Taking Medication

Lately I've had difficulty willing myself to take my medications. I recently switched to taking them at night because the increase in lamictal made me tired. However, I've lost the ability to make myself take them. I mean, I'm pretty stable right now and most nights I can't find a reason to take them.

The other thing is, I don't want to take them. I don't want to need medication to allow me to function. I don't want to be mentally ill. I'm sick of it. There's this girl with whom I am extremely competitive with. I know it's unhealthy to compare myself with another person like I do, but I've always been obsessed with being perfect. As in, if I make one mistake (such as shouting out the wrong answer in class) I become so angry with myself that I immediately look for ways to self harm as a sort of punishment for not being good enough. Well, anyway, this girl is insanely smart, funny, intelligent, absolutely gorgeous (and she doesn't even wear makeup!!), and she's skinny too. She has everything going for her. And me? I have to take medication to even function. How embarrassing. I'm not very open about my disorders with people. On top of that, my medications have even made me gain weight. This is not good.

So I guess, the short of the long of it is does anyone else have problems taking their meds? If so, how do you handle it?

Thanks!

nerdgirl wrote: I'm pretty stable right now and most nights I can't find a reason to take them.

Question: is the reason you are stable most likely because you are taking them? I might be missing details, but you clearly said that the increase in your lamictal made you tired... and then said you've been feeling so stable you don't even feel you need to take them. I see a link there. Isn't that a sign that taking them is working?
I, like you...

nerdgirl wrote:don't want to take them. I don't want to need medication to allow me to function. I don't want to be mentally ill. I'm sick of it.

That is precisely the reason I stopped taking all my meds. As you'll see in my signature, I quit taking all meds "cold turkey" on Jan 1, 2014 and have been in an absolutely dreadful mixed-episode-hell for 6 months now, whereas before my episode were experienced separately.
Let me be crystal clear: for me, stopping my meds to satisfy my idealistic beliefs and it totally backfired on me. I would not wish this hell on anyone. My opinion has been forever jaded on the whole "natural approach." It's not working well for me at all. I am surviving, not living.
Ask yourself if you are willing to sacrifice your stability to risk possibly going to a much worse condition.
P.S. if it's any consolation, you literally could have been describing me when you described the girl that's

nerdgirl wrote:...insanely smart, funny, intelligent, absolutely gorgeous (and she doesn't even wear makeup!!), and she's skinny too.

Ok seriously, I'm totally not that arrogant and don't think I'm gorgeous by any means, but when you're thin and manic, wearing cute clothes/shoes/jewelry (that you couldn't afford but bought on a manic spree) and that manic charm is flowing, people perceive you as pretty & witty & intelligent even when you're truly plain & ordinary. But my point is, looks and even intelligence don't necessarily mean that a girl's got everything going for her. It sure doesn't for me. My whole life's been a trainwreck, I never finished college, and literally can't even hold down a job. Things aren't always what they seem. So now we gotta find a way to accept ourselves as we are, reassess in our expectations in life, and decide whether that means living stable on meds or unstable without. Period.
Jeez I sound so harsh, sorry. I've had a rough day/week/month/year/life. I meant well, really!

nerdgirl, you might be surprised if you could somehow read "the skinny girl"'s mind and find out how she really feels about herself. I don't know how old you are -- I'm 37 and I have learned that the best looking people who seem to have the best lives are often the most unhappy, confused and shy individuals.

Hi,

I'd be surprised if there are many people out there (not only with bipolar but also with other chronic illnesses) who don't wrestle with this from time to time. For me, the urge to ditch the medication particularly comes with (hypo)mania.

I often feel the weight of how unfair it seems that I have to commit to taking medication long-term and suffer through the side effects, but what keeps me doing it, in all honesty, is the fear of what would happen if I didn't...

It might be uncomfortable, but perhaps you could remind yourself of what your episodes feel like and what they do to you and others around you? This is not to depress you, but just to remind you of the fact we're dealing with a serious illness. By skipping your prescribed medication, you make the chance of relapse much higher. I'm not pretending this is easy, but I see it as a responsible choice and part of facing up to managing my bipolar.

By the way, I'm also naturally a perfectionist, and highly self critical with a fierce competitive streak. Even though I know it's doing me no favours, it's a difficult pattern to get out of. I wonder if you have access to therapy of any kind? I'm doing CBT at the moment, and I think it can help to slowly shift these thought patterns and might help with medication compliance too.

Hope this helps and take care of yourself x

Hi Nerdgirl,

I just wanted to tell you that I understand how you feel. Right now I am beating myself up because the Paxil I take is making me gain weight back. (I went off it *I highly do not recommend doing that as the withdrawal is horrendously hideous!*) It took me a month to get off it and I started losing the weight. On the flipside, I started crying spontaneously everywhere I went. I couldn't watch tv, I couldn't hear anyone say anything sentimental, I couldn't hear about the horrors out in the world without bursting into tears like a fountain.

I talked to my doctor and she said we should try Zoloft and when that didn't work, we tried Celexa, which again, did not work. The crying jags continued. Finally, after much internal debate, and going through so much anguish, I told my doc that I wanted to go back on Paxil. After a few weeks on it, the crying jags completely stopped. I felt like "myself" again. No more depression or crying. Unfortunately, my weight loss stopped. :/ I hate that but Paxil is the only thing that stopped the crying. I have a love/hate relationship with it. All I know is that there is no way I would be able to hold down my job if I kept crying like that all the time.

Please try not to compare yourself to others. You seem like such a nice and bright person. I'm sure you are a quality person to know. Just do what I do. When you see someone you are tempted to compare yourself to, just think to yourself, there is no way that person could handle HALF of what I've been through. You are strong. It seems like all the people I've met with bipolar are very tough individuals. Hell, we have to be. Good luck and sending warm wishes your way!

Yeah, medication sucks. And going around it is terrible. But it's the best humanity can do, right now. ECT can be a longer solution *for some*. But I prefer sticking with my regime of medications and natural supplements. Medications CAN BE fine tuned, though. I don't know if you really "break with reality" when manic, but if you don't, you could try reducing dosages here and there. That's what I do. But I'm just a C-PTSD, OCD and anxiety sufferer, I don't risk being unable to stabilize myself when off meds.
I also get revolted for needing medication to function, though. But I also enjoy using medication and supplements to gain advantages.


Luckily we have an arsenal of different meds and supplements to try nowadays.

And also, you seem young, and at your age medication and medical treatments aren't very common amongst your peers. But trust me, when you're nearing 30 or above it, most of your friends will be on medications, physical therapy, seeing therapists, taking special precautions with diets, etc.. And gets worse as we age.


You're competing with someone and that's normal. Everyone does it. And should, in my opinion.
But don't let competition turn into feelings of inferiority and make you hate yourself or the person.
Use competition for it's natural purpose: to look up to someone you consider a match, or a threat for a common goal, and use your observation of this person's to learn her best characteristics, and improve yourself to gain advantages.

Low self esteem can get you into dark places, but the most obvious advices holds true: Worry about yourself and improve yourself, then good things will follow. Right now as we speak someone is making millions of dollars or winning the world cup, that someone isn't me, but I don't mind. I have my goals, troubles, limitations, opportunities and areas where I shine and exceed on. Nobody really chooses to be who they are, some people are luckier.

Don't feed self pity and hatred for too long, and don't project that upon other people. A lot of young folk do that and only make things worse by failig to focus on who it really matters: themselves.

I'm pretty stable right now and most nights I can't find a reason to take them.

As difficult as it is to accept meds as a daily ritual, I'm thinking you've said enough by stating you're stable. Everyone I know with bipolar reached a point where you are, but it's the meds that make you stable, so stopping them doesn't make a whole lot of sense. But maybe this is part of the process, this test to see if one needs meds or not. I'm not advocating that you stop, but maybe it's what you need to do to learn the difference between your well-medicated and an unmedicated state?

Your resistance to accepting your new, medicated reality makes total sense. Who would prefer to need a pill for stability, over being pill-free!

About being competitive...I'd feel the same way as you've described. Nothing to do but find great things about yourself and focus on yourself and the class. I'd bet you're as pretty as she is. The weight gain thing sucks and I can't help there, just know that there are non-gainer meds available and this is a valid concern to discuss with your Pdoc. Mine is very cognizant of the weight issue (I can't tolerate weight gain...I will stop leaving the house if I put on too much), and she works hard to help me avoid it, thankfully. I have an awesome Pdoc though, maybe not all are as concerned.

And that skinny girl...she may be loaded to the gills with meds, you never know! Perhaps she takes more than you do;)