Loneliest, Saddest, suffocating in guilt & can't afford meds

Hi
I've been drifting on and off this site trying to find any kind of sanity or connection to the world. I am in the depressive phase of recovery from my second major manic psychotic episode. My story is so crazy I know that only those who have had an episode would remotely relate so I finally decided to post because the depression is so deep. My story is one of manic, grandiose, delusional and reckless abandon. I had been diagnosed with depression for the third time about a year ago. I didn't know what mania really was despite BP running in our family.
I am from Canada but was first hospitalized in Atlanta GA (was visiting family that happens to be in the medical community) for 5 days in December 2013 for an evaluation. My family took custody of my then 14 year old (only) daughter. Despite being very manic (I had hired a personal assistant and a limo driver) I was released because I was very convincing. Upon release I checked into the most expensive hotel in the area (booked a room for my assistant too) and proceeded to take over the world. Did I mention the days at the salon WITH my daughter and the 2 day photo shoot at multiple locations? Yes, I had started a business (after blowing my career up late 2012 into March 2013). I had to sell my house when I fell into the depression in April 2013 and had moved in with friends. It's been a disaster.
While at the ritzy hotel, I kept trying to reach my daughter. I sent hundreds of texts to my family I rarely received responses. I ended up renting 2 SUVs and traveling to my assistants home town for Christmas. I booked flights for my daughter and sent limos to take her to the airport. While it was frustrating, I just kept believing she would soon arrive (perhaps with my mother). She didn't. Christmas apart. I had panic attacks and called 911 and was taken in to the ER 3 times between Christmas and New Years. On the third time they kept me. It might've been because I contacted all of the police, the us military and the FBI and told them she was kidnapped. I managed to keep my cool during the days and was busy planning a global launch party for my company via Facebook, linked in and in person in Georgia. I was locked in for 2 weeks at a state facility. And no, this isn't the end of the insanity. When my brother, assistant and close friend finally got me released to come to Canada, I was still in my episode though they didn't know. They just knew I was hysterical about cockroaches and another patient threatening to kill me. They helped me come home. I was still a mess and my friend (we live together now) had no idea I was psychotic just thought I was super high strung. I signed for a brand new $60k pick up truck within a week of getting home (not only did I have no money, I had spent well over $70k on credit cards within 4 weeks). The truck was ridiculous because I had just leased a brand new one in November 2013. All crazy. All of it. But it gets worse
My friend and I were hit by a tractor trailer in the newest pick up (less than 500 miles on it) and suffered whiplash and concussion but amazingly walked away. The crash sent my manic psychosis to a new level and the police picked me up from the Toronto airport and took me to the hospital where I lived for the next 19 days. I probably should've been in longer but I begged my friend to get me out.
I am over $150k in debt with no income, no family and no friends left after this. I speak only to my mother: my daughter is afraid of me (this makes me suicidal) and my friend who I'm living with is all I have. We are pretty sure he is bipolar too. Up until a month ago, he had lost everything he had to some questionable and impulsive decisions too. He finally got a seasonal job or we weren't going to have food or these cell phones. I am very isolated where we live (old farmhouse in the country) and this is my first attempt to talk about this all. Please don't judge me too harshly : I already do that. I just wanted somewhere to "be" because I'm so lost.

Ingrid
BP1 with psychotic features. Currently in major depression

Hi Ingrid,

What a chaotic life you have been living! My heart goes out to you. Especially the part about your daughter. When I was in the throes of madness, I just called my parents and asked them to please watch my boys for awhile because I did not want them to see me like that. My parents were very supportive and my two boys luckily were sheltered from the worst of my illness. If I didn't have my parents, I don't know what I would have done. I'm so sorry you haven't been able to contact your daughter. =( I can only imagine the pain that would cause.

Medication brought me back to sanity, although it took a few months. For some it takes longer. But I think it's worth it. Are you on a medication regimen now or have you ever been? For me, my meds were what saved me. You might want to contact a pdoc and just get a consultation. I don't think you have anything to lose.

Edit: I just realized you said you can't afford meds. Where I live (the states), if you make under a certain amount of money, you would qualify for free healthcare. You might look into that. Just make a short trip to the Department of Economic Security. Good luck.

Life can and will get better. I have not had a major episode in over three years. There is hope. Please don't give up! Give your all to beat this episode!!! Best of luck to you.

Your story is another episode in the Book of Madness.
I'm sorry you are going through all you are experiencing. Being torn from your 14 year old is very hard, but family believe they are doing the best for her.

The crazy spending is so typical of mania. And the personal assistant , the photo shoots and the marketing plans follow the path of mania as well. I'm glad you were not hurt in your truck accident.

If you are still in Ontario, see if you can get referrals to programs and support services for people with mental illness. The provincial health systems can be a rat race of their own, but in some cases, they are all the care and attention we can get.

I hope you have some sane and coherent days up ahead.

Take care,

Electric & Skilsaw thank you for taking the time to comment.
I've been in relative isolation for close to 2 months so there has been mostly the return to clarity. I was pumped full of anti psychotics while in the hospital but it still took time to come back. Although we never come back all the way.
I completely understand that it was best for my daughter to be somewhere safe. At first I was furious but did quickly come to terms with it. Now, having lots of time and perspective (AND coming to terms with experiencing a psychotic episode) it takes my ability to breathe away to agree I am not her best caregiver as I can barely care for myself. This is after having held high stress field sales jobs for big brands and the luxury of my own schedule and car allowances etc. My family cannot look after her much longer (2 older brothers being treated for skin cancer & have lost their homes over medical bills) and I don't see financially stability anywhere nearby. If I filled my scripts, we wouldn't have $ to buy food. To qualify for social assistance, I would need to do endless paperwork and tax returns. I don't even have that nearby. It's a real disaster.
Maybe I am a cautionary tale for this board. Keep tightly wrapped. Pay attention to your moods and stay in control. I've lost everything.
It would be nice to win a lottery. I would book all of us into a wellness centre for a couple of months. But even with money, if one doesn't have health they cannot enjoy it. Not understanding or respecting this disease has stripped me of all of it: health, financial security and most importantly my family. The guilt that I cannot provide a safe place for my child is the single thing putting me over the edge.
It's unquantifiable. Presumably deserved too which is the bitterest pill on the table.