scary thoughts and severe depression *TRIGGER WARNING*

TRIGGER WARNING: IF YOU'RE DEPRESSED OR PSYCHOTIC RIGHT NOW, OR IF READING ABOUT DEPRESSION FEELINGS MIGHT TRIGGER YOU, STOP READING IMMEDIATELY.

Ok, I've never felt like this before, I mean, I have, but this time is very scary. I will not say what my thoughts are for safety reasons, I mean, I don't want to trigger anyone, I don't want anyone to be hurt or something like that.

As some of you probably know, and this is why I'm writing in this forum, I have bipolar disorder and I'm currently on medication (Lamictal 75mg). What's happening right now is that a sudden and violent depression is making me feel horrible, I can't stop crying and shaking. I just need to calm down and talk to someone. My mom's sleeping, but if I wake her up and she sees me in this condition (sweating and crying) she will get scared and I don't want that. So I'm trying to calm down alone, but I don't know how and don't know what to do. First thing I thought was writing here and ask someone how to cope with these feelings right now. I couldn't even access the site from my computer or phone (with different connections) for some reason, and felt incredibly lost, cause I have no one to talk to right now. (Please mods, check your inbox because I sent you a message to clarify this situation. Thank you).

What triggered these thoughts were memories of a traumatic past experience I had. That's what made me start crying, shaking and triggered this severe depression I'm experiencing right now.

So I'm totally lost. Totally. I don't know what to do, I don't know whether to wake my mother up or not....and what could she do, after all? Trying to call one of my best friends but she's probably sleeping (it's late night here) and won't answer the phone.

I'm being very paranoid right now, and although I'm used to having paranoid ideas, they're too strong now and I don't know how to deal with this. I think I'm in danger and that the police is spying on me. I feel in danger for some reason, and I don't know whether this is real or not. I don't know what's going on and what to do and no, I don't want to be hospitalized, because I still can handle the situation, I'm not completely gone. I wouldn't be asking for help here if I was totally psychotic.

Double post

Locked