Assistance with a Low-Swing *Possible Trigger Warning*

Hey guys,

I've never gotten a clear definition on if I have MDD or bipolar (thought to be type 2; however I still think it's cyclothymia). There's a mood disorder there, and last time I was told it was suspected bipolar disorder. Regardless, I know there's something wrong. Some chemical imbalance somewhere in my brain.

My mood since summer's began has been relatively down. I think in part it's because I don't have studying to do, or a job, or any interest in being out and about. I've tried to get a job, but have been rejected from everywhere. I need to learn how to drive, but I'm absolutely terrified of it, plus I don't want to learn how to drive. I realize it's a necessity, but plenty of people go without it, why can't I? I'm having this break away from my family and I haven't conquered any milestones I should've when growing up. So now everything is being shoved onto me and I can't handle it with school.

This summer is nice in the respect that I'm finally able to stop and catch my breath. I just want to rest.

My mood will spike on occasion, and I do grab my sketch book and draw like crazy or clean house like a madwoman. However, majority of the time, I barely get out of my PJs, eat very little, and lounge about the bed. I don't want to leave the house or see anyone, but I do make it a point to at least shower and brush my teeth. I've been good about maintaining grooming habits. On occasions I do force myself to visit my friends or family. But I don't need help concerning that...

I've been taking 1-1.5mgs of Klonopin for GAD since I was 15, and I'm 19 now. It's helped me tremendously as far as stabilizing my moods and keeping me even-keel. Therapy has helped me conquer my suicidal idealizations. But...they're coming back. On days that are bad, my mind immediately goes there. I've never attempted suicide, and have no plans to. But I'm terrified at the fact they're back. They're the constant whisper in my head that says, "Worthless." or "It'd be so much more easier..." I hate it. I feel useless, pathetic, and yes, worthless.

I don't know if it's my catalyst of breaking away from home, getting into college (I'd be graduating in Fall), or the fact my home-life isn't the most stable. I was talking to my sister about going to see my T, and she basically told me that I need to grow some strength and finally put my foot down to get my independence. That therapy was only helping me vent, but not giving me the strength to put my foot down and act out (basically getting a belly-full). Thing is, I know that when I act out against something my habits are destructive. I don't cut, but I used to bite myself, but don't anymore. I know I'd never hurt anyone; but I don't know what to do...I feel desperate, alone in this sea of melancholy and helplessness.

I'm afraid to tell my T. I don't want her to think I'm a threat or danger to anyone. She's an awesome therapist though, but I don't know what to do. How can I get rid of the idealizations? I worked with her for years to finally dissolve them. And the klonopin works, but it wears off. I'm just scared and I don't know how to deal with everything, so that whisper comes back and says, "Take the easy way out."

Would she understand? I mean, if we worked that long to get rid of them (not directly, it was more indirect), could I talk to her about it? Should I even bother?

Thanks guys *hugs*

hi

Sounds like you have a lot on your plate atm and I suspect your mood is not helping matters at all. I think it would be a very good idea to tell your therapist how you are feeling with this so they can help you to improve things for you. Life does not have to be this miserable and with help hopefully it can improve. I hope they are able to help you and that you are feeling better soon - things can get better but it does sound like you will need some support to work through it all.

Hugs

Cracked

I'm just afraid of her writing me off or not being able to give me advice. I have told her about that voice of negativity before and she didn't know how to respond. But she's fantastic when we're on other subjects, she just didn't know how I could combat it. Even if my mood is stable (it was bad when I was writing that), it's still just that, stable. I don't really feel too much, and what I do feel seems buffered, if that makes any sense. I've been told to do things step by step, but when each step feels overwhelming it causes my anxiety to set in and I ball up, choosing to do nothing at all. It's counter-productive. :/