Bipolar | A gift, or a gift disguised as a curse...?

I have had a love and hate relationship with bipolar for just over a decade, and for much of this time I have been led to believe is was a curse for I feared the high because of the lows, and then the lows in themselves..

But;

What I realised whilst sitting in the Dalai Lama's temple in McLeod Ganj, India was that because of my fear, I could not progress.

...If fear stops love and also breeds hate, then stopping our fears - can only lead to love. To that end, perhaps our greatest battle is not that of love and hate, but that of conquering our fears...

To that effect, I began to overcome my fear and realised the possibilities.

It then became a gift disguised as a curse.

What do you think...?

you have addressed one fear, the fear of the highs and the lows. Are there any other fears?

Not sure I'd call it a gift. I've lost almost everything I have to this illness. I fear the highs most because I don't recognise them as highs, until it's all over and I have to deal with the fallout of my irrational, impulsive decisions. I fear the lows because of the apathy and the negativity that corrodes my relationships and limits my life experiences.

The only gift for me are those earlier stages of (hypo)mania where I feel like the best possible version of myself. I write, I love, I'm productive and positive, but it's nothing but a mirage is it? That train usually keeps gathering pace until it derails and crashes in a ball of flames.

I used to have a love/hate relationship with this illness. But as my peaks and troughs have become more severe and enduring and I've kept destroying my life under its shadow, I have grown to loathe it vehemently.

Daljit87 wrote:Not sure I'd call it a gift. I've lost almost everything I have to this illness. I fear the highs most because I don't recognise them as highs, until it's all over and I have to deal with the fallout of my irrational, impulsive decisions. I fear the lows because of the apathy and the negativity that corrodes my relationships and limits my life experiences.

The only gift for me are those earlier stages of (hypo)mania where I feel like the best possible version of myself. I write, I love, I'm productive and positive, but it's nothing but a mirage is it? That train usually keeps gathering pace until it derails and crashes in a ball of flames.

I used to have a love/hate relationship with this illness. But as my peaks and troughs have become more severe and enduring and I've kept destroying my life under its shadow, I have grown to loathe it vehemently.

Wow, well said. You have me in tears over here. I cannot add anything more. Thank you for putting it so well.

"The gifts that come with bipolar sacrifice the individual for the benefit of mankind." Think of some famous people with bipolar: monroe, woolfe, van gogh, all of whom had rather grim endings.

I would say its a gift in the sense that it has made me see the world for what it truly is. It has made me more intelligent and open-minded. If I wasn't bipolar I feel id be less of an individual. I like being an individual, I don't want to be like everyone else. The highs we feel are unexplainable to anybody who has never experienced mania. I wish hypomania could last everyday for the rest of my life, Id be a millionare.

And because you cant live while manic is the reason this is a curse. The crash is too much. It's not a gift nor a gift disguised. I would much rather be normal, then experience the trauma Ive been through. It has slowed me down so much. Dropping out of school twice. my parents have put up with so much.
I don't go through life looking at it as a gift in any way.

I go through life with the attitude that it doesn't affect me in any way.

I can't quite think of it as a gift, but as a challenge... with maybe a few gifts and a handful of curses that come along with it.
What I wonder, is how much of my disorder is affected by the expectations of our modern society? I find myself easily triggered into one state or another by various stressors, like deadlines and due dates and the impossibly regimented cycle of work schedules, weekly workouts, shopping, errands, monthly bills & payments, all on this precariously balanced clockwork of strictly timed processes and procedures. Ugh!
I prefer the more gentle yet powerful rhythms of nature: day becomes night, the moon waxes and wanes, the earth tilts on it's axis and the seasons change, yet one winter may be severe and the very next year more mild. Even the amount of daylight in a 24 hour period changes from winter to summer... but the rhythms of society do not change along with nature. We are still expected to work 8 hour days whether it is dark outside or light, rather than adjusting our schedules to match the seasons.
I kind of see bipolar phases as being like the changing of the seasons, with the added "gumball machine factor" ~ you just never know what color (season) your going to get, in any order, at any time. "Here's a manic state. Here's a depressive phase. Now here's a mixed episode for ya."
How different would my disorder be if I were not burdened by the expectations of society to get a higher degree, get a better J.O.B., and spend my life grinding away each day to earn enough money for a house, a car, a wedding, a baby, a bigger house, another car, a boat, ad infinitum...
Without those things my list of stressors would be cut in half, if not more. I keep thinking of the opening sequence in the pilot of Portlandia, where they're talking about how the people have no real occupations to speak of, they retire in their 20's and work a couple hours a week at a local coffee shop and just hang out. I'm way past my 20's, but if I have to live with Bipolar forever, I could love a low-stress life like that, LOL!

We can think of and experience bipolar as mystical and poetic, as a curse, or as something all together different. To me, it is all of those things, and non of those things.
It is how I'm experiencing it in the moment.

I think I'm happiest when I just accept it, without judgment. Bipolar just is.

Today I bought the first cherries of the season.
Deep red, bursting with flavor and juice until it runs down my chin.
I am not thinking about bipolar right now. My mind is full of cherries.

Most things conclude in a perspective. I used to hate my bi polar when i was depressed, but i found my own way of functioning with it now and i am glad i have it. I have been diagnosed by 4-6 psychiatrists as bipolar1 and i am absolutely certain i have it.

All things that would seem truly beautiful can be immensely negative when viewed in certain positions. Having the most beautiful lover in existence would mean you will always be dealing with other people wanting your mate. Being a successful musician comes with immense pressure , spotlight, and burdening responsibilities. Having millions of dollars means you will always have certain people wanting your company solely for the ability to be by your resource


Many things that would seem immensely negative can be gifts if seen from another perspective. A abusive relationship can turn into strength to help others abused, a fall out with a friend can lead to an even better friend circle then you imagined, losing your job can mean you may find a better one.

i recall reading a book by a psychologist about the concept of "thriving". Thriving was a concept he described that was immense satisfaction with life and emerging with your passions. this concept was predicated off of a response of trauma. He didn't say this deep satisfaction of life came with things going well, he described it coming after the most paralyzing experiences of your life.

skilsaw wrote:I think I'm happiest when I just accept it, without judgment. Bipolar just is.

Today I bought the first cherries of the season.
Deep red, bursting with flavor and juice until it runs down my chin.
I am not thinking about bipolar right now. My mind is full of cherries.

Nice post Skilsaw - I really love the ideas of mindfulness, of living in the moment, rather than being tormented by one's past or overwhelmed with anxiety at one's future. And I also like cherries.

I think that considering Bipolar to be a curse is a form of self pity, and self pity is such an utter waste of time as it accomplishes nothing and exacerbates feelings of depression leading to a cycle of self-loathing and despair. I don't think that it is possible to separate one's self from one's mental problems. One's mental problems are as much a part of one's identity as the "good" parts.

Wishing for a life without mental illness is pointless and self-destructive. One must simply live one day at a time. Some days are good, some days are awful, time passes on...