Suicide as an alternative *TW

I'll cure my mental disorders if I kill myself. It's better for me if I die. Too much suffering, I'm sick of it all. I need the end.

I feel your pain. Suffering sucks, hiding behind the "normal" mask sucks, most things about this disease suck, and no, I'm not telling you to suck it up. I know how it can tear a person apart like a corkscrew from the inside out, but you've got to fight your way through it. Listen to the moments in your life when things are better and less depressed, those moments are of much greater truth to our reality than the times when the dark beast comes crashing into your life. Above all, remember that no matter what crap has happened today, tomorrow is a new day.

I'll never be " normal ". so what's the point to live such a life?

Who wants to actually BE completely normal, we're all a little off-keel even on our best days, but that's what keeps life interesting

You can't feel what I feel. I hate my life. I want to die. It's not caused by depression. I'm tired, I just want to close my eyes forever.

I'm sure many people here understand how you feel. I do. But please, take a deep breath, think calmly. Why don't you try to make some changes in your life? You say you're tired, so, let's make it something interesting again! I think curiosity has saved me on that days. I feel like I cannot miss all the things I think are coming. Not only that I have already an idea of what will happen, but also that everything is so unpredictable, that I need to know what will be next.
In my opinion, staying stuck at some point is the worst you can do. Find something you like, begin to learn about it and feel the urge to know everything related to it. Or, an easiest one, take a bus, or a train, go to somewhere near but where you've not been before. And there, begin walking, getting lost. Look at all the things, the buildings, the people. Question yourself everything. Force curiosity to grow inside of you, and notice that there are still a loooooot of things you don't know yet. Isn't it sad to miss them? World is huge, I'm sure there always will be a place for each of us.
It's hard, I know, but once you make an effort to start, it'll become easy and even fun, trust me.

Personally, just in case it helps you, I feel I can't die because I need to finish my studies, I need to know what else would I learn, what would be my job like, or my future house, my future husband, or family. What would be my parents by then? And my sister? And all the people I know? There would be new movies, and music groups who may passionate me. What about advances in medicine, or science, or technology? I'd miss all of them if I leave now. And a silly one... What would be my natural death? I will never know if I make it happen now.

I really hope I explained well.

Hugs, and stay strong.

Eh, ending one's life should be personal choice. But now days human life is valued. Valued so high that terminally ill people are kept alive regardless what they'd want. Not to mention whole "eat this drug so you'll forget being miserable" -thinking.

I'm aware BP doesn't count as "ill", but it is life-long condition that is merely manageable, not cureable.

Also I'm aware that life may turn better. But it also may not.

Too much talkin by my side.

I agree with Lanka ending one's life should be a personal choice. The problem with making that choice is that we never really know when is a good moment to make it UNLESS we have a terminal illness that will only cause us pain and NOTHING else.

Bipolar is not that illness. Yes I have suicidal thoughts on daily basis (rapid cycling will do that to ya). But I also feel happy on a daily basis. I have a fantastic boyfriend. I do exciting things that make my life infinitely better than I imagined it (on good days). Hypomania made me dare approach some of my musical idols -- I am talking about people with actual hits and press/radio coverage -- and now we're working together on music. I have lived long enough to hear Pet Shop Boys' Electric, Sparks' Lil' Beethoven and Charlotte Gainsbourg's 5:55 and those three are damn good reasons to live.

Yes I suffer beyond belief -- I had such a mood swing today at lunch that I couldn't move the hand that held a fork. I wanted to die for half an hour. Very much. If you came to me at that moment with a pill and asked me if I want a glass of water, I'd use all the remaining strength to nod. Which is exactly why my decisions in the depressed state can not be trusted. I am "lucky" -- yes I get depressed every day in the last weeks, but it lasts only a few hours, and then I go back to baseline or near it. I remember how it felt to be depressed non-stop for over a year -- I actually tried to kill myself and OH MY GODS AM I HAPPY I FAILED. But I wasn't happy then. I was angry because it took me a lot of strength to make that miserable attempt and I was stopped by my friend.

I might do it one day. Or not. Right now I don't want to, and I wanted to a few hours ago. If I had that pill at hand, I wouldn't be able to say, now that my mood is back to semi-normal, "oh whoopsie, didn't mean it. Can we undo please?" Because, you see, I wouldn't be around. Not that you would know, because I wouldn't come to the forum to write about it.

I can relate to the fact "I'll never be normal". Well guess what? I know normal people. I don't want to be normal. True, they don't get as low as me. But they don't get as high as me. They will never know how it is to discover your true calling and follow it because hypomania lets you. To meet the man of your dreams and make a move because hypomania lets you. To look how you want, do what you want and go where you want, because you finally know that you are not normal, you never were and you never will be, and so you don't need to conform to the standards normal people are bound by.

TL;DR version: yes it is an alternative, and every day I choose not to use it.

You are right, but sometimes I really wish I were dead. Especially after a mood swing a good mood to depression. I hate my life in general too and there are other reasons to make me go and reasons to make me stay...