Nowhere else to talk about this

So I decided I needed to go to the hospital. I was depressed from many things in my life, and then my doctor basically said that my depression and thus urge to kill myself, was psychological and I needed therapy, not a change in medication. (I have started contacting potential therapists) Basically this added to my depression because I was thinking I was a complete ###$ up; thinking I am really messed up. Anyways, it got so bad I wanted to be in a safe environment at a hospital. I get there, and the doctor basically says that they aren't going to admit me. Since I am on three medications for bipolar disorder, they think there is not much they can do. They didn't want to admit me to allow me to be in a safe environment, because their thinking was to what end? Plus, once I go back into the real world, since the theory is it is psychological, it is just going to go back unless I get therapy.

Now I want to be clear. Everyone is saying I need therapy so I am looking for therapy. It isn't like I am not listening to what they are saying.

However, when a hospital declines you there are a mixture of emotions. One, lack of hope. I always thought I could go to a hospital to get help. Two, decrease in self-esteem. It isn't my brain chemistry that is causing me to want to die, it is my thought patterns. It makes sense. I have struggled with suicide so much, and have attempted multiple times, that it makes sense it isn't a brain chemistry issue. Which in of itself, does not feel good and I do not feel good about myself. This basically adds to my depression. I don't get up until 1 pm, I go to bed at around 10 pm, my hygiene is atrocious, and I don't have the energy or motivation to clean my room.

I have had energy and motivation problems in the past, but this is definitely due to mood.

Has anyone been through something similar to this? Am I on a lot of medication? My medications are:

200 mg Lamictal
900 mg Lithium
180 mg Geodon

Help.

Sorry to hear things are so bad for you at the moment.

Its a serious paradox, as to whether its your brain chemistry or your thought patterns that are responsible for the depression. Both have influence over the other, which leads to a chicken and egg type situation.

It seems to me that, if you're a genuine risk to yourself, you should be in hospital, but I'm assuming your doctor is making this judgement based on your entire medical history, so its not for me to say. However, if you do feel that you're genuinely suicidal, maybe you should see another doctor? It his only his opinion - another doctor might see things differently. The point of being in a hospital is not just to give you the correct medication, its also to monitor you to make sure you're not a threat to yourself.

I hope things get better for you soon.