Relationships/dating

Hi all

I wanted to ask if anyone else has had trouble with relationships and/or dating? I've been dating various men since I ruined a long-term relationship several years ago. No matter how much I like someone and how suited we both believe we are, I always end up going cold on them and breaking it off. Surely it can't be that every man I've ever dated is in the wrong...

It's difficult to look back and try and pinpoint if it was related to moods, but I think when I'm starting to feel really good I decide they're not good enough and I can do better. Can anyone relate?

Thanks, Jo x

I have a hard time in general as a male. It seems that women get turned off by the instability and issues related to the illness. Also, the stigma and misunderstanding.

I am new in my treatment however and have not found stability. I know it doesn't answer your question, just sharing my dating problems

My relationships averaged 10 years each. How no one no's. Now 49yo and how to date? It not easy. Social ques are hard to pick up on. Im at a loss what to do when dating,

theglassbuddha wrote:Hi all

I wanted to ask if anyone else has had trouble with relationships and/or dating? I've been dating various men since I ruined a long-term relationship several years ago. No matter how much I like someone and how suited we both believe we are, I always end up going cold on them and breaking it off. Surely it can't be that every man I've ever dated is in the wrong...

It's difficult to look back and try and pinpoint if it was related to moods, but I think when I'm starting to feel really good I decide they're not good enough and I can do better. Can anyone relate?

Thanks, Jo x

It sounds like you get bored of your partners. To me (and I have BPD + Bipolar 2), that sounds more like a trait of Borderline Personality Disorder than Bipolar Disorder. You might have a trait or two of BPD.

Borderlines (me included) often get bored in friendships and relationships, feeling like we need more or that we're not getting enough out of an existing relationship.

Another provocative theory I have (forgive me) is that it could also be a trait of Narcissistic Personality Disorder. Feeling superior to a partner (this has happened to me) can certainly lead to boredom in the relationship.

I'm not an expert, but this behavior doesn't sound, at all, like a mood symptom. It sounds like a personality symptom.

Hope this helps.

I can relate to this. I spent a lot of time devaluing my relationship when depressed and would rashly break it off if I followed my depressive episode with full blown mania. Whilst I've wondered if I have trace of BPD or NPD, as the poster above suggested, that doesn't necessarily mean it's not mood related. I lived with my partner and I wasn't being treated, so I was unaware of how deeply bipolar affected me. So I think I put a lot of how I was feeling at my partners door, because they were the person I was around most.

Eg. If I was apathetically depressed I'd be thinking "this person doesn't make me feel anything", when in reality I couldn't feel anything full stop.

Or if I was melancholy depressed I'd be thinking "this person doesn't make me happy." When it's actually nothing that can make me happy.

theglassbuddha wrote:
It's difficult to look back and try and pinpoint if it was related to moods, but I think when I'm starting to feel really good I decide they're not good enough and I can do better. Can anyone relate?

Thanks, Jo x

Yes, and it sucks.

Are you perfectionistic about things in general?

For me, I'm perfectionistic about everything - relationships, work, creative pursuits. I think it has got better with age though. If you do suffer from this, CBT helps a lot of people.

Have you actually got a diagnosis yet, as a matter of interest? Your symptoms sound very similar to mine - I have some of the NPD & BPD traits (there's a big overlap) + hypomania ( but generally without staying up all night) + major depression + anxiety. Its a fun mix... Do you get splitting - e.g. do you switch from idealising someone to suddenly irrationally hating them, only defining them by their faults and weaknesses? For me this happens when I'm in low mood and its very upsetting - I'm aware of the thoughts being irrational, and try to simply observe them occurring using mindfulness, but sometimes its like being hit by a tsunami...

darkroses wrote:
Are you perfectionistic about things in general?

For me, I'm perfectionistic about everything - relationships, work, creative pursuits. I think it has got better with age though.

I think darkroses makes a very good point about perfectionism, and I agree with it. Perfectionists can certainly set themselves up for unhappiness in several aspects of life - work, relationships, etc, as darkroses mentioned.

Perfectionism can certainly lead to failure in relationships. Maybe a little bit of contemplation/reflection could help you (original poster) determine what it is that you really want out of a relationship, and what you are willing to forgo. I think that if you continue your existing pattern of dumping guys out of boredom, it may be a hard habit to break out of. Easier said than done (this behavior is obviously pathological, not something you learned from watching movies). But, some hard introspection may help you figure out your priorities. And I also believe that there are no hard and fast rules to dating/marriage: If you're happy being single, so be it ! If you're happy being partners and not marrying, so be it ! The point being ... don't force yourself into anything ... maybe first figure out what it is you want.

It could also be a fear of commitment. When you reach a stage in your relationship where it's kinda time to step it up to the next level, that might scare you to death (does it ?). Is there a specific behavior of your partners that triggers you to break it off with them ?

One last radical theory - you said you dump em when you're feeling really good about the relationship - could this be an ego thing ? It must certainly be a nice ego boost to flush a guy down the toilet. Or you turning the tables on guys coz guys have done this to you in the past ?

I also wanted to share with you a story of a friend of mine. Barbara is 56 years old, a perfectionist (a "people snob", in her own words), single, and never married. Keep in mind that she is an intelligent and attractive woman. She has dated a few times, but has not had any substantial or lasting relationships. To this day, she comes home to her television set after work. I know she's unhappy, but perhaps realizes that it's a bit late in the dating game.

I'll be honest with you - Barbara's story scares me to death. At 56, I don't want to come home to my TV. I'll make my compromises so I can come home to company.

lilodian4ever wrote:
I'll be honest with you - Barbara's story scares me to death. At 56, I don't want to come home to my TV. I'll make my compromises so I can come home to company.

I think its about making compromises, but also acknowledging that one does not need to follow conventional views of what a relationship should entail. E.g. why should it be necessary to live together in order to have a relationship?

I think internet dating is wonderful - being able to read about someone in their own words before one meets them makes it possible to find people just as quirky as you are... There is hope for us all yet

darkroses, you're an interesting guy We definitely need to talk some more !

If it weren't 4.38 am, I'd PM you right now, but you'll hear from me soon enough !

Thank you so much for your responses and insight, and I'm sorry to hear other people struggle with this too.

When it gets to the point of dumping someone I had previously liked, I do feel I've got bored of them and any previous feelings just stop, which is why I'm thinking there's something more going on that just them not being right for me. I was aware it was something within me during the last short relationship ( few months) and tried to fight against what I knew would happen but I just couldn't. Darkroses hit the nail on the head, I do suddenly find myself annoyed by them. It starts off quite intense, wanting to spend all our time together and then just goes to annoyance. The last guy bought me 4 gifts for valentines day which infuriated me (although I hid it). He also turned up at my house half an hour early while I was still on a mad cleaning frenzy which enraged me, that was more difficult to hide and he knew something was up.

I don't feel I'm a perfectionist these days, I definitely used to be but usually now I'm happy to leave something half done if I feel I've done the best I can do. And no, I haven't been diagnosed but I'm pretty sure I have some form of bipolar so am hanging around trying to figure my life out until I'm told otherwise

Two more points; My last long-term relationship was incredibly intense right from the beginning, literally as soon as we met. It was always amazing or horrifically bad, always highly emotional. I'm wondering if I'm either expecting and subconsciously wanting that again, or not letting myself get into any relationship for fear of the same. I honestly don't know what a "normal" relationship should be like.

And, the reason I mention moods is because I'm aware that when I start dating again, it's always when "high". I know this because I always come across as someone really adventurous, loads going for them, always busy on projects etc. Which of course is only my life a small portion of the time. This was definitely the case with the last time I dated, I remember this because I began seeing him around the time of my Auntie's funeral, where I giggled and danced my way through the entire thing :/ Just not sure how things changed over time looking back.

I really do want to figure this out and have a relationship, I'm happy alone when I'm high but not at other times.