I can only live with this if I cut off my family...

I can't live with them anymore. I've posted about this before, but it has gotten worse lately. I made a halfhearted suicide attempt a couple months ago, and up until them, I hadn't had suicidal thoughts. Now they happen daily. I think some of it came from the fact that I was in a psychiatric hospital, and none of my family came to visit me because they "couldn't deal". I was afraid and alone, and they cared more about themselves than they did about me. It was a huge wake up call when I realized they only pretended to care about me.

Against my dad's wishes, I plan on moving out of state soon. He's concerned about the money, but I told him my mental health comes first. When you have bipolar, as I do, your mental health always has to be your primary concern. I'm sure you guys know this. I also know many of you have strong support systems, as that's what's suggested. But I know at least a few of you cannot have this, especially in families that have a history of mental illnesses spanning over several generations.

Will I be okay if I do this? I just want your opinions.

I imagine you were in a lot of pain to try to hurt yourself. And it makes sense that you were sad and angry that your family didn't come visit you in the hospital but you expected they would. I'm wondering if, since it has only been two months, you are stable enough yet to be making such a momentous decision as moving away without sufficient resources? Have you discussed your plan with your Tdoc/Pdoc? Seems to me they'd know you best and be able to counsel you.

That said, to your question about going it alone without a support system...I did it my entire life and survived okay. Never had any family support or family money to help me out. So it's doable. But if I'd had a support system, I imagine I'd have succeeded better and maybe would have gotten the help and meds I needed at a younger age. So as long as you're committed to your mental health and won't let it slip by the wayside, perhaps you'll do just fine. It is your right to build the life you choose, and if that means away from your family of origin for mental health well-being, you wouldn't be the first who has gone down that path.

I still think you should plan this out with your Tdoc/Pdoc though

Thing is, I feel like it's living at home that's doing this to my mental health. I never experienced this at school, and I think I might be okay financially since I can take out loans and am on disability right now (I'm recently unemployed and I know I'm not ready to work at this point in time.) My dad's just worried that down the line, I won't be able to pay my loans off. But he's most concerned about the loans in his name, which he expects me and my sister (who actually just moved out of state last weekend) to pay off since with only my mom working, they can't afford it. He brings it up constantly and it's that, along with my mom's alcoholism/passive aggressive behavior/past abuse that I can't forget about, that upset me the most. I have no friends here, don't have my license, and can't walk anywhere from my house. Really I have no motivation to live, and I feel like I need to be forced to be independent.

I think part of it might be my sister now being independent, and me feeling like I'm stuck here, and being told I don't deserve this or that. It's just messing with my head.

Sometimes family make our mental issues worse. I see my family seldom as their life style isnt good for me. If its better for you then do whats best for you. Family doesnt have to be blood related

My computer is acting strange so I hope this message doesn't get lost.
At times, I think the computer has a nasty personality all its own.

Hi spacingout.
I hear your frustration, and the difficult circumstances you are living in.
Getting on in life is not for the weak at heart. It takes wisdom, and you only get wisdom through experience... You will only know for sure if you can make it on your own is if you do move out.

One of the most sad things you say in your note is that you never had family visitors when you were in the psych hospital... and you resent what appears to you as selfishness and lack of caring. There are many personal battles people have inside when someone they love is in hospital. I know a lady who never visited her dad in hospital before he died because she wanted to remember him as healthy and vigorous. I'm not saying this is right or wrong. Just that people have their reasons.

Another little nugget of information you let out is that your mom works, but your dad isn't working and he says money will be tight if you move out. It would be wrong for you to say, "I want to cut you off from my life, but you need to help me financially to do it." That is not cutting yourself off.

When you speak lightly of getting loans to live on, I don't think you have ever actually had a loan and carried the burden of payments monthly. Personally, I think taking out loans when you have no money only makes things worse. And having your dad co-sign your loans would put an unfair burden on him. If you miss payments, the bank will come to him to pay for your loan. And he's not working.

I think you need real help from a skilled counsellor or psychologist to understand where you are exactly in your life, and where you want to be. Then help you make a plan to get ahead in life.

In the short term, I don't think you are ready to live on your own, difficult as it is right now to live with your family. But I think living on our own is an important life stage in growing up. I hope some day, when the time is right, you do get the experience of living on your own.

Take care,

Skilsaw, I don't think you really understood what I said.

I never asked my dad to support me. My dad expects me to support HIM (and even though my mom can do that herself, she won't tell him to shut up). The loans, and all our other debt, is in his and my mom's names. I know it's weird, especially since we were always upper middle class, but he's gone years at a time without working and thinks it's fair, since he helped support his mother after college. What he doesn't get is that with my illness, I'll never be even middle class, and am already learning to live with giving up the lifestyle I grew up with. Ironically, that's what he's most concerned about - although unlike me, he can save himself, but he chooses not to.

My mom has historically been the main problem, but she's gotten to the point where she wants me to leave (even before my dad leaves, although she'd rather he get a job and stay, but he can't stand her either.) I'm mostly okay with her right now, but I could write a novel of all the ways she messed me up as a kid. My suicide attempt was after a fight where her and my sister ganged up on me (about money, go figure), so the reason she ignored me in the hospital was because I was regarded as being manipulative. She takes hostility to a different level. If it hadn't been a fight, this would have been different, especially since she has two relatives who attempted suicide with other relatives watching, one successfully (so yeah, I know why she's messed up.)

I should probably add that my psychiatrist says I need to move out. He straight up said, and I quote "your parents are horrible". I didn't know they were even allowed to say that. They're convinced they don't have to care as parents anymore because I'm an adult, despite the fact that I have a serious illness. It's not like I would never talk to them again - even though I live with them, I'm not ready to have a relationship with either of them right now. I need to focus on myself.

Hey spacingout,

I can relate to the whole family being aholes. My father is a emotional cripple who has no interest in me or my life, unless he needs something from me. He is one of the causes for my depression, as every time I see him I crash right after.

Quick version:
On my 30th birthday this year, he called me about 7pm at night to wish me a happy birthday and then spent the next 10 minutes telling me everything that he had done to his new house and how much it all cost. I went around and saw him a few weeks later to hopefully pick up my birthday present. Needless to say I left empty handed. I didn't confront him about it, but during my manic episode I told my grandmother about it and she confronted him. He made up some BS story about sending it but it must have got lost in the mail. My father would never send a present to somebody in the same time, he would make them come and get it from him. Not to mention that he is extremely tight with his money.

After discussing this and many other things that my father has done with my psych, I come to the conclusion that for the sake of my stability, I should have nothing to do with him. I completely cut him from my life, including the fact that it was his birthday yesterday and I didn't contact him in any way, still waiting on the fall out from that to come. If it does, I am ready to explode and let him have the last 20+ years of rage that I have built up.


So if your pdoc has suggested that you need some time away from your family, but if they are the only support you have, which is sounds like they are at the moment. I would strongly recommend that you go visit your sister out of state, hopefully without the negative influence of your mother and father there, she will be more inclined to help and support you. This way you don't have to make a huge life changing decision that could also end with some bad financial problems and you get a break from both of your parents for a little while.

I hope it works out for you. Remember that we are always here for you when you need us.

Good luck

Landor

I can relate to your story, Landor. My parents couldn't pay for our college or even birthday/Christmas presents but spent tons of money on the house (sometimes I wonder if my mom is also bipolar, though she never seems to be in as much as pain as much as she inflicts pain on everyone around her, lolol.)

Birthdays are weird - my mom and her 4 brothers and sister all make sure to call each other, and see each other on holidays, but no one even bothers on any other days. So dumb.

Run.. Don't walk away..
Seriously.. I am stuck in the same effin rut as you..
Family can be the worst at tearing you down..

If you feel you need to get away. Do it..
Better that you move away and stay sane rather than staying a place where you will be driven slowly more and more insane every passing day..
Just my two cents..

I too do not have a supportive family. I can relate to being in a psych hospital and having no one come and visit because they are too busy with their own lives. It hurts. A lot. The thing that I do have however, is super supportive friends, and I think that any type of support system is what they say when people diagnosed with BP need a support system. That doesn't always have to be family. I have cut off my family for the most part as well. Like others, our contact is mostly a quick phone call on holidays and birthdays. I personally have found that it was better for me to have it this way. It is less triggering for me, and it does help me to be able to focus on my own needs and grow as a person. It's not easy, and there are definitely times in my life when I really wish I had that supportive family that I see others having, but it is do-able.