring to the different types of depression, whether it be to just not be bothered at all and just want to sleep and be left alone that lasts a long time and the other type you refer to as short lived but very bad as far as not wanting to be existing.

All kind of mental issues suck. lol i think you will find a good number of people that feel that way. If it helps you then yes I say go for the letter or journal writing. If I haven't just shortly before going in think about certain things I want to say I will forget and not give more info so my doc understands as much as I can give her.I think I need therapy, meaning talk therapy. I have my shrink but that is mostly to monitor my moods, meds and make sure I am not going off the deep end or anything. I need an actual just talk therapist. Group stuff is not me. it has to be solo. The online I can deal with because I don't 'know' anyone nor can I physically see anyone.

I was referring to the different types of depression, whether it be to just not be bothered at all and just want to sleep and be left alone that lasts a long time and the other type you refer to as short lived but very bad as far as not wanting to be existing.

Oh ok I understand now, thanks for clarifying

All kind of mental issues suck. lol i think you will find a good number of people that feel that way. If it helps you then yes I say go for the letter or journal writing. If I haven't just shortly before going in think about certain things I want to say I will forget and not give more info so my doc understands as much as I can give her.I think I need therapy, meaning talk therapy. I have my shrink but that is mostly to monitor my moods, meds and make sure I am not going off the deep end or anything. I need an actual just talk therapist. Group stuff is not me. it has to be solo. The online I can deal with because I don't 'know' anyone nor can I physically see anyone.

I agree that every mental disorder has its bad sides and challenges, and saying one is milder or worse than another one can be offensive, since every person is different, feels in a different way and reacts in different ways.
Yeah I feel like I have many things to tell my doctor, but when I finish the session I realize I forgot to say something or didn't explain something properly, or tried to hide my emotions.
I find talking to people online relieving and it helps me understand and cope with what I experience and since I'm very introverted, it helps with that aspect too.