Losing Hope

hi, my name is kalee. I am 24 and was diagnosed with bipolar 1 with psychosis when I was 18. prior to that I was misdiagnosed at age 13 with major depression. I also have PTSD and general anxiety disorder. I've been a mental health patient for 11yrs now, and hav been on COUNTLESS number of medications. I'm losing hope of ever feeling well. I hav a month of stability and then this start crashing down around me. my last bipolar cycle was march-may. I became depressed and then manic and when the mania hit I was given 16 mg of haldol in tab form to arrest the mania but that did not work so they put me on depakote. I'm taking several other psychiatric drugs as well. after i started the 16 mg of haldol, which I only took for a couple of days (so I stopped taking it almost 2 months ago), I started getting full body tremors and they hav not gone away. I've never experienced as bad, well annoying, side effect from any drug like this. but that's not the issue. or maybe its part of the issue.
my issue is that I've been struggling for 11yrs and I'm so done with it. my brain is sick and my mind is sicker. the way I think about things- like when I get stressed I decomp BAD. idk if that is normal for people with bipolar, like for somethings to trigger episodes? idk. I'm losing hope. and everyone around me is getting tired. I want to fix me but i dont kno how. the only two things I don't do so well as far as self care for bipolars is exercise and eating right. I don't have enough money to eat 3 meals a day so i only end up eating one. and my life is pretty lack of exercise (which im trying to get better at).
I need hope. has ne one been on medication after medication and not found any thing that works and if so what did do then?
they say its normal to have to try different meds and combos of meds before getting the right one...but my doc is running out of options/meds to try and im just plain running out of hope.
I need help.
I need identification.
I need empathy.
I need someone who understands.

please someone...

Hi Kalee,

I’m sorry you’re going through such a hard time right now…but you can’t lose hope. Getting on the right meds and finding the magic “cocktail” is certainly a process. I have been struggling to find the right combo of meds myself. I have some hope that today, when I see my pdoc, that he will have some magic pill that will make me feel “well” again…we’ll see.

You can get help, identification, empathy and understanding here in the forum. Keep writing. Keep venting. Keep asking questions. The people here are amazing…even if it’s just to listen.

Take care,

D

hi Kalee

Welcome to the forum

I am so sorry to hear how much you are struggling but I wanted to say please dont give up hope. I have been where you are. I was ignored and then misdiagnosed for years (since childhood which is when I first started getting symptoms). When I was diagnosed it took many years and hospital admissions to find the right medications for me. I still have some episodes (primarily mild highs or occasionally a mixed state) but I am way better than I was (florid mania, psychosis and suicidal depression). You can find the right thing for you and things can get better - please dont lose hope. Thinking of you -I know it is tough. I also struggle to eat right due to money issues - hugs.

Take good care of yourself. more hugs

Cracked

thankyou for the replies crubba67 and crackedgirl. its so beyond comforting to kno I'm not alone.

-- Wed Jun 18, 2014 9:11 am --

thankyou for the replies crubba67 and crackedgirl. its so beyond comforting to kno I'm not alone.

You are def not alone

Hugs

Cracked

Oh my gosh hon, you have been through so much, and from such an early age, it is no wonder you are struggling. ANYONE who has been through as much as you have would be feeling the way you feel.
When I have ANY kind of stressor I decomp pretty bad too. I've been paying attention and I'm learning more and more what triggers me, not just the big stress, but little things too, for example; any kind of pain, being too cold or too hot, background noise for a length of time, like a TV, radio, or a dog barking, getting too hungry, stores like walmart, crowds of people... sometimes a door will slam and I will literally feel like a jet engine just started up in my chest.
I think I was doing better when I was eating really well, taking vitamins and exercising, but then sometimes I wonder if I was able to do all those things BECAUSE I was doing better? Or is that just my self doubt talking? IDK! But I hear your frustration though, that even if eating more regularly would help, how would you afford it anyway? Maybe you could just start eating ramen noodles as your second meal every day, it's not health food, but its cheap, lol. I'm trying to get back into the routine of walking daily, but ugh, even forcing myself to do that is such a chore sometimes. I just give myself another day and try again.
I know it's so hard to deal with the hopelessness, and there is nothing anyone can say that takes it away, so I try to look at my episodes like seasons, and when it's a bad one it seems like a long hard winter (i hate winter) and even though it's not really the same as hope, I just keep telling myself that the next season will come... that's the one thing I can always count on with my bipolar anyway ~ the episode will always change sooner or later. I just don't know when it will change... or what "season" or mood will come next... but I always eventually get through.
I hope you will be able to find a combination of meds that works for you. Keep trying, because our bodies keep changing anyway, so you might end up finding the right combo at the right time. Lots of people have to change meds many times in their life, even after something has been working for years and then suddenly its not working anymore. I quit taking meds all together and it has been really hard, and I started having restless leg syndrome when I quit taking everything, which lasted about 4 months. I was just noticing that the RLS hasn't happened at all for weeks now, so maybe there is hope your body tremors could eventually go away too, idk. Hang in there, and be ready to enjoy the good season when it comes.

thankyou crackerjack. I really appreciate your words of encouragement. I don't feel so alone n e more reading all ur replies. truly thankyou.

You are welcome dear ~ I hope you are hanging in there. I know sometimes it's even hard to get online when we're hopelessly depressed, but omg I sure don't feel so alone knowing somebody on this forum can relate to me! I have a place where I belong (here), even when I'm at my worst.

-- Fri Jun 20, 2014 8:47 pm --

You are welcome dear ~ I hope you are hanging in there. I know sometimes it's even hard to get online when we're hopelessly depressed, but omg I sure don't feel so alone knowing somebody on this forum can relate to me! I have a place where I belong (here), even when I'm at my worst.

Don't give up. As others have said, it takes most people a long time to get the proper diagnosis, much less right meds. Once I had genetic testing done, the picture became very clear and we were able to target medications that will work with my body. It made a huge difference. And it proved sound reasoning for all of my failed experiences with meds. Ask your Pdoc about getting tested. I had Genesight testing - it's affordable and Medicare paid for it. Good luck!

Kalee,
Don't give up. Never quit. Never lose hope.
When there is nothing else left, hope can sustain us.

I heard nurse who worked with kids with cancer talk about hope.
It was profound. People with hope live longer and have better lives.

I've felt helpless and beaten. It was worst 16 years ago when my marriage broke up. I'm past that now, living a good life. Well, not quite. I should eat more vegetables and less meat and I should get more exercise. But all of us need a tune up in some part of our lives.

Don't be shy. You can pour your heart out here on the forum. I can't remember ever seeing some of the nastiness there is on other forums. I feel really heard here and understood. I hope you can experience it too.

Never lose hope.

Take care,