Just Started Dating A Man With Bipolar

Hi everyone!

I am 25 years old, and have known a man with bipolar disorder a little over a year. We were online buddies, and would talk frequently about our lives and his disorder included. We finally met up for a first date. We had a wonderful first date, and I think it helped that I am so aware of his disorder. He told me that recently his psychiatrist recommended that he increase his dosage because his personality was becoming more and more "cartoon character" (as his psychiatrist described it.)

Our first date he talked about how much his mom would like me if she met me, said "I think I love you" and said "I want to marry your family." I felt as if she was probably a little manic, but I have known him a long time so I felt okay about it. We snuggled for hours and had a really lovely time. Afterwards he followed up with many text messages and hearts and a genuine interest in me.

We spent time together again, and he compared us to a romantic couple in a movie we watched and wanted to have philosophical conversation and held me tightly all night long. The next day I was spending the day with my grandmother and he even mentioned getting a ride with me so he could spend more time with me.

2 days later, something shifted. He was acting different. Not cold, but not flirtacious and one-wordy. He didn't contact me for 2 days. He had told me in the past that he struggled in relationships because he accidentally triggered girls confusion and they began to mistake the confusion for feelings, but he was really a worthless maze. I confronted him and told him that I liked him, and wanted to know if he liked me because I didn't want to play games and I didn't want to be like the other girls. I told him that I didn't mistake confused feelings for feelings of infatuation, I just became genuinely annoyed.

He told me he did like me, but then made absolutely no sense with the things he said. He told me he felt like I was proposing marriage to him, (jokingly) and that he never promised me monogamy and that he was trying to keep things casual because he knew I may be moving. Then he started making even less sense, asking "what my intentions were with him, and if I intended to marry him."

He ended up ending our conversation by saying he wanted to snuggle me and asked if I wanted snuggles. I said I always wanted snuggles. He said good. The next day he contacted me, but told me he was feeling blue because he was stuck inside doing work on a gorgeous day and then nothing else for the rest of the day, nothing today.

I do like this man, and appreciate him for what he is. I have known him a very long time and know that he has struggled in relationships. Right now, I am having a hard time navigating because I can't tell if he no longer likes me and I'm not taking the hint, or if he is going through a depressed phase and could use my help. I know he has been severely depressed in the past, and has gone through manic phases with excessive drug use which is how he was initially diagnosed. He is currently taking 3 valproic acid nightly and apparently increasing his dose. I am afraid I overwhelmed him with my conversation, as I know he becomes easily overwhelmed.

Does anyone have any advice on how to proceed in this situation? Anything would be incredibly helpful. Thank you so much, and light and blessings to you all.

Hi Gravity1.
I just spent an hour pouring compassion and understanding into a long answer to you.
When I hit send, I had to log on again and lost my whole reply! I can't just start again.

As a man with bipolar, my emotions run hot and cold, bitter/sweet, topsy-turvy and this is both frustrating and unfair to the ladies I meet. Getting to know someone new is exciting, fresh, romantic and wonderful. Unfortunately it triggers hypomania which makes me charming, outgoing and vulnerable to an intimate but temporary high.

My feelings are really off again, on again. It is hard and confusing for me. It must be dreadful for the lady who is subject of my attention.

My advice is to do things together in public and cool down the romantic stuff for the present. Go out for coffee, the movies or dinner, and have walks in the park. Do everyday things together like wash the car.

Take things slowly. You have a lifetime to be together, but if things don't work out, you will be better prepared to accept it.

Take care,

I think relationships can be a bit of a maze because they tend to be up and down with or without BP. There tends to be the "honeymoon phase" followed by some form of leveling out.

In my past, prior to having my first episode, my relationships tended to have a very intense honeymoon phase and then I just lost interest after about 6 months. But then after the breakups, I became very depressed. I think that was because the relationship defined me so much that when it ended, I lost a sense of who I was.

I haven't had a relationship since my first episode (3 years ago, brutal ) but when I do, I hope that I can be connected without becoming enmeshed. My advice would be to keep a look out for that, although it is not exclusively bipolar related.

P.S. this link has a bit more on enmeshed relationships if you are curious: http://psychcentral.com/lib/tips-on-set ... s/00017840

Oh gosh, bipolar is just so difficult to live with, for everyone involved.
I am Bipolar I, and unbelievably I have a wonderful relationship for the first time in my life. I love this man so much, he has been so compassionate and understanding, and I know I will spend the rest of my life with him.
But I woke up this morning and did not want him to touch me, talk to me, or come anywhere near me. I didn't even want him in the same house, and couldn't wait for him to go to work. But I know in my head that these feelings are not true and that they will pass, even though they are tremendously strong feelings. So strong that I struggle to suppress these feeling until they go away, and I struggle not to let it show, or to keep my voice pleasant.
But the more manic I am, sometimes lose that ability to filter my feelings and thoughts. Later, if I remember it, I will most likely apologize sincerely for my behavior, but sometimes I don't think I'm even aware I offended anyone.
Having any kind of relationship with this man would probably to require immense patience and tolerance on your part, and there is no guarantee that you will get anything more than a broken heart one hell of a Bipolar coaster ride. On the other hand, if he is willing to work with you on learning some new behaviors and skills, it could work out.
I'm not gonna lie, this is going to be dramatically painful and difficult for you. It may be wise to observe his fluctuating phases more closely for a year or so before you get any kind of idea of what it would really like to be in a relationship with him. Everything he ever says will change, and it will not be his fault. Take it slow, protect your heart, and prepare yourself for some Radical Acceptance.

-- Tue Jun 24, 2014 9:54 pm --

P.S. maybe find out if there is a bipolar support group in your area. Could be very good for you to go several times alone, and really really good for the two of you to go together.
P.S.S. Don't freak out on the not txting back... sometimes I can't return calls or msgs for literally weeks on end. It's nothing personal at all, I simply cannot function how other people typically function.

Hey there,

As someone who has dealt with bipolar II for a little over 10 years now, I'm not entirely sure what I can offer here but I figured being the first time active in any forum of this nature, I need to start somewhere.

Your date mentioned seeing a psychiatrist (standard) and having his dosage upped (standard). You have to take into consideration when that is mentioned, the increase of dosage, that there is still work to be done before there's hope of his maximum or capable (so to speak) level of functioning. I've often found in people who are medicated and bipolar (I or II) and through my own experiences that when their treatments are effective, there are not too many quick switches from the mania to depressive side. Yes, bouts of mania will occur occasionally (I'm now operating at a once every 4-6 month pace, something I can definitely live with) and bouts of depression may happen. They shouldn't last too long though unless it's a life event that would floor the average human being. Even with personality, it can sometimes be a paradox overall but dropping off the radar for two days after a strange but endearing experience seems odd.

If you think he's sincere about his intentions and wanting to be with you, stick around and see how the change in medication affects him if you can and think maybe the genuine side of him is worth it. It might take a couple weeks. If it's been roughly 6 weeks and nothing for him as changed as you can tell, I'd say recommend seeing his psychiatrist again if he's not already due for a med check and inquire about another dosage (or med) change. One thing I noticed in my dating life is that someone who accepts you as someone that's afflicted with this, particularly someone who wants to be active in helping them become a better person, has their heart in the right place. There's a balance that does exist in those that deal with it when properly medicated. It's not too high nor too low most of the time. It's not too terribly different from unipolar depression in regards to being able to tell whether or not treatment is working or possibly could use more work but obviously this forum exists for a reason in its own right.

If this offers any intel at all from a very self-aware person who has the disorder, I've noticed over the years going from a very shy, yet caring, person to a very high paced, at times loud when I'm having a good time, almost domineering (and still very caring and wanting to help) personality in regards to when I'm engaged in almost anything. If I'm not engaged, I'm sincerely one of the more laid back people you'd ever meet. Hence the paradoxical approach of what happens at times. Your brain, even when treated, operates at an at times frantic pace and it's up to the person who's afflicted by it to use extra caution with their filter to make sure nothing absurd/offensive/etc is said. The thought may occur, that doesn't mean it has to be said to anyone unless you trust them with your lives.

Maybe I'm a bit oblivious to this all as I'm new to this forum, I'm just really now beginning to read books about the disorder beyond what I learned as a psychology major. I have more life experience than any book could ever teach me. If anyone reading this disagrees with or feels I'm wrong, by all means offer a dissenting a view.

The way I see it overall is, if someone is bipolar, they're actively seeking treatment, and you're comfortable with that idea, you should give them a shot if what you feel seems pretty right. There's a lot of kinks that need ironed out at times with dosage changes. When you're at the right combination of medication/dosages, a kink may show up here and there, but admittedly for me it's maybe a once every 8 month-1 year experience at worst. A 20mg increase in a mood stabilizer can change you from isolated to seeking attention and as I noted prior there's a balance that needs to be struck to be living an optimal life. That said, if you believe in him and you think you can help him become optimal (which includes him being open about your suggestions and feedback), then you've got not much to lose and quite a lot to gain.

Good luck with everything.

Go with the flow, do what feels right.

I am a man with bipolar 1. I know that I am a difficult man to be in a relationship with. I run hot and cold depending on the week or the day or even by the hour. I also know I’ve put my two ex-wives and several girl friends through hell. Love was not the problem, I loved them all very much and they loved me. I was the problem…my disorder was the problem. Being in a relationship with me is an exercise in “sticking it out”…if I’m distant and cold today I might be a total snuggle bunny tomorrow…you just have to be able to wait out the bad times because the good times are worth it. And I guess that’s my advise…weigh the good times and the bad and decide whether or not you can wait out the bad times. You have to be able to recognize his moods and behaviors and be able to give him space when he needs it and to hold him close when he needs it. Just my perspective and my experience…for what it’s worth.

Hope things work out

D