pushing friends away - depressive phase

July is the month of depression. I've been depressed for most of the month, and it seems like this phase is not gonna end any time soon. I'm not going out, I barely walk out of my bedroom and I decline invitations of friends. I don't want to see people, I'm not interested in going out or seeing my friends.
They all know about me having bipolar disorder, but it seems like no matter how hard they try to understand, they just can't. I try to explain them that it's not the right moment for us to hang out because I'm not feeling okay, but it seems like they insist wanting to see me.
I had an argument over the phone with one of my friends. She said I'm not giving her enough attention, she said that I just stay in my own world without giving a damn about anyone. Which is true, I'm pretty cold, detached and uninterested now. I don't know if it's an irreversible situation. Maybe my personality is changing, or maybe it's just the depressive phase making me act like this. I easily get mad at people, especially when they keep insisting that I should go out or that they want to see me.

Sometimes I feel guilty, other times I don't care. Is it normal? Today I feel hurt and sorry about what I'm doing to people around me, but other times I just don't give a damn and want to be left alone.
Then I got all jealous, telling one of my friends that she's ignoring me, that she found new friends now and doesn't care about me, that she spends more time texting them and staying with them, that she now prefers them because I am the depressed, boring friend, so she doesn't like me anymore because of my disorder. I don't know if it's coming from bipolar or if it's a borderline trait (attachment, devaluation). But I didn't put her on a pedestal and idolized her. I feel disappointed and ignored, but at the same time I'm fully aware that it's me pushing everyone away.

It's just so hard to explain people, and maybe I expect them to understand things that they could never understand, because it's so far away from them, it's a new world they're not used to, they have zero knowledge about mental disorders and bipolar disorder to be more specific. I try to explain that when I'm depressed, going out doesn't help and I can't even get myself to leave my bedroom, let alone my house. Everything seems so damn complicated.

This depressive phase is consuming me. I have an appointment with my pdoc tomorrow, and I guess she will decide to increase the dose - I'm on Lamictal 75 mg at the moment.

I just don't understand why my friends can't understand this, and it makes me feel more isolated and misunderstood. I want people to stop assuming I don't care about them. I explain them that my disorder is causing this, but that one friend who attacked me really sounded hurt.
I'm really tired and want this phase to end soon and I want to be stable again. It seems like Lamictal made hypomania disappear, but depression is still a problem. My depressive phases last much longer, in contrast to hypomania, and depression is much more frequent and it's worse than hypomania. My hypomania isn't even dangerous, it's just me feeling super confident, super optimistic and like I'm the owner of the world and it makes me feel good when it happens, like I feel on top of the world.
But I'm starting to really miss it now....

I think I do this too, but in a different way. I find that I often force myself to go out and see people (my friends) or to associate with them on the internet or whatever, even when depressed. And this never ends well. Always ends with a stupid argument (that doesn't help my mood any, for sure) or some drama like that. Eventually I recover a little and I feel so bad for how I acted that I go to pretty ridiculous extents to try and earn some forgiveness for what I did or reconcile with people.

My friends don't seem to understand the disorder either. Whenever I bring it up, they usually say that I shouldn't blame everything I do on the disorder. Which I agree with to some extent, some things I did were just plain stupid or mean, bipolar or not. But it always hurts to hear that. So I can't generally use bipolar as an excuse with my friends.

When I'm low, they always try to ask me what's wrong or try to make me feel better, offering to buy something for me or something like that. Sometimes it helps a little. For me though, all I really want is to talk to people who are supportive. I don't really care about a free soda or ice cream, though its a nice gesture, and sometimes does help a little bit.

I've lost the trust of a lot of friends by doing this kind of thing. I value my friends a lot though and I'm too scared to lose them, so I force myself to hang out with them anyway, which I realize now is counter-productive. I wish there was some sort of compromise.

All that being said, maybe we just need better friends, haha. Ones who understand better, at least.

Gpayne wrote:All that being said, maybe we just need better friends, haha. Ones who understand better, at least.

That.

Not that I don't care for my friends, but having some other friends irl understanding me would be awesome.

In my own personal experience, trying to please people who call themselves your friends can backfire on you, in a negative way. They mean well but it's not what is good for you. For example if they ask you to go do something that might be fun like watch a movie, if you go you feel miserable and you get upset for even going. That is not fair to you. When you are ill, you come first. You will find out who your true friends really are and who your acquaintances are. Some people turn out to be false friends too. It's a reality I've had to deal with and some in my past has caused me to be processing it over and over, how can a person be so mean to me and pretend to be my best friend in who I confide in.

It may seem to others that you are pushing them away but the truth that I see is that you need your space and that you need to heal. As someone who has been pushed away, I put up with it for a year and that is a really long time and then, and only then, did I end the friendship. I am angry and never want to hear from that person ever again, as long as I live. But do you push those people away for a whole year? My own thinking was that this person didn't want me in their life any longer so it was a big hint to me to stop contacting them. What else was I supposed to think. I reached out to them several times, not every day but months in between and no reply. So, I think your friends need to give you your space and then you can still try to contact them after you are feeling better, much better. Maybe every now and then just call and leave a message or a text. Don't compromise yourself to doing something with them if you can't. This is how you find out who your true friends really are.

quietgirl2538 wrote:In my own personal experience, trying to please people who call themselves your friends can backfire on you, in a negative way. They mean well but it's not what is good for you. For example if they ask you to go do something that might be fun like watch a movie, if you go you feel miserable and you get upset for even going. That is not fair to you. When you are ill, you come first. You will find out who your true friends really are and who your acquaintances are. Some people turn out to be false friends too. It's a reality I've had to deal with and some in my past has caused me to be processing it over and over, how can a person be so mean to me and pretend to be my best friend in who I confide in.

It may seem to others that you are pushing them away but the truth that I see is that you need your space and that you need to heal. As someone who has been pushed away, I put up with it for a year and that is a really long time and then, and only then, did I end the friendship. I am angry and never want to hear from that person ever again, as long as I live. But do you push those people away for a whole year? My own thinking was that this person didn't want me in their life any longer so it was a big hint to me to stop contacting them. What else was I supposed to think. I reached out to them several times, not every day but months in between and no reply. So, I think your friends need to give you your space and then you can still try to contact them after you are feeling better, much better. Maybe every now and then just call and leave a message or a text. Don't compromise yourself to doing something with them if you can't. This is how you find out who your true friends really are.

Exactly. I don't wanna go to places with them and then regret it or get upset while being around them. I've been knowing them for years and years, so they should know me well enough to understand that I care for them, but I'm also a quiet, introverted guy who prefers being alone most of the time.
I have my own world, it's true. I feel safe and free there, and I want people to understand this.

I need my own space, but it happens when I'm stable, too. That is not just a depression symptom for me (depression makes it 10 times worse though), but it also comes from my personality and possible autism. Or I'm just an extremely introverted person who's extremely similar to autistic people.
I actually text them, everyday. It's ok, as long as they're not around invading my space or asking me to go out. I keep in contact with them though, so it's not like I totally ignore them. I just try not to meet them or have them come over to visit me, and refuse to accept their requests.

I don't want drama. I just want them to understand and respect my condition.

I push ppl away when low as I just dont want to be around ppl. I want to stay in my house and probably in my bed and ignore everything- I dont have the energy or the inclination for anything else. It sounds like you are really stuck in some depression atm. I hope your Dr is able to address this as it sounds like something needs to be done. But yeah i understand pushing ppl away. I think that it is a case of educating ppl about that - that is what I have done with friends. I lost a lot of friends when I first got really ill but my newer friends post diagnosis have been a lot more supportive and understanding- I think in part because they have been educated in what BP does to me at times.

Hope that your friends start to be more understanding

Hugs

Cracked

I think they don't know the real you, that you like to be alone a lot and that you are fine with staying at home, whether you don't feel well or you do. Not really knowing what to do since I can't come up with any helpful advice I think that might be something for you to think on. To let them know in a certain way that you are cool with just hanging out by yourself for the moment and you'll call them later. People who care about you will respect this and will want you to hang out with them when you want to be around people. They value your friendship.