i'm in a tunnel with no end

I got to find a way out of the hole. I can't even get out of bed anymore, and I'm just forcing myself to eat because I know I have to and I don't even have an appetite really. I just sleep and sleep through the mornings and go in to bed for the last few hours I'm awake and wait to fall asleep. I see no light anymore at the end of this tunnel. I've been in this depression now for so long, there can't honestly be any way out. The last few months, I've known I've been slipping down slowly and surely.

I did good for a few years and I've just lost my complete sense of self, I've went back to the guy who I was when I started with treatment. I think treatment is a lost cause for me, and maybe I just don't respond to meds anymore.

I don't leave my house any more now, really. I used to visit with a family member of mine, who I was close with I guess and I told them I'd come over for the weekend and I just said I couldn't leave the house. I really can't even leave any more other than just going to go out and get what I need for the week to just come home and exist. I feel a complete panic trying to leave the house sometimes and I just get dizzy thinking of it. I feel like it's become my life, of existing without any joy. Like I'm in a black tunnel with no way out.

Is there ever any hope to just find some kind of comfort in life. I know no one has this answer, but have any of you felt this way? Did you find a way to manage? I don't even feel like the person I was a couple of years. Now I just feel like nothing inside, nothing outside. A complete robot. Empty and desolate with no emotion or energy.

I don't even understand what I'm trying to post and say right now. I'm just clueless.

Jake/PFF810

I don't know that I have any good answers for you, but I just wanted to take a moment to sympathize with you. Your post practically made me cry as I imagined what you are going through.

Is a med change simply not an option at this point? In my experience, most of the time meds are what worked for me. Other than that, sometimes I just had to force myself out of bed or get some help from my husband when the task seemed insurmountable. I've also found that being out in sunshine and fresh air give me a little boost. Even if it's only in my back yard.

So, my advice is not great. But I just mostly wanted to say I'm so sorry for what you are going through and will add you to my prayers. Please take care.

Hi PFF810.
Your post leaves me speechless, but wanting to reach out to you.
All I can say is, "Life does get better."
Others on the forum have been where you are, and have seen a new day.

I was in bed and not caring about the future. The thought of an asteroid crashing through my roof and ending it all was my only hope.

Call your family member,
Call a crisis line,
Don't give up.

The sky is darkest before the dawn.

Take care,

Many hugs to you- I am so sorry to hear how much you are struggling with everything. It sounds like you could really do with some focused work on trying to improve things for you-do you think an option could be a med fiddle under close supervision or even as an inpatient? It might help as you should not have to live your life feeling this awful. maybe a med change would help?

huge hugs

Cracked

CrackedGirl wrote:Many hugs to you- I am so sorry to hear how much you are struggling with everything. It sounds like you could really do with some focused work on trying to improve things for you-do you think an option could be a med fiddle under close supervision or even as an inpatient? It might help as you should not have to live your life feeling this awful. maybe a med change would help?

huge hugs

Cracked

I thought of that, I have to wait to see someone on June 4th for an appt about meds. I guess I'm gonna give it a shot I guess. I used to wonder what the inpatient places are like, but I found out they weren't that great around in my part of the country.

electricbipolar wrote:I don't know that I have any good answers for you, but I just wanted to take a moment to sympathize with you. Your post practically made me cry as I imagined what you are going through.

Is a med change simply not an option at this point? In my experience, most of the time meds are what worked for me. Other than that, sometimes I just had to force myself out of bed or get some help from my husband when the task seemed insurmountable. I've also found that being out in sunshine and fresh air give me a little boost. Even if it's only in my back yard.

So, my advice is not great. But I just mostly wanted to say I'm so sorry for what you are going through and will add you to my prayers. Please take care.

thanks so much.. i appreciate the prayers.. im gonna try med changes i just got a call back from somebody, although i dont have much faith in treatment at the moment i said to myself whats the worst that could happen? at most it'll feel like a placebo effect if it doesnt work..

skilsaw wrote:Hi PFF810.
Your post leaves me speechless, but wanting to reach out to you.
All I can say is, "Life does get better."
Others on the forum have been where you are, and have seen a new day.

I was in bed and not caring about the future. The thought of an asteroid crashing through my roof and ending it all was my only hope.

Call your family member,
Call a crisis line,
Don't give up.

The sky is darkest before the dawn.

Take care,

Thanks for your response.

More hugs to you - hope you are able to find a way forward with all of this

Cracked

Hi pinkfloydfan810,

I could really feel the profound suffering and desperation at your situation while reading your message, and I sincerely hope that you manage to find your way out of the 'tunnel' you're stuck in right now.

It made me shudder to remember when I've felt in a similar place to you, as until March '13, I'd experienced more than two years of constant mood instability. Most of that was depression, and at my worst, I'd spend all day in bed, couldn't bring myself to shower or eat (unless forced by family!), and would spend hours each day crying. My mum had to basically become my carer during this time. I genuinely couldn't see a way out of the mental torture and the only reason I think I didn't try to end it was the thought of hurting my family.

What brought me out of this was landing upon a really good psychiatrist and changing my meds around. When I'm depressed it just sticks unless I take an antidepressant, so I ended up on a mood stabiliser (Carbamazepine, 600mg), antidepressant (Sertraline, 50mg) and an antipsychotic (Quetiapine, 500mg). This was to prevent my mood going too high.

I think you've already got some really helpful advice about changing your meds, as that's what was ultimately effective for me too. It might take some time (for me personally, that was about six months). We tried adding just Quetiapine first, which didn't treat the depression, and then added the Sertraline, which is when things started to get better.

I'd also advise that, if you're not happy with your psychiatrist or feel they're not listening, try to get a second opinion. It's something I wish I'd done before I got to that point, as my previous two psychiatrists' treatment was ineffective and they refused to add in an antidepressant. Now I luckily have a very good psychiatrist, the difference is huge.

At one point, I actually never thought I'd be stable again, but with decent treatment, there is light at the end of the tunnel- even if it seems impossible right now. You're not alone in how you're feeling but things can change with the right support. I hope your appointment goes well. Take care of yourself.