New and a question about your daily life

Hi all,
I am new to all of this, though I can trace bipolar right back to my early teens, I am now 32. I will go into my story later, but I have a question that I just can't find the answer to. I've been doing a lot of reading and the way that depression, hypomania/mania is described as 'episodes' is as though it is very distinct periods of time that have clear beginnings and end. And then between episodes you may be symptom free.

I am really confused about this because I know for myself my moods change a lot and at any one time I can't always understand what I am feeling, only knowing that I am in distress. When I read about mixed episodes I felt like a lightbulb came on, I couldn't believe how accurate it described many of my experiences. Really, I feel like that majority of my daily life is spent in a mixed state. And it has for years now. And then on top of that I have had distinct periods of depression and hypomania.

I do have short periods where I feel 'normal', though as I get older it is only ever a couple of days at a time at most, usually more like hours. So it really confuses me the idea that someone could be symptom free between episodes, when I feel like I am CONSTANTLY trying to just cope in the most basic ways. I can't work, barely leave the house anymore, no friends... I have a really really tiny life that feels like it is all that I can handle.

Is this what living with bipolar on a daily basis is like? No one really discusses the times between episodes. Mine seriously suck.

Hi there, and welcome to the forum!

Sounds like you've been struggling a lot. If you don't mind, I have a question: are you taking any meds?

To answer your question, yes, it is possible to cycle without having periods of normal mood. However, this usually happens with people who aren't medicated, or who aren't adequately medicated. This is my personal experience, not a medical opinion!

I've only been medicated for a few months. Before I was medicated I felt like you do, like I was always something. Depressed, agitated, manic, mixed, you name it. Reading back from my mood journal, there was hardly a "normal" day. But since I started taking my meds this is different. Although I still cycle, I can identify periods of days when I feel normal. Not too high, not too low, just normal.

That's why I ask if you're taking anything. Also, my p-doc always said that BD tends to manifest in young adults (20s) and if left untreated tends to progress with age. So, I was able to function for a long time with symptoms, but this past year was incredibly difficult (I'm 27). Maybe something similar is happening to you?

My advice is see a doctor, if you haven't already. You are not supposed to feel like this all the time, it is possible to get better!

Thanks for your reply invicta. My medication/mental health story is long and confusing, but you guessed right, I am effectively unmedicated.

I have had a really hard time being recognised as bipolar until this year. Mostly this is because I experience a lot of mixed states that had been blamed on my also having aspergers. But it never made any sense ( along with that I have had repeated depression, several hypomania episodes and one full blown manic episode going all the way back to 14). Despite all of this I have been repeatedly prescribed antidepressants. And guess what has happened? Hypomania/horrific mixed states that last time had me in hospital for 4 weeks... While they continued to increase the SSRI despite that I was (literally) running around the halls and so agitated I wanted to tear my skin off every second!

Long story short, I left hospital a couple of months ago and am cycling and cycling depressed/mixed. But my new psychiatrist has insisted that I try Clomipramine (a tricyclic AD good for OCD, which I also have) before a mood stabiliser. It seems they are always looking for those clear lines to episodes... In reality I have been living in an almost constant mixed state for a few years. And I agree with you, I have only gotten worse as I get older. And definitely worse since my last stint with ADs.

The thing is, it doesn't seem so clear to me either. I have kind of got used to living in a constant state of distress. I feel 'normal' almost never... Don't really even know what that is anymore.

Man, that's so infuriating!! Why is it so hard to diagnose BD?? Why do doctors insist on prescribing ADs?? Sorry, rant over!

Well, I'm sure your doctor has good reasons to prescribe you Clomipramine. I have no experience with it, so I can't comment. How long ago was this? Do you see your doctor regularly? I can understand him prescribing Clomipramine, but if it's not working, something has to change! If you haven't already, I would surely bring this up with him. If you keep a mood journal, that might help your doctor get a better idea of how you've been. Sometimes it's hard for us to communicate with our doctors (at least for me it is!). Some people might benefit from taking someone with them, a family member, SO, friend. Just a suggestion.

Alexalex wrote:The thing is, it doesn't seem so clear to me either. I have kind of got used to living in a constant state of distress. I feel 'normal' almost never... Don't really even know what that is anymore.

I know the feeling... You need to tell yourself it is NOT normal to feel constant distress. I used to be depressed all the time, and that felt like normal to me. But deep down, part of me knew it wasn't normal. Trust me, you deserve to feel good. Keep repeating that to yourself until it sinks in!

The psychiatrist said she wanted to be cautious rather than starting a mood stabiliser. But with how unwell I've been this year it would be more cautious to start one rather than risk me deteriorating further on another AD. My opinion anyway.

At the moment I am on a tiny dose, trying to raise it, but my heart is reacting badly so probably can't continue on this medication at all. But I don't know what will be recommended next and the waiting is unbearable.

I can understand your psychiatrist's caution, but still, if it's not working it's probably best to try something else! I'd try to contact her or try to get an appointment as soon as possible. With mine, I can call her when I need to and she usually just adjusts whatever needs adjusting over the phone. If she thinks it's better to set an appointment, that's what we do.

I can't tell you what to do, but if it was me I'd call my doctor. You've been struggling and you can't up your dose, so it seems to me the only option is to try something else. I wouldn't wait around either. You tried it, it's not working, and you can't increase it.

Just let me stress this is my personal opinion, I'm not a doctor! Please don't stop your meds on your own, always consult with your doctor. If she's a good doctor, she'll listen to what you have to say and act accordingly. Good luck!