Need help and opinions please.

(This is a copy/paste from another post I put into the self injury forum. I moved it here because I think I'll get more help this way. There's more information about my life in that other post, just in case anyone want's to read it)

I waas dating a guy, but we broke up about three months ago. Actually, we had already broke up 4 times before (all of them because he wanted to). We've talking this week and he has told me some things that made me realize that it wasn't his fault to feel that he needed to stay far from me. He said that I had weird mood swings. That I could be totally depressed for a whole week, getting worse and worse, sleeping a lot, crying a lot, didn't want to do anything but lying in bed with him, and talk about how miserable I felt, how much I hated my life, and even once telling him that I'd thought about suicide, but that i wouldn't do it. He said that eventually, i would wake up one day feeling totally happy, saying that none of those problems was that bad, that I was tired of being sad because of others and that i didn't care about anything. He told me that i began to feel anxious, i wanted to do everything, and do it perfectly. I started many projects during those happy days. First, i worked as an "english teacher" for a couple of months, nothing serious, just to help them with the subject. I spent most of my time preparing exercises and homework for the kids. Then i began to work as a cosmetic seller (i dont know if this is the word, really, i'm sorry for my writing mistakes). I bought a lot of products, i spent all my savings in them (about 600€) because it looked like it was going to be "the project of my life". Well... that lasted about 3 months, and now my mum, sister and I have creams and makeup for some years... After that, I decided that selling those products was too boring, so i started to run my own business of jewelry and bijou. I created a web, spent the whole day looking for good online shops where I could buy the things i wanted to sell, taking him to every shop in the city... I've given up on this too, but now i have a box plenty of rings, necklaces and bracelets . I was just eighteen by the, and it's funny to see that i was convinved that i was sure that i was gonna become rich because of my "fantastic ideas"
The point is, he says that during those periods, he talked to me and i was like "uh, fine" and then suddenly started talking about something else. I would answer to him angrily if he interrupted my thoughts and plans. Told me that there were moments were he couldn't recognize me. I used to be in a constant "i have to do this..., i need to do this..., i'm a rush..., i've not enough time for all the things i have to do..." Sometimes I felt really anxious, i used to get angry with him if he made me stay calm for a day, my heart was racing even if i was lying on the couch. I was put on some meds for this .
All of this happened during last year's summer and then, my mom's issues began, and i ran out of energy. i needed to increase the dose. i was taking meds for anxiety and depression (which weren't new for me, as i had taken then while i was in hospital for my ed). i used to spent nights crying while he hugged me, he would take me to his house, as staying in mine wasn¡t doing any good to me. And even then, he says that i could be depressed before i sleep, and act like nothing happened next morning.

Also he told me that before that time, i used to be depressed sometimes, but never with such mood swings.
I truly believe that everything got worse after my family problems began. I had to deal with too many things. Sometimes i was so irritated that i was really mean to him, blaming him for not having time for all the things i wanted to do.
i never payed many attention to it as i thought it was completely logical to feel the way i felt.

after the last time we broke up, i felt really weird. First day after we had that conversation, i was shocked. I didn't remember anything. Not like i thought that we were still together, but like he had never existed. Next day, when I arrived at university, i couldn't stop talking, laughing, wanted to party every night, drank too much, smoke to much (cigarettes and weed), had sex with a couple of boys from university, did everything really quick, just because i felt happy. I didnt care at all that we had broke up, it was fine, looked like "great, i have more time to do my things now!!" this lasted two weeks. i didn't sleep much, just a couple of hours a day, sometimes even nothing at all, and i could go without any sleep for two days, but i still felt like i just had four coffees.
I told my friends that we weren't together anymore while laughing, they thought i was joking and didn't believe at first. One day, even some of my closest friends thought that I was doing drugs, because they couldn't believe that i could have such energy the whole day...

after that, as you can imagine, i went down. i only could think about how sad and depressing my life was. i started looking for a job because i didnt want to live with my parents anymore. I felt nervous around them, like "the more i stay here, the more chances i have to become like them" i felt dirty from all the influences coming from mi parents. it was like having a huge black cloud over me with all the bad things that i could learn from them, but that i didn't want to...

few days after, we studied bipolar disorder at class (i'm studying psychology) and now i think "hey, that looks like me...could this be bipolar?" I'm pretty sure that those two weeks after we broke up, where hypomanic.
I've been reading and most things people talk about relate to me. I've had anxiety since I was 5 or 6 years old, after we moved, i started to be depressed sometimes, specially in summer. I can't remember when the first time I thought about death was, but i know i was staring in front of my window planning how may i jump in order to kill myself. I think I must be about 10 or 11 by then. Obviously, never tried. Self harming went worse, and then, by 13/14 years old my issues with eating started, and now that i've thinking about it, i think my "i want to die"/"i want to fix the world" days have a lot to do with my "i don't want to eat"/"i'm hungry to death" days. I can't remember the last time i was fine for a whole year...
everything makes sense now, everything gets explained if based on the hypothesis that i have bipolar disorder...

As last time, i've missed a lot of things because there is much to tell. I began writing it last night, i was so angry because i got my hair cut in the afternoon and i didn't like the result at all... That hairdresser cut what she wanted to, not listening to what i asked for. i took a couple of pills at 10 pm and well... now i can barely remember anything from 8 pm. at 3am my sister came to my bedroom, i'd fallen asleep in the floor, with the lights on... So i've finished writing everything as soon as i got out of the bed.

i don't think any of this is normal... i just want to go to the psych but i'm scared that i won't have time enough to tell him. Do you people think i'm right? does this seem to be bipolar? i don't mean to offend anyone, but i wish it we're, because that would mean being able to explain many of the things that happen to me, and that's the only thing i want atm, answers...

Thank you for standing my huge posts...
Big hugs!

Hi singingintherain,

You sound like my twin.

I can tell, you have so much on your chest, so may questions, so many stories to tell. You seem very intuitive with your self-assessment, and it seems a logical step to get a professional opinion on your suspicions! Of course, nobody here on the forum can diagnose you, but you have explained your symptoms well, in classic bipolar style!
I was mis-diagnosed with anxiety disorder 12 years ago, and only recently correctly diagnosed with Bipolar. When the "shoe fits," you know it! This diagnosis explained a LOT about my life. I am still working on coming to terms with it.
Can you get an appointment for a professional opinion soon? These forums are so very helpful, but if this is Bipolar, you will want more help. In some cases, the longer one goes without treatment, the more resistant to treatment it becomes. Not to scare you ~ but I think you are already on the right track, and you will feel more satisfied to have some answers.

P.S. When I went in for my psych appointment, I didn't know what to say or how to say it either, but that doesn't matter... they will most likely "see" it in you regardless of what you say! How it started for me was I went to my general practitioner, he gave me a "fill in the blanks" test that indicated bipolar, and then he referred me to a psych doc with his findings.

I cannot tell you if you are Bipolar because I am not a doctor but I can say that your concern is defiantly enough to go to a doctor and see if they can help. I found that writing down my feelings and bringing what I wrote with me to my appointments helped me to share with the doctor because I get very nervous and tend to leave out important details.

That guy you were with sounds really supportive. My husband is like that, supporting me all the time. Whether I have crazy plans, or whether I'm down in the dumps. But sometimes he gets fed up and leaves me to my own stuff. It's because I get easily irritated and I take it out on him, and I blame him for things that truly isn't his fault. We're forever cycling through phases of happiness, and times where we hardly want to speak to each other. We've been really happy since last year, probably because I was semi-stable.

I can't really say whether you are bi-polar, but you sound like me. Right now what is probably happening to me is, I've taken on so many projects and plans that I'm feeling burnt out with all these half finished projects and my life feels like a complete mess because of it. Right now I'm experiencing extreme anxiety and fear. My first diagnoses was general anxiety disorder and depression. I actually first went to see a doctor when I realized that I was having real thoughts of suicide, and planning to act on those thoughts. My baby was 4months old at that time and I even thought of taking him with me so he doesn't need to live through the pain of losing his mother. Scary stuff.

Thanks to all of you, really helped me.
Crackerjack, maybe i sound very intuitive because i pay a lot of attention to what I feel (physically or mentally) all the time. It doesn't help sometimes, as I get easily worried for my health, but other times is very helpful, as i think i make things much easier to my doctors I write a lot about my feelings, and I think it has helped to understand myself, and know how i really am, even though it hurts a bit sometimes.
And yes, I have an appt with my psych the 23rd. Not that i asked for it, but my whole family is going to get my mum's issues solved... Anyway, as we're going, i want to tell him about me too.

Totally agree with you oddone, I tend to forget significant information everytime that I try to tell something important, so I'll follow your advice, and I'll write things down just in case i forget something.

Naomin, so sad that you have so much to deal with. I really hope things get better soon. You're lucky to have such a nice someone who tries so hard to understand you.
So was my boy, even if he got tired at times, i really appreciate all the things he'd done for me.

I wasn't looking for any of you to diagnose me. I know you can't. I just wanted to know if what i think makes any sense, because i feel really sure about it, but i don't want to offend my psych telling him that "I think I know what I have". I think this is upsetting for doctors
And also I'm scared of being wrong, or that he doesn't agree with me. That would mean being back to the point where I had no clue about what's happening to me. No answers, no explanations. I'm 19 and I feel like i've missed most of my teenage years due to all the problems i've had, and i don't want to keep missing what i think that could be a "happy life". I would like to enjoy everything, and never have had to go to any psych, or take any pills, or have stayed at hospital... I see people around me, who have the life they're supposed to have at my age, and this hurts...

Hugs to all of you, and thank you so much for all the support

singingintherain wrote:And also I'm scared of being wrong, or that he doesn't agree with me. That would mean being back to the point where I had no clue about what's happening to me. No answers, no explanations. I'm 19 and I feel like i've missed most of my teenage years due to all the problems i've had, and i don't want to keep missing what i think that could be a "happy life". I would like to enjoy everything, and never have had to go to any psych, or take any pills, or have stayed at hospital... I see people around me, who have the life they're supposed to have at my age, and this hurts...

Oh singing... I feel so much empathy for you.
My mind plays tricks on me the same way, no matter what i think or decide, my brain starts thinking "what if?" and "what then?" and it just keeps thinking in circles, the same thoughts, over and over again, with no real answers, because I even question the answers...
I am now 43, and I was just diagnosed 8 months ago, so I know what you mean when you say you have missed out on those years. For me, I feel like I "messed up" my entire life time of my early twenties, raising children, relationships, career. I have now lost it all, including my children, I don't own a home, I have no car, nothing to show for all those years I worked so hard to support myself and 3 kids as a single mom. I look around at others my age and I just don't have what they have. My life is messier. But I know that someone in their 60's might tell me to look on the bright side, that I have plenty of time to create a "new" life. You will have plenty of time, too. You are very fortunate to be learning and understanding this so early in your life... it may seem difficult now, but one step at a time, you will get it sorted out, and most likely live a MUCH more productive life than I was able to, because you will know what you are living with!
Like you, I never wanted to be hospitalized, or take pills. I have been trying SO HARD to do this med-free, all naturally, and it's just not working for me. So I am letting go of some of my most stubborn issues... my therapist calls it "radical acceptance." I've started a new prescription, and I'm working on just accepting it instead of fighting against it. Like water... when it comes to a rock, it simply flows around the obstacle rather than trying to move or change it. I'm trying to be more like the water, and just go with it, and enjoy the parts I can. I'm not there yet, but I'm working on it.
Hugs to you.

@ Singinginthe rain...I know it is difficult at a Pdoc appt to think of all the important things to share and make sure everything is covered. Have you considered printing our your longer post from here, which covers all the information, and giving it to your Pdoc? I imagine it would help.

@CrackerJack - I can totally relate to your situation. I'm also 43, recently diagnosed, and have been working hard to find the right meds to make me stable. I also lost everything - career, home, possessions, in my last mania, and it feels like I am so far behind everyone else my age. Older folks tell me I have tons of time to start something new, but I fee so defeated. I'm hoping good meds will bring me to a place where I can start again. That and lots of therapy. Anyway, you're not alone, thought you'd like to know that.

Finally went to the psych a couple of days ago.

At first, i talked to him alone, while my parents were waiting outside. I told him about my mum's, he asked about my eating disorder (as I'd already been there because of it) and told a little bit about my mood and concerns. I didn't have a lot of time, but with the little I told him, he said that it looked like bipolar, and that we'll talk about it in our next appt.
I feel a bit better now, but still have many doubts...

Didn't get anything clear, next appt for November... It is very long time to wait, isn't it?

Thanks to all of you!!