How do you deal with guilt from things you did when manic?

Hey guys, I'm new here but have been diagnosed with Schizoaffective disorder for 3 years. I was wondering how you guys deal with the guilt of things you did while manic. I recently had a manic episode and did some CRAZY and embarrassing things. And whenever I get a reminder of that time period or think about it, I get really depressed and feel guilty about what I did.

Here's one example of what I did:

I was up for like 29 hours and feeling really manic but I also had some sprouts of depression here and there. I had crazy impulses like running outside in the middle of the night (while it was pouring down rain) and taking my clothes off and rolling around in the mud. But the major thing I did was, when my mom was sleeping I went into her room and broke into her medicine safe. She takes pain medication and sleeping pills. I took both her pill bottles and poured like 5 5mg oxycodone or something (that parts a little foggy) and 4 10mg ambien in my hand and then proceeded to take them. The weird thing is I don't know why I did it. At the time I was thinking that I didn't care if I lived or died. But I secretly I wanted to live. So after a few minutes had passed. I realized what I did and Woke my mom up crying. Telling her what I did and everything and she called 911 and they rushed me to the hospital. Luckily I was fine because they got me in time. And I went to sleep for a long time.

But the reason I felt guilty was because I took my moms pain pills that she really needed. I felt embarrassed because I think the doctor and the paramedics thought I was some drug addict (which i'm not).

So basically how do I suppress this memory or cope with the guilt?

This is just one thing that happened. I had a few more incidents that sucked as well. But this one really hurts me.

You guys have any feedback?

Thank you.
Peace.

Hi Jayman
That's a really tough story, and I can hear that you are feeling eaten up by what happened when you were unwell. I did some things I regret when I was manic, like refusing to hug my Grandmother for a period of time when I joined a evangelical Christian Church. I was delusional and I thought she (and most of the rest of my family) were bad people.
My Grandma was very confused and I think upset that I was rejecting her in this way, as she brought me up and was like a mother to me.
I'm not sure what to suggest other than to talk the guilt feelings through with people who wont judge you. Suppression of feelings doesn't work. At some point you will need to forgive yourself for your behaviour when you were ill

Well I suppress those memories. I'm quite trained in forgetting what I've done in the past. Sometimes those memories surface and then I'm screwed for at least 2 days obsessing about it. When I was younger my siblings hated me for what I put my parents through and I was severely punished (once they grounded me for 6 months, it's when I had one of my first manic episodes). I can say, I did at least all screwed up things imaginable but never fell pregnant in my teens. I nearly got my best friends in jail as I was also pushing everyone to do something bad.

I was taught to face the consequences of my actions. My dad had to spend extreme amounts of money to keep me out of jail and I messed up so bad with drug abuse before and failed all my subjects at uni. I paid back every cent.

At other times it was just things that made me an absolute fool. Where I'm so ashamed of what I've done because people laughed at me and think I'm retarded. When my friends introduce me to new people they warn them against my crazyness and tell them not to worry as I'm different.

My life has been kind of a fight in preventing myself from falling back into that stuff. I try to keep healthy relationships. I focus on my job. I never allow myself to do things that might lead to things getting out of control.

Anyway, the best way to deal with those feelings of guilt would probably be to forgive yourself. If I had the ability to deal with this guilt I probably wouldnt be depressed half the time.

Before learning to live with it and accepting certain.. behaviours.. with week or couple of extreme paranoia and lack of sleep from waking up to even slightest noise outside. Let's just say some of the things I've done have been bit worse than rolling in mud.

Nowdays not so paranoid anymore. Just solemnly waiting for the day police comes knocking on my door.. At this point that seems inevitable, although police around here is understaffed and overworked as it is, so it may take them a while. Especially since so far I haven't actually hurt anyone..

Suppose sooner you learn to accept things faster you'll learn not to take unnecessary stress from them. Ofcourse if or when you threat your or others' life accepting may not be the best route..

Hi Naomin
I always found I had a really clear memory of the things I did whilst manic, people were always surprised I could remember with such detail. I've tried suppressing other stuff over the years which I found upsetting, but like you say it can lead to depression.

Hi Jayman,
I'm glad you woke up your mother and got taken to hospital. She would never get over the guilt if you died after taking her pills.

For dealing with guilt, I lean on my faith. When I'm feeling bad about stuff I have done, I tell myself, "God forgives, Forgive others, Forgive yourself."

Forgiving myself is the most difficult.
I convince myself that I am unworthy, and my acts were so terrible, but it isn't true.

I hope this helps.
Take care,

I don't know if you can do this, but I stay away from those types of people who talk about me. I can be a loner. Last time I was manic it stayed at home, I was spending a lot of money and believed I would get rich in running a business for ebay in selling items and making a profit. So that just stayed with my husband and me. But I've moved a lot and once in a college dorm I would have so many people stare at me like I was crazy. It was very uncomfortable and I was glad to get out of that town, back to my hometown, where no one knew what I had done. Forgiving yourself is hard, but acknowledge the fact that you do have a mental illness and that you are susceptible to doing things like this. It's not your fault whatsoever. You did not choose your illness. For whatever reason God handed you this and all I know is that I am different than others and that I do well with what I am handed down with each day. Even if it means I sleep all day or don't sleep at all.

I tend to compartmentalize, blame things on the disorder. I sometimes have flashbacks of things I did 20 years ago that my therapist said sounded like some form of PTSD... So I might not be the best example to follow...

I still remember the things i did even as a kid. Some bad things. the guilt can drag me down at times and i can obsess about it. But the guilt can also make sure i never do the thing i have done in the past, when manic or otherwise.

Not very well to be honest! I'm the type of person that tends to obsess and beat myself up, so thinking back to the out of control stuff I've done while manic sends my mood shooting downwards. When in a manic episode, my behaviour gets extremely hypersexual and violent (which is so out of character as I'm usually introverted and mild mannered).

If it were anyone else telling me about how they felt like this immoral, depraved person because of what they'd done while manic, I'd be completely forgiving, feel for their suffering and tell them it's not their fault a severe mental illness made them unable to control their behaviour. But I can't seem to extend this same forgiveness to myself.

In a practical sense, I've apologised in depth for what I've done to people I hurt (for example, I assaulted my mum when I was in hospital and also made inappropriate sexual advances to an acquaintance when I was still a teenager). This has helped a little with the guilt as they both accepted my apology.

Right now, I'm working as hard as I can on maintaining stability so that I can minimise the impact of the episodes that make me act that way.