hypomania? mental breakdown?

Alright, I'm gonna explain what happened in the past two weeks. First, being a college student I had to take an exam a few days ago but I couldn't do that. I just had to give up. Now, I don't know whether it was just a nervous breakdown or a severe hypomanic (or even full-blown mania?) episode causing this, but a few days before the exam I just snapped, I just went insane and buried my face into the pillow because my head was about to explode, my mind was traveling so fast and thoughts literally HURT, that means yeah I got a very bad headache from thoughts, I started to become restless that means I couldn't stop moving, I couldn't stop going back and forth, I punched the wall while I was laying on the bed and was all hyperactive both mentally and physically, then I ended up being exhausted because my mental activity was killing me, I had to take painkillers for the headache. That lasted a few hours, then I managed to just calm down. I stopped studying, I stopped thinking about exams and all. The day after this huge chaos happened, I took the decision to give up and leave this exam for another month.

I wasn't feeling euphoric, so this is why I'm not sure it was a severe hypomanic attack, because during hypomania I feel like I could do anything if I wanted to, and I feel euphoric. I didn't feel euphoric, I felt depressed but restless and hyperactive at the same time, so it's not like when I'm depressed and just want to stay in bed all day and cry and stuff. Days before this episode, I started to have some happy thoughts, some mild hypomanic thoughts but that's all, but it's very hard to tell sometimes, cause I'm not always sure where neutral, stable mood ends and hypomania starts. Sometimes it's not that easy to tell. All I know is that after that episode I didn't want to go out and see anyone and I just wanted to rest. I started going out after a few days of rest and loneliness.

I call it a mental breakdown, but what if the underlying cause is bipolar? What if it was a bad hypomanic episode triggered by stress? Because I felt under pressure, so I think that stress might have caused it. Also, racing thoughts are always there, it doesn't matter if I'm stable, depressed or hypomanic, I always think too much. It's just that thoughts were very fast that day and led me to lose control. So I'd say yeah I usually have a fast mind and I'm always thinking about many different things and all, but it's obviously worse when I'm hypomanic or depressed.
I'm on medication, so I don't get phases now, I feel pretty stable now and I'm happy, but still, bipolar disorder is unpredictable and stress can be more powerful than meds.

I'll discuss this with my doctor of course, but I'd like to hear opinions from other bipolar people like me.

Hi ElKahn,

I'm sorry it sounds as if you're really suffering and going through quite a bit of turmoil at the moment. Of course, no one on this forum is in the position to diagnose your mood state, and I'd suggest getting an appointment with your psychiatrist as soon as you can to discuss what's going on. In my experience, if I can feel my mood becoming unstable, it's much better that it's nipped in the bud rather than left to potentially escalate.

Having said all that, it's only my personal impression, but perhaps all the intense stress and pressure of exams has prompted this change. I know when I was still a full-time student, practically all of my episodes were triggered around exam time. As you know, stress can really affect bipolar, so I think you've shown a lot of insight and made the best decision by postponing the exam for now.

What you describe, with the feelings of depression, plus restlessness and hyperactivity at the same time makes me think of a mixed episode. Often when I'm in a mixed state, my mood can alternate between depressed, hypomanic and somewhat 'baseline' each day or even within the same day.

By the way, I'm also a fast, over-thinker even when stable, as I am right now. I've also found that, for me, medication can't 'immunise' against episodes so to speak, only prevent them from starting to some extent, or treat them once they have. Personally, when extremely stressed, I've still become (hypo)manic despite taking my mood stabiliser as prescribed.

I hope that, by taking to your doctor, you'll get some answers about what you may be experiencing, and how best to treat it. In the meantime, perhaps talking about your worries and stress to a close family member or friend might help to release it. I also find regular exercise and meditation can calm me down and relieve some of the tension.

Hopefully you'll soon be feeling more stable and ready to tackle your studies. Good luck and take care of yourself.

Hi ElKahn,
I agree with l'ennui, what you described sounds much like my mixed episodes and/or rapid cycling. I can tell you for sure that this condition came on during a time when one huge stress upon another kept piling up in my life! The more stressed I am, the worse any episode gets, but mixed rapid cycling has been the worst I've experienced yet.