Mania and what it feels to me

I was recently diagnosed with bipolar 2. As I absorbed the literature on its definition, reading some biographies and asking my Dr questions, my confusion was raised.

I didn't particularly exhibit the classic symptoms. I wasn't entirely grandiose, nor impulsive. Neither did I go on wild spending sprees or engage in sexual activity. I did suffer depression, that part of the picture was clear and not even questionable. I was skeptical of my diagnosis because I was skeptical of what mania meant for me.

However, after a lot of self reflection and then starting a medication routine, I realized a few things. After 4 days on Lithium, it was as though the world suddenly slowed down. My view of the world was quite different. My thought patterns changed. Whereas beforehand, I experienced rapid thinking, various threads of thoughts, subtly related, causing a cacophony of aimless behaviour, scattered, with no real order to my actions. I might start a project, then never finish it. I always had grand ideas of things I couldn't possibly achieve, and then suffer the inevitable frustration and self loathing that I couldn't even start them (much less complete them). My mania is subtle in its outward appearance. I learned early to suppress my speech, for making a fool of myself. I learned early to develop a sense of self dicipline, to prevent doing something horrible or outlandish (things I did quite often as a teenager). Yet this suppression was a drain, a constant tiring routine of life.

I'm still adjusting to meds, but my life has improved in ways I couldn't imagine. Am I still skeptical about the diagnosis? Sure. But I can't argue with how things have improved. I felt this was something I wanted to jot down, as I feel bipolar, like any mental illness is complicated and difficult to relate to self. In my case it fits well with my various life experiences, yet I wish I received help early as I believe it has stunted my growth as a person.

Have a great day everyone.

What a beautiful testamony to the benefit of proper medical care for bipolar disorder!

Thanks for writing!
Take care,

So glad to hear that things are better for you now - that is good news

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