WOW. I Am Extremely Delusional.

I am pretty much dead-broke, I don't have a job, and yet I continue to 'fantasize' over things I want to buy. This is definitely part of my illness. I also bought an expensive laptop impulsively; that is also part of the illness. It's like I don't realize how screwed up my thinking really is. It's like I'm a child that does not know any better. It's like I can't control myself. I hate this.

I also often buy expensive things and after a few days I wonder why I've bought them Then sometimes I afraid of myself and touch the things that I've bought with fear.

There's nothing wrong with fantasizing. I have a motorbike in mind that I want. It costs 5000 euro. I could perhaps afford it if it cost 50 euro. It's when you start spending the money you don't have the real trouble begins...

But it's irrational. That's my point. If I don't have money to buy an instrument, I should not waste my time thinking about it. I should be spending my time studying to get a job, save up enough money to get my own place, save up loads of money, and then maybe think about buying a new instrument. My cognition is also extremely impaired; it's abysmal. But that's another issue; I don't want to get into it here if no one wants me to.

I would not beat yourself up about fantasising about spending money - I think this is pretty common esp in BP and esp if you dont have money to spend. But do be careful it does not translate into too much actual spending as that can cause problems. Things like giving someone else your bank card if you feel you are going to spend can be helpful.

Cracked