My story and today's discovery

Hi guys!

Letting you know what kind of conclusions I made today. They sound pretty logic to me now.

WHY am I experiencing these mental problems? Well...I do think this is connected to my personality. The thing that made me think in this way was a statement my mother made yesterday, when saying, my sister doesn't feel it's the right thing for me to take medications, since they surely can't do you no good. Well....I do agree with her. Meds tend to make you...well...not quite yourself I'd say.

But when thinking about my life for the last few years and the way I've changed, I can see this problems of mine were just a volcano, waiting to explode. Let me share my story with you and the fact that this cyclothimia of mine actually makes sense.

Even before I had my 1st panic attack I experienced strong moods, strong sense of love, hate, anger, irritability and bursting into tears (with a reason but still). I felt everything very strong.
Together with that I can say that I began to be afraid of changes. Not all changes, but like for example, if I knew that I'd had to go somewhere with a person or group of people with whom I don't feel very relaxed, I began to get scared and felt anxiety, not a strong one, but defenetly nervousness.

Then I had panic attack, went on SSRI and felt amazingly relaxed, chilled out and confident. Of course I didn't know that was unnatural and not the picture of who I really was.

Then when my problems really started to show with my extreme mood shifts and anxiety and depression (small one but still) I realized there was something wrong. Fortunally after a lot of suffering, I got my Lamictal. But then...what am I experiencing now?

I am still scared of changes, knowing that they will provoke anxiety inside me. THe change between then and now is, that I also feel anxiety when with my family, who I love and always felt relaxed with them. So any kind of change triggers anxiety in me. True, I am during my period now and everything is really messed up when in my PMS and during my period as well.

Also I am not feeling like going into something new. I used to love travelling, now I have no desire to go anywhere. I started to live a dull life in which I am not happy. All the energy and motivation went away. I can say that my mood's aren't all over the place like they were before.

Now I just feel flat. I want to feel flat, looking at things which I used to love, and I feel nothing while doing them. I presume that is the reason I'll try Abilify as well.

WHY am I telling you all this? Well at my last pdoc's appointment my pdoc said this doesn't mean you'll have to take meds all your life. And I said well what do I have to do not to eat them?

She said, go to bed every day at the same time, eat regulary and stop being afraid of changes. And both, myself and my BF (who was with me at my pdoc's) said out of a blue, I am not afraid of changes nor I ever was. But is that true? I actually realized today that that isn't true at all.

Remember me writing that I felt anxiety even before my 1st panic attakcs? Well...that's just the thing. I only felt relaxed with my family. If I was with my BF's family I felt anxiety. Well now things went this far that I feel anxiety at normal stuff. I am afraid to go to my BF's flat for a visit....HORRIBLE!

I cannot wait to tell all this to my pdoc....cus feeling nervous at big events or before going on a holiday, like feeling adrenaline, is normal. But being afraid of everything lately and not really feeling any emotions (except irritability and hollowness and anxiety) surely isn't what I want.

I pray that anxiety will go away, that I'll get that energy for things I used to love back. I am really feeling flat and sad of course, cus I see now, that (like I wrote abowe) this was a volcano, waiting to burst out.

THANK YOU if you read all of my LONG post...I do hope to get some response.

Be good

Sounds like you have been doing a lot of thinking about things. In my opinion I think meds are needed to manage my bipolar or else I get very ill but everyone is different and ppl do manage BP off meds. you have to do what is right for you in the end - I do believe tho that coming off meds and being med free needs to be managed by a Dr in case something goes wrong and re the meds for your safety. Hope you are able to find the best way for you to live your life having BP but not being it- that is so important.

Huge hugs

Cracked

Sometimes people write really long stories here.
I think writing down our whole story or a significant part of our story helps us understand ourselves and organize our thoughts.

Some people write pages and pages when they journal. Others use the forum here to write it all down, and get it all out.

I believe the process of writing helps us gain new insight into ourselves.

Thanks for writing. I hope it helped.
Do you know what you are going to do differently?

Don't worry. Your post was not too long.

Take care,