No idea who I am

Hello everyone,

I've never posted here but am desperate for some kind of insight. I haven't been diagnosed with anything or even seen a doctor, and am not even sure if I'm making something out of nothing.

I'm 34 with two children and have recently realised I have no idea who I am. I mean none. There seems to be two of me, depending on my emotions and I don't know which one is real, or normal. I've also wondered for a while now, why other people don't seem to struggle with themselves and this has caused me to realise I'm certainly not "normal".

Right now, I'm not sure if I'm depressed or just generally stuck in a rut. For three days I've just been sat in bed, watching movies and reading about bipolar. Yesterday I read from 6pm to 7am withouth a break. I think I have developed a distraction mechanism to not acknowledge how I feel. When I stop to think how I feel my head is just blank, nothing, I don't feel anything at all. My heart aches (and so do my legs for some reason) and I've noticed that when my kids go to bed at night, I feel worse. I feel like crying but I hold it in and it passes to just feeling nothing again. Usually I play video games for large amounts of time, but I just can't get interested in those at the moment. I hate going out and haven't spoken to anyone in days (aside from my kids, who I act normal around). I've also realised that over the last few months, I've pulled back from socialising whatsoever, I make excuses not to have to go out or let people into my house. I can't even make it to appointments because I just don't have the energy to go out. I feel like I'm in slow motion.

At other times, I am so happy I feel my heart could literally burst. I remember a few weeks ago just randomly becoming so happy (I call it high when I feel that way because that's how I feel), I told all my friends in great detail how much I love them, even the ones I don't even like, even a guy I was dating who I didn't really like. I genuinely believed my friend had saved my life by supporting my decision to go back to university. I felt like I was meant for something massive, so I devised a plan to start a charity in Africa and wholeheartedly believed this would change the world. I started writing a business plan and bought a domain. However by the next morning I realised how stupid it was. This is not a one off, I've done several similar things but looking back, I honestly can't remember how long it lasted for or what mood followed.

I've felt that way quite a few times that I remember, and I drive myself crazy. I'm unable to stop emotions and thoughts in my head and trying to grasp at one and explain it to someone (I also think I need to explain my thoughts to people, because I have this profound understanding and compassion that if only people would realise, would change their lives). Until it gets to a point where I just hold my head in my hands in despair and wish it would go away.

A significant "high" I remember lasted quite a while. After breaking up with a long-term boyfriend which lead to several months of definite depression, the first time I ever remember being high was amazing. I thought I had finally found myself and every day was a blessing. I took up loads of new hobbies, spent stupid money on them before loosing interest. I started a society at university which won awards for this surge of productivity that I had and could literally do anything. My lecturers were amazed, I was convincing famous scientists to come and give talks, convincing organisations to come and hold courses for us. This may not sounds extreme, but in a period of months it went from nothing to becoming almost like a successful business. I even held my own navigation course, training people and then taking them out hiking into the wilderness, after having done only a short course myself and really having no idea what I was doing, was a really stupid thing. Thank god nothing went wrong.

Several months ago I remember being "high" and after meditating one day, convinced myself I had had an outer-body experience. It's very common for me to make significant connections in things that are just coincidence in hindsight, but at the time I feel things have meanings. I believed that I had understood the exact teachings of the Buddha, almost to the point of wondering if I was a reincarnated version of him because there was no other way to explain this. I sent a long email to a Buddhist monk explaining this and obviously he didn't agree, which irritated me. I remember saying to my friend how misunderstood I am, people mistake my passion for aggression. Well, looking back I am aggressive when I'm like that, I take massive offence when people don't agree with me and arguments ensue.

However, having said that, I never have times when I can't sleep and am up all night cleaning etc, or feeling massively active. I probably sleep a few hours less but nothing abnormal. I do do some awesome work though, my writing has often been described as powerful when it's been written as a result of feeling so great and can work all day and into the night. But it never lasts.

Does this sound like bipolar to anyone? I don't know if the things I've been reading are extreme cases, but I certainly can't relate to constant crying, or running away from home, or feeling as though I can't go on.

Many thanks,

Jo

Great post and description! Anyone feeling as you do would have questions. Sounds like you are struggling with a lot of emotions. I'm going to suggest you refer to the "Do I Have Bipolar?" Post http://www.psychforums.com/bipolar/topic109502.html
Because we cannot diagnose you here. Good luck!

I must commend you on your unwavering analytical rigor in regards to your possible condition . In my own observations, your behavior and interior experience does seem to fit the script of the way bipolar is manifested in many people's lives. Bi polar 2 from my own idea, but i cannot say with absolute certainty. Such diagnoses are best dealt with if you are personally talking face to face with someone with years of experience in the concepts

my end advice is for you to seek professional help, as there really is no true replacement for the feedback from a professional. If these moods are seriously hindering your life in certain ways, then medication could possibly help you.

here is a pretty reasonable online test that analyze your possible bi polar traits. I happen to get a 25/51 "moderate risk" score on this test and i am completely certain i have bi polar, so are 4-5 other psychologist.. (just some feedback on the possible validity of the test)

Bi polar test

take care, best of fortune

I can understand how you feel. That just kind of "Blah" feeling like the lights on but nobody's there kind of thing. When i feel like that i personally think i am getting depressed. I also have the "overly grand" ideas that seem so great so earth shattering but the next day its just like why even bother. I have struggled with manic-depression (bi-polar) since i was a teenager I'm 23 now i've taken lots of different medications pretty much all common ones i have a combination that is sort of working for me i still have my highs and lows but the meds cut out the extremes. I sometimes look in the mirror and don't recognize the person looking back at me. It's a tough world out there i can understand why you would want to just stay inside for days. All i can say is find a doctor that will listen and the right med combo to cut out the extreme highs and lows. Perhaps a atypical anti-psychotic with a SSRI.

Thank you for replies, I did the test several times over the course of the night and got around 32 each time. I have a docs appointment this morning and I'm terrified! I never tell anyone how I'm feeling and also scared of him telling me nothing is wrong.

Hi! I felt every word you said there. Even the intonation was so familiar. It all looks and sounds like bipolar - I wonder what it would've been to you, discovering you really are bipolar, will it be a relief or a burden? It was a weird relief for me. And yes, you need to visit a psychiatrist. Hope it's possible for you right now.

You also sound like a great person who is in trouble. Depression makes you look at things you did when 'high' as pathetic and unrealistic, but that's just how it works with depression and big great dreams. (and that's how it works with bipolar) If and when you get stabilized, you might realize some of them were actually quite cool. You just don'f feel like evaluating them that way right now.

Best of luck and don't criticize yourself for spending a day or a week or two in the internet coma - you needed it, so you did it; and this day is the next day already.

By the way, meditating would be a great idea right now, when you feel like that and thoughts are monsters. Even 10 minutes of mindfulness meditation might help.

theglassbuddha wrote: ... I am not even sure if I'm making something out of nothing.

It certainly doesn't seem so, from reading what you've written(!)

theglassbuddha wrote:There seems to be two of me, depending on my emotions and I don't know which one is real, or normal.

I would suggest that, rather than panicking about this, that you, rather, accept that there are two facets to your personality. Many peoples' personalities are composed from opposing forces, people being such incredibly complex entities. If you end up taking medication you will hopefully feel more stable, and the extremes of your personality will level out. Or a change in lifestyle - e.g. quitting drinking & caffeine / starting exercise - can level out moods also.

theglassbuddha wrote:Does this sound like bipolar to anyone? I don't know if the things I've been reading are extreme cases, but I certainly can't relate to constant crying, or running away from home, or feeling as though I can't go on.

As has been said, no one can diagnose you on a forum, but it certainly sounds like a mood / personality disorder, or whatever you want to call it. I personally believe that each person has their own unique collection of symptoms, and the idea of classifying people with "disorders" via the DSM flawed. Having said that, there are some people who fit a particular category like a glove, so, for those people a diagnosis makes sense. The main thing is to establish what your symptoms are and then find a means of alleviating them.

These abrupt changes in mood you're experiencing seem to be making you feel disorientated and unhappy. You should consult with a doctor to see if you can find a balance of lifestyle changes and / or medication that will make you feel better. You're being very analytical about your symptoms, which is a great start. I would suggest starting to describe your mood every day and keeping a mood journal - it would be a very useful thing to show to your doctor, and also for yourself, as you'll start seeing patterns in your behaviour over time. I'm doing this at the moment and finding it very helpful.

Are these highs / lows in mood triggered by anything, do you think, or do they occur seemingly randomly?

Well that was horrific. How embarrassing to break down in front of a doctor (stranger). Well he was awesome and gave me 45 minutes of his time even though he had other patients and I was supposed to have a 10 minute slot. So blood tests and go from there.

He said to not let myself do negative things, ie stay in bed all day. But I came home and straight to bed, feeling terrible after going out (emotionally), don't know why.

Thank you all for your help.

theglassbuddha wrote:He said to not let myself do negative things, ie stay in bed all day. But I came home and straight to bed, feeling terrible after going out (emotionally), don't know why.

Well, you don't think you're supposed to come after a thing like that and immediately start exercising or something?) Take a rest, it's great you've seen a doctor!

theglassbuddha wrote:He said to not let myself do negative things, ie stay in bed all day. But I came home and straight to bed, feeling terrible after going out (emotionally), don't know why.

How about: because you have spent literally all the energy you had for the day due to extreme emotional distress? Big hugs -- you've done well. I am glad the doctor took his time with you and helped. I hope all is going to slowly get better for you now.