Laughing Instead of Studying...

Sometimes I will start laughing hysterically, either at something that I can tell my parents about, or something that only I would understand. I am pretty sure that it's part of my illness. I mean, whenever I actually can study, which is barely ever, I enjoy studying. I don't mean studying is fun for me; I just feel like I am being productive, and that I feel a sense of accomplishment. I do not enjoy the process of studying itself at all, but I do enjoy having that newfound knowledge, even if it is just something simple or minute. It doesn't even have to be something that I have never studied before; it can just be a matter of reviewing something that I have previously learned/memorized to refresh my memory of it. Even when I do that, I feel like I have actually accomplished something.

Anyway, here is the point: I believe that, for me, if I did not have a mental illness - or even one that is not as severe - all those times that I laugh hysterically, I would probably learn to replace those times with actually being productive and achieving something of value. And this is NOT a matter of "laziness", as seen in a lot of people. This is COMPLETELY DIFFERENT. People with Schizophrenia are often mistaken as being lazy or unwilling to better their lives, when this is NOT THE CASE. I know I am posting on a Bipolar Disorder forum, and that I have been diagnosed with Schizophrenia, but I suspect that I also have Bipolar - which accounts for my laughing "spells". I just felt that the original topic of this thread was more suitable for this forum, and (perhaps?) not the Schizophrenia forum.

Hi jonas.

I think that NONs would replace those times with other non-productive things like drinking games, so don't be too hard on yourself. You're not lazy. The laughing is termed inappropriate affect and is a part of the Schizophrenia you've been diagnosed with. I enjoy studying myself. What are you studying?

Well, my cognition is abysmal A LOT of the time, so I really don't study that much - at all. When I do "study", I pretty much just memorize random things, like vocabulary definitions or mathematical formulas. My cognitive symptoms, at least in the past, have been (and/or still are?) EXTREMELY severe. When I am feeling this way, and if I try to study anyway, it does not matter how many times I repeat one thing/sentence - I do not retain any of it. It's not like studying is more difficult for me - it is a complete absence/inability/lack thereof. I think the rapport between my will and my thoughts/actions has been completely omitted - at least a lot of the time it is. I have heard that Schizophrenia is a complete breakdown in the relationship between one's thoughts, emotions, and behavior. However, I think there is a fourth component to that concept - the will.

I am currently not studying anything. My mental ability is pathetic. I have been disabled for quite some time.

I understand that, yeah. What is your opinion on the meds you're currently taking? Are you getting any relief from them?

Well, I am currently trying to reduce the dosage that I am on. I am on 10mg of Zyprexa. I feel that I should reduce it because, for me, it is anti-discipline. It is making me not disciplined in my personal life. By 'disciplined', I mean self-control. I know this for a fact because back when I was on a lower dose, I was much more disciplined. I believe in God and the words of Christ. I know this is not going to resonate well with many people, but I believe that Christ said to remove whatever causes one's bad habits. In my case, my bad habits are eating poorly and not being disciplined in general. My goal is to reduce the medication that I am on so that I will eat only raw vegetables and fruits, including potatoes and avocados for macronutrients, and drink only the purest water available. My other goal is to be completely celibate. And when I say "completely celibate", I mean COMPLETELY celibate. This literally means disciplining myself to never have any sexual thoughts, feelings, or sensations whatsoever - zero. I know this is possible because that is what I did for two and a half years straight starting when I was 19 years old. And this isn't even that big of a deal. Heck, there are things that take A LOT more discipline than that!

Being disciplined is a good goal. I can understand how the Zyprexa would make it harder. What would take more discipline though, fulfilling your goals the easy way without the Zyprexa, or fulfilling them the harder way with the Zyprexa? If Christ is calling you to live a more disciplined life do you think he may be calling you to take the high road with the Zyprexa?

And always remember:

For a righteous man falls seven times, and rises again - Proverbs 24:16

(It means that it's ok to come up short on a goal as long as you get back up and continue to work on it.)

The Zyprexa does not make it more difficult for me; it makes it impossible (literally) for me. I believe that there is a teaching by Christ that directly applies to me, and maybe others. He said to divest oneself of whatever causes one's sinfulness/bad habits/lack of discipline, etc. He said that because he knew, at least for some people, that they will never rid themselves of their bad habits unless they remove the cause. I have done A LOT of analyzing on myself, and finally figured out/realized that it's the medication that's causing my bad habits/sinfulness. When you think about it, leading a righteous life is really leading a disciplined life. Think about it. Christ had to discipline himself to resist satan; he had to discipline himself to fast in the desert for forty days and nights, in preparation for his public ministry, which also required discipline. And when he sacrificed his life for humankind on the cross - and then descended into hell for three days to completely conquer satan in the deepest level of hell - that also required discipline. When he displayed his most profound love for humankind on the cross - that also took discipline. I don't know what's going to happen in my life; all I can do is take the first step. One step at a time...

Oh, and it would not be easy to reduce my medication; I have done it before and found it quite painful/strenuous/taxing for me to go though.

Are you sure it's impossible with the Zyprexa? I was under the impression that "Everything was possible for one who believes." - Mark 9:23

Do you feel guilty when you aren't disciplined? You don't need to be. Think of it as a journey. You might not be where you want to be right now, but tomorrow you'll be closer. And whatever you do, whatever thoughts you have, it won't change the fact that you're inherently valued.

When you say you're trying to reduce the dosage that you're on, are you skipping dosages?

Really? So it was possible for Christ to do all of those great things that he did without being filled with the Holy Spirit? The "things" I am referring to are: 1.) fasting in the desert for forty days and nights (which the Bible explicitly says he was filled with the Holy Spirit before and during that test from God); 2.) Allowing himself to be crucified for the sake of humankind (which he also was filled with the Holy Spirit for the entire duration - except for the very end right before he died); and we don't really know much about when he descended into Hell if he was filled with the Spirit or not. He probably was though.

Anyway, my point is that me not removing the cause of my bad habits/sinfulness is like Christ doing all of those paramount things that he did without being filled with the Holy Spirit, which he did not do without being filled with the Spirit of God.

-- Thu Jul 03, 2014 1:50 am --

I'm not skipping any dosages. I haven't skipped a single dose in almost seven straight years. Of course, the amount of each dosage has been variable over the years. I don't really care, though, if it's "better" for me to be on a higher dose for a very long time. I already know that all it does is corrupt me.

Laughing hysterically for long periods of time? I wish i could have that