Still don't understand my mania (TW?)

Before my diagnosis of bipolar (my psychiatrist says I'm 1, therapist 2, so no idea) in December, I've had a history of depressive and hypomanic symptoms since middle school, so about 7 or 8 years. It wasn't until December that I had my first full-blown manic episode with delusions and hallucinations. I was on Lexapro at the time, but I had only taken it for three days and the next I launched into mania. My doctor says I wasn't on Lexapro long enough for that to have caused my mania as bad as it was. My problem is I'm having trouble accepting that it happened. I feel like it wasn't me, and that even if I went off my meds (which I don't think I would ever do) it wouldn't happen to me. For some reason I just can't convince myself that happened to me just as a result of my bipolar. Maybe it was from the antidepressants after all, but I'd take my doctor's word over mine. Has anyone else had this feeling or have any words of wisdom?

I believe I get what you're saying because the same realization and denial have descended on me after a first full blown mania with psychosis hit me last month. I've had mania and hypomania before, but never delusions and audible hallucinations like I did this last time for 3 weeks. Never have I been committed before, but I was at that door and my family and spouse were going to take me if I didn't see the pdoc immediately for an emergency appt for meds. So, like you, I'm dealing with the fact that my mind is "disabled" in some ways, that I am afflicted for life probably, and what to do now? How can this be? Really, is this me?

My help has come from my faith (not that everyone should have it, but it's helping in my case). I have to believe that my struggles with my condition are not wasted -- that they will help someone else in some way and that I can pass on my wisdom and compassion to another person who needs it. In other words, though it's hard to accept I have bipolar disorder, I am not "disordered". There is a plan for me and my life that I can help others via the journey of my "sickness", my pain, my experience, and my revelations. I'm learning right now, like you, how to embrace this condition of my mind. I hope this is encouraging to you in some way.

I think it's normal to consider all possibilities as causes of mania. I find it difficult to reflect back upon who I was and the things I did in mania, and accept that it was just my disordered mind, not the fault of something else, like a medication. It would be much easier to accept that an outside influence like a med caused me to change and behave so out-of-control. And now semi-stabilized, my mind creeps to the place where I wonder if I'd be fine without meds. But, like you, I'm not giving them up. Because I've seen what unmedicated me looks like, and it's terrifying. I don't ever want to return to that place.

The meaning I make out of mania is that I've got an illness, and now that I know that, I can live my life with awareness of and respect for it. I must take care of myself so much better now, because it's not just meds that keep me stable...it's the whole lifestyle of low stress, exercise, self-awareness and keeping consistent with my Tdoc and Pdoc. And planning ahead for what I want to happen should I get manic again. I've made plans with those closest to me to get their help and intervention early should they see signs and I'm ignoring them. I try to respect the Kindling theory and know it's in my own best interest to avoid mania ever again, if possible.

It took me three weeks on Lexapro to hit hypomania, followed quickly by a terrible mixed state. However I was feeling different (very talkative, silly, busy, and noticeably 'different' to people who know me) only three days into the medication.

-- Tue Jul 15, 2014 8:38 am --

It took me three weeks on Lexapro to hit hypomania, followed quickly by a terrible mixed state. However I was feeling different (very talkative, silly, busy, and noticeably 'different' to people who know me) only three days into the medication.