Please Help No One to Talk to.

First of all I'd like to say it appauls me that people with mental illness are treated like 2nd class citizens in our society. If I had a physical ailment, I could call many people who would feel bad for me and try to assist me in any way possible, but a mental issue? ....well the same respect is not given. I have never had a physical ailment in my life that hurt me more than the mental issues I struggle with daily. I have dx as: adhd, c-ptsd, possible ocd and now I'm starting to wonder if I have bipolar; Medication I take is adderall, along with hbp meds and an occassional clonazepam. Been on these meds for years. I have had a hellish week with my emotions. Only when I'm alone (which is most of the time)....I feel so, so, so, so, so angry all the time. I have always struggled with anger and rage, but it was 10x worse this week. No matter what I was doing (I enjoy crochet), I was literally growling with the anger and rage that I could not contain. If I didn't verbalize it I had to grunt, growl, moan...anything to release it......finally I took 3 clonazepam and hoped it would be better in the morning....well, it was worse, only now I also have extreme restless leg syndrome and alternate between the extreme rage and deep sorrowful crying jags. Feel like I am going insane. The pain associated with not being able to soothe yourself at 54 years old is overwhelming and painful in a way I'm sure only others who have experienced it can truly relate. Thank you for listening because I have no one I can tell this to who wouldn't end up just making me feel worse. Any insight would be greatly appreciated.

Your pole question, "Are you always 100% honest with your therapist?"
and you post create an interesting story.

You need some help for your current state of mind. This is one time you need to be 100% honest with your therapist. Maybe there is medication that can help you, or it might be more talk therapy, or a course in meditation, cognitive behavioral therapy, or yoga, or something.

One night I came home from work and my mind was just screaming at me. I sat down in my armchair, didn't turn on the TV or Radio, and clutched the chair like I was on a rollercoaster. I seem to remember being like that for a couple of hours. Finally I exhausted myself and went to bed. Does that sound similar or familiar to you?

I've just turned 60. The last 25 years have been full of crazy ups and downs. I'm on the down side of the equation right now, but it is not too serious. I won't bother going to my doctor because he just puts on a very sympathetic face and says "I understand" then immediately writes a new prescription. No exploration of what I'm going through.

Crochet is probably a very good passtime for you. I went through a difficult time by building radio controlled airplanes and scale wooden models. It was slow and methodical and required concentration. It was also fruitful. I could see my progress when I finally stopped. There were times that I would be building until way after midnight.

I know you will get over it. Be patient, be strong.
Take care of yourself.

Thank you for your kind word skil.....it really does help just to reach out to someone who understands. Since writing my original post I started thinking about the term "triggers" that you hear so often in psychological circles. I didn't really feel like I had ever experienced a full fledged "trugger" that took me back to a childhood experience...however, I'm starting to think that's what this awful 48 hr mood was. You see, the last extreme trauma I suffered was the day my ex husband woke up on a day that was like any other and informed me he wouldn't be returning home that day. He proceeded to throw me out of our home, move in his girlfriend and the house burnt down a couple weeks later (after much therapy I now understand he is a psychopath). Well the fallout from that has just about devastated every aspect of my life. Yesterday was the anniversary of the day we were married....I made a mental note of the date sometime during the day, but I had no idea it could impact me that significantly 7 years after the day he left me. It didn't impact me in previous years...but I guess this year it did. The anger .....I have so much unresolved anger toward him, and the sadness associated with what I lost both materially and spiritually by his hand....I do believe this may have been my first experience with a significant "trigger." Thanks again Skil

First off, welcome to the forum I know you'll find a lot of support here. By the way, feel free to send me a private message if you'd like.

Yes, unfortunately, you and me are the minority in this world, and we will always be. The way I rationalize being treated like a 2nd class citizen is the following: I put myself in the shoes of a non ... they probably look at us and think, "He can't even maintain eye contact. What a weirdo !". We must seem pretty strange to them, and I believe that's not their fault ! Imagine a world where we were the majority ! We would think nons were weird (we probably do so anyway). So, bottom line - there's not much we can do about it, so I think we should all just try to accommodate them to the best of our abilities and avoid conflict.

You mentioned being alone most of the time. Can you join any groups or clubs of people who engage in activities you like (hiking, book club, etc) ? Being around people can be so therapeutic, even if you don't say a word. I would definitely recommend surrounding yourself with more people more often. Meetup.com ?

The best advice I can probably give you is to stay occupied. Find meaning in something. Surely, you enjoy doing something that can occupy your time. The more idle you stay, the more you allow the devil to enter your mind. As an example, my hobby is fitness (more of an obsession, actually). It occupies my time and we all know that exercise is a great way to cope with anxiety, depression, insomnia, etc. You get the idea.

Finally, keep posting here !

Hope I've said something helpful without sounding like a dictator