Stuck in the crossroads [long]

Ever see the movie Castaway? Near the end, Tom Hanks comes to a crossroads. He is standing at the place where four roads intersect and pauses for a bit trying to decide which road to take. Imagine if he sat down in the middle of the intersection, unable to make a decision. That is where I am right now...

Warning: This is long. I had to put all my thoughts out on "paper." If you don't want to invest the time it takes to read this, I totally understand. I have also bolded some of the highlights for those of you that don't want to actually read it all.

I have been MIA for a little while. Without going into detail, things got pretty bad for me for a while. I kind of avoided everyone, including online. I tend to go into my shell when I am in a bad place because it is difficult to reach out for help. So, my doc increased my Wellbutrin and put me on Lamictal. So far so good. My mood is improving and staying pretty stable - as long as I avoid triggers like the plague. Unfortunately, as we tend to do several times in our lives, I have come to a life-changing crossroads. I am facing making a choice that will literally change my life, a couple of choices will change several things - but one of them changes everything. I tend to make decisions based on emotion rather than logic. This time, I simply cannot do that because there is too much at stake. This time, it really isn't just MY life that will be affected but my whole family. The emotional part of me makes a different choice every single day, based on my mood. Sometimes I even think maybe I should just sit in the middle of the crossroads and make no decisions. Keep everything the same. I really can't do that, either. As most of you know, we bipolars crave change when we feel caged, trapped, the walls closing in, etc. It has been this way for some time and I have fought against it. It hasn't worked. I have to change something or I will not get better. The problem is, every time I try to think logically, list the pros and cons, weigh my options, my brain just says, "Stop!" It shuts down. I get overwhelmed and I literally cannot think. I wish God would just text me already and say, "I want you to do *this* now go forth and be well." I even tried to ask my hubby to just make the decision for me and I would do it. Yeah, that's not going to work, either. He is behind me 100% any way I go and doesn't want to be the one to make the decision...

I have been unhappy at work for a while now. It is a great company with great people and I make good money and have good benefits. I'm just burnt. I feel caged. Even the thought of coming to work each day fills me with anxiety and dread. Even worse, the meds are messing with my cognitive functioning and my memory. I will lose my train of thought in the middle of a sentence and have no idea what I was even talking about. I have trouble with word recall - even simple words. My production at work has gone waaay down and the quality leaves something to be desired. I have tried so many things to get myself back in the proper place but I just cannot seem to do it. Most of you know, when a bipolar is burnt out and done, we are just done. There is no going back, be it a job or a relationship or even a house/apt where we live. So, that brings me to the options I cannot seem to choose from:

1. Stay where I am and change nothing. I will likely stay depressed and likely become ahedonic again. Blah, don't want that. I do need a change. This is the least likely option;

2. I have applied for a new job in the same company. It is basically a job I have always wanted and I would be doing what I love - photography. Getting paid to take photos for my company for media, newsprint and television? Hell yeah! Sign me up! Problem is, how long will that enthusiasm last? Can I even do the administrative part of the job? The part that requires memory, prolonged concentration, hours working on written documents and compiling databases? I really don't know. I don't know that my current cognitive functioning will even allow it. Also, when the times I retreat into my shell, it is a MUST for my sanity. I am an introvert and I think most of us are except in a manic or hypomanic episode. So, you know what it is like not being able to "do" people... What happens if an episode hits me in the middle of a four day conference where I am responsible for photographing 1600 people and have a very tight, unwavering deadline that will not allow me to crawl away and hide? The image in my head is quite disastrous...;

3. Take a leave from my current job on FMLA (unpaid) to sort things out in my head and see if I can improve to the point I am functional again. This sounds like a good option in theory but the unpaid part terrifies me because I'm in serious doubt we can live on my husband's salary alone with three kids. Plus, I am the one with the health insurance plan. Switching to his would mean forking over more in premiums and co-pays. I see a pdoc, a therapist and have multiple meds. My teen has been diagnosed with bipolar and has been - uh, doing things - and really needs to get help so she will be on meds soon. We need health insurance;

4. I grew up on a farm. As a kid, it was a fully functional and lucrative farm consisting of multiple livestock, crops, etc. There are a few houses on the farm, right in the middle of 170 acres. My cousin called me one day, out of the blue, and offered to let me live in one of the houses - rent free - and work the farm however I see fit. I can choose to do anything - livestock, crops, garden, horses, anything. Complete freedom, I can hide when I need to, I will be in isolation when I need to be, I can work my own schedule, and we can definitely live on one salary without having to make a rent or mortgage payment. The only utilities we would pay is electric and gas. Water, internet and satellite are covered. Sounds perfect - except this is the decision that will literally change our entire world. We live in the largest city in our state. Except for visits, my kids have never been exposed to country life and farm living. Two out of three are excited at the prospect. My fear is, what if I change our entire world only to discover it was a bad move and I feel trapped? My hubby will have to look for another job. My kids will have to change schools. What if I make these commitments and can't walk away? The thought of this scares me, even though in theory it would be the most economically sound decision, it would be good experience for my kids and I would have way less to worry about on a day to day basis.

Do I stay where I am? Take the new job? Take a leave from work? Move to the farm?

Each choice comes with both pros and cons. I am stuck. I have no idea what to do. If you have read to this point, you must be interested in this story, so please feel free to lay out your thoughts, both positive and negative. There might be things I haven't thought of yet. Either way, thanks for reading. <3

Hi

I have some thoughts about things for you. I wanted to say I understand about making big decisions as I am also facing one atm. I wanted to say what I thought about your options

hummingbird08 wrote:1. Stay where I am and change nothing. I will likely stay depressed and likely become ahedonic again. Blah, don't want that. I do need a change. This is the least likely option;

I dont think this sounds like a good plan as it sounds like you really have reached burn out with this job.

hummingbird08 wrote:2. I have applied for a new job in the same company. It is basically a job I have always wanted and I would be doing what I love - photography. Getting paid to take photos for my company for media, newsprint and television? Hell yeah! Sign me up! Problem is, how long will that enthusiasm last? Can I even do the administrative part of the job? The part that requires memory, prolonged concentration, hours working on written documents and compiling databases? I really don't know. I don't know that my current cognitive functioning will even allow it. Also, when the times I retreat into my shell, it is a MUST for my sanity. I am an introvert and I think most of us are except in a manic or hypomanic episode. So, you know what it is like not being able to "do" people... What happens if an episode hits me in the middle of a four day conference where I am responsible for photographing 1600 people and have a very tight, unwavering deadline that will not allow me to crawl away and hide? The image in my head is quite disastrous...;

This sounds like a possiblity. I think there is always the risk of losig enthusiasm at a job or fiding it difficult cognitively but I think this is less likely when it is a job you are excited about and interested in. I think this is worth thinking about more if you were to get offered the job.

hummingbird08 wrote:3. Take a leave from my current job on FMLA (unpaid) to sort things out in my head and see if I can improve to the point I am functional again. This sounds like a good option in theory but the unpaid part terrifies me because I'm in serious doubt we can live on my husband's salary alone with three kids. Plus, I am the one with the health insurance plan. Switching to his would mean forking over more in premiums and co-pays. I see a pdoc, a therapist and have multiple meds. My teen has been diagnosed with bipolar and has been - uh, doing things - and really needs to get help so she will be on meds soon. We need health insurance;

Practically this does not sound like an option

hummingbird08 wrote:4. I grew up on a farm. As a kid, it was a fully functional and lucrative farm consisting of multiple livestock, crops, etc. There are a few houses on the farm, right in the middle of 170 acres. My cousin called me one day, out of the blue, and offered to let me live in one of the houses - rent free - and work the farm however I see fit. I can choose to do anything - livestock, crops, garden, horses, anything. Complete freedom, I can hide when I need to, I will be in isolation when I need to be, I can work my own schedule, and we can definitely live on one salary without having to make a rent or mortgage payment. The only utilities we would pay is electric and gas. Water, internet and satellite are covered. Sounds perfect - except this is the decision that will literally change our entire world. We live in the largest city in our state. Except for visits, my kids have never been exposed to country life and farm living. Two out of three are excited at the prospect. My fear is, what if I change our entire world only to discover it was a bad move and I feel trapped? My hubby will have to look for another job. My kids will have to change schools. What if I make these commitments and can't walk away? The thought of this scares me, even though in theory it would be the most economically sound decision, it would be good experience for my kids and I would have way less to worry about on a day to day basis.

Bits of this sound really amazing and like an idealistic opportunity. But bits of me are saying BIPOLAR ALERT, BIPOLAR ALERT. This would be a masssive thing but I think that it is super important to make sure that bipolar has absolutely no impact on making this decision. It is the kind of decision I know I would be very tempted to make when my mood was off so please be super cautious about that. That being said it does sound amazing.

Very difficult but those are some thoughts I have

Hugs

Cracked

You sound so much like me and what I'm "stuck" in right now. I want to quit my job so bad and start working on a new career that I already do a little on the side, but the fear of not having enough money along with my husband to raise our children terrifies me into more anxiety. I feel as if I'm "trapped" at what I do and there is no other way. My problem also lies in not knowing "who I really am"...what I really "have"....I've always thought just depressed, but now after reading so much on this forum I'm steering towards bi-polar and now that scares me even more. I know that God will lead me in the right direction(s) and I'm very prepared (at least I think I am) for the bumps and bruises along the way. No matter what path I chose....I know He will be with me every step of the way.

Whatever path you chose, may God be with you every step, also.

Lisafinallyplus

Hi! I really think that you should pursue the photography position. I think it is the one that would be the least life changing option. Getting comfortable in a new position is sometimes stressful, but since you love photography, I think you will kick yourself in the end for not at least attempting it.

Besides, I bet the relative on the farm would still extend his/her offer if the new photography option doesn't pan out. That can be like your backup option.

Whatever you choose, I wish you the best in everything. Keep us posted!

Ok, so I wrote a long reply, but accidentally clicked a link, so I lost it! I hate when this happens!!

Bottom line of what I'd written - I'd go with option number 2. Sorry, but I'm really not up to writing everything again.

Firstly, glad to hear that you’re feeling more stable – that’s a good place to be.

FYI, I’m a careers adviser, though of course this doesn’t mean that I have a superior/over-riding opinion.

I can understand why you’re feeling stuck at a crossroads. You’re facing a dilemma, and have thought of lots of potential solutions, which is good. However, these ideas are pulling you in lots of different directions, which is not so good. In short, I can see lots of thinking, but not so much doing (I’m not making a judgement by the way).

A good place to begin is to do some prioritizing and setting some short and simple goals, that you’ll follow through with. Taking a logical/methodical approach will help, if you're trying to steer clear of making a decision by emotions alone. If you try and tackle all that you’ve outlined in one go, you’re likely to get frustrated, and remain in the middle of your crossroads.

I’ve done a quick review of your ideas, to help you think about them from an alternative perspective:

1, Staying where you are. You said that this is the option you’re least likely to choose. However, have you explored any options with your manager? For example, consider looking into changing your responsibilities, so that you’re performing functions that will require less mental agility or a less taxing project. Could re-evaluate your work load, to see if there’s any flexibility with your company. Could you even look into reducing your working hours?
I appreciate, that not every manager/company will be agreeable to this, but if you don’t ask you don’t get. The worst that can happen is you’ll get a “No!”.

2, It already sounds like you’ve written off the idea of taking on photography position, though you clearly sound very interested in the role. Have you fully investigated this fully though? For example, do you know if the work will be stressful? Will it be flexible enough to suit your fluctuating moods? Will it involve the hours of administrative and database work that you anticipate?
If you don’t have all that fact, then you’re trying to make a decision on a lot of assumptions. If this is the case, make it your job to find out the facts. If this job is with the company you’re already working for, could you return to your old job if it doesn’t work out?

3, Stopping working will give you a big break from work related stress. Clearly this will involve a change in your financial circumstances; so you’ll need to sit down and work out money situation, to find out if this is an option. If you do choose this option, could you take a part time job to keep yourself in a routine and to cover some of the drop in income?

4, Option 4 sounds ideal. However, as you’ve pointed that this will be a very big upheaval. If stress is a trigger for you, then the relocation in its self may not be the only issue to consider, as moving house can be one of life’s most stressful events. If you or your other half, are big on organizing, then spend some time working out the financial and logistical implications of making this move. If this sounds too involved/daunting/unappealing, then simply drop this idea off your list, and come back to it if you need a back-up plan. If there’s one thing that will stop you in moving forward in a realistic way, it’s a fantasy idea that you keep coming back to.

Above all, you need to do something; this decision won’t make itself (though fate often finds a way of messing things up). Put the list that you’ve made into a priority order, and work on just one point. Give yourself a few days or a week to work on that point, and get some answers.

Good luck