When Do You Stop Being Ashamed?

Assuming you are ashamed...

When do you stop being ashamed of your disorder and how do you know that you've made it to that point?

(You can just answer the question without reading further if you want to)

I've been diagnosed with Cyclothymia for about a year now. And diagnosed with ADD for about 5 months. The ADD I'm more likely to tell people about because I guess it seems more socially acceptable. Seems like everyone has it. But I do feel weird when I tell them that I'm taking Concerta. I haven't really told many people, including my siblings and close friends, that I'm Cyclothymic because I'm afraid of their reactions. Not many people take the time to understand it and jump to conclusions. I'm currently not on any meds for that because the carbamazapine made me feel really slow and high and makes me sound stupid in social situations (those side effects go away after a week or two but I had to stop taking it because I didn't have health insurance for about 3 months and because of school and work I don't have time to go through that again). But my therapists says that my case is so mild that people probably won't notice and that I don't really need medication for it.

Most of the time I'm fine. I've been pretty good at managing it, but nobody's perfect. It definitely effects the relationships I have with people in SO many ways. I feel like I'm lying when I don't tell someone that I'm Cyclothymic. And the few times that I have either told or hinted at mental illness, these people walked out of my life. And I don't blame them because if I could walk away from this disorder, I would.

I'm an attractive person, I'm super into weight lifting, and I have a great personality. And without being delusional or misplacing blame, my behavior from my disorder is the reason people leave. A lot of the people are sucky to begin with though. But for once it'd be nice for someone to not like me because they just don't like the REAL me.

Things have gotten better with time and I'm more accepting of myself now than I was a year ago when I was first diagnosed (talk about a blow to your ego... And I don't mean the label. I mean seriously knowing that there's something wrong with you and you can't pretend that there's not anymore). But I look at my disorder as a weakness because the majority of the time it is.

I accept it because I know there's nothing I can do about it except learn how to manage my life with it. And I'm totally okay with it by myself. It's really other people, and the internet talking about how I'm going to be alone for the rest of my life that makes me feel bad.

I don't know why I wrote all of this cuz I bet just about everyone on this forum has been through this so I don't really need to repeat it. But I'm wondering what the heck does it mean to come to terms with a disorder?! And when you're like "cool" with it, do you stop being embarrassed or are you always just little ashamed?

Cuz I'm pretty cool with it but not really...

Hi and welcome to the forum.

For me, I stopped being ashamed of it after learning about it more, and how prevalent it really is, and also once i looked back and realized what I've learned. I still may not bring it up on my own, but if someone asks, I can talk openly about it. People aren't always kind, but sometimes being open has its benefits. For example, people talk to me about things - I hear about their family members who have mental illness, or even about their own stuff. They know I'll understand and keep an open mind. It's nice to know that my struggle has given me some wisdom.

But, it is hard - you just have to let yourself know that people leaving when you tell them says more about them than you.

Best of luck and keep talking.

Hello Canary Blue,
Welcome to the forum. I hope you find the understanding and support I have felt by being a member here.

First off, I think most people have never heard of cyclothymia. When a member of a support group said, "I am cyclothymic", I had to ask, "What's that?"

It is nothing to be ashamed of, and, as I understand it, it is a lightweight mental disorder compared to many others. It is just a small part of the totality of who you are.

Stick with your therapy. I hope your therapist has the patience and insight to help you with your view of yourself. I know you feel devastated by the diagnosis, but don't be. You are you... so much more than one word. Cyclothymic.

One on one therapy is good, and I hope you benefit from it. Since part of your problems seem to be with relationships, maybe group therapy would benefit you too. I've had lots of both. Group therapy with a good therapist is amazing. I found that all the problems that plagued me in my personal life were present in the room with the group.

I hope we can help you here,
Take care,

I would say that I would stop being ashamed when I am fully independent. Since that is basically impossible because I'm basically a lost cause, I will always have to live in shame. I can't afford not to, because the people that I can't be comfortable around (my family, relatives, the world) are the ones that have the resources keeping me alive. I have been rejected by my family from any real deep conversation and connection because of my mental illness and in order for me not to become homeless, I have to live in shame as a means of staying alive.

My internal dialogue short circuits into a confusion. Logical conclusions and emotional ones are two different arenas. That's why humans were built as two sexes. Each to his or her territory on understanding survival. I can't not be ashamed because I have failed as a man to at the very least take care of myself. I can logically conclude that this shouldn't bother me and to try and improve, but the emotion of failure and loss overrides the experience of any random moment at hand.

But shame is the aura of the collective conscious directed towards what's considered an unproductive person. It's like a psychological taunting to induce self disposal as a final solution if all else fails, to varying degrees of course. Shame is the weathering that erodes a person away.

I was thinking about this question having read your post and I think that I stopped feeling ashamed when things got really bad and ppl found out because I was in hospital - and instead of being horrible they were really supportive which made me realise it was not something to be ashamed of. Of course not everyone was supportive but close family and friends were and that was enough to make me feel OK about this not being something defective about me.

You dont deserve to go through life feeling ashamed of who you are and I think it is good you are seeing a therapist. I hope they can help with that. please be honest with them about how you are feeling.

I hope we can be of support to you here

Hugs

Cracked

Thanks everyone for replying! I was actually surprised how much your replies meant to me this morning...

gratteciel wrote:But, it is hard - you just have to let yourself know that people leaving when you tell them says more about them than you.

I know it says more about them and that they suck But sometimes I do realize that I could have a relationship or friendship with them if I wasn't like this and that bugs me. Despite how awesome and good looking I am, I've suddenly found myself drowning at the bottom of the dating pool.

I am happy that you have good people in your life who have an open mind. A lot of my struggles in life have given me insight, made me more understanding. I can appreciate these experiences because I have helped others who've dealt with similar situations. And I know I wouldn't have been able to if I didn't have a couple of low points in my life.

skilsaw wrote:stick with your therapy. I hope your therapist has the patience and insight to help you with your view of yourself. I know you feel devastated by the diagnosis, but don't be. You are you... so much more than one word. Cyclothymic.

One on one therapy is good, and I hope you benefit from it. Since part of your problems seem to be with relationships, maybe group therapy would benefit you too. I've had lots of both. Group therapy with a good therapist is amazing. I found that all the problems that plagued me in my personal life were present in the room with the group.

I hope we can help you here,
Take care,

I felt like crying all weekend but just couldn't. I couldn't sleep last night so I took 400 mg of my carbamazepine. Even though I'm not taking it regularly, my therapist told me to keep just in case I need it and that it'd help with my insomnia. When I woke up this morning I was dizzy from the drug like usual. I got dressed to go bike riding, thought I was totally cool and fine and junk. But before leaving the house, I read your post and out of nowhere I finally cried.

I mean, I'm sure it's not "out of nowhere" but it was unexpected. I knew you guys on this forum would be able to relate to me but I just didn't realize how it'd affect me.

I actually decided a couple of days ago that I'd go to group therapy. They meet tomorrow.

i!Poler wrote:Shame is the weathering that erodes a person away.

Your last sentence really stuck with me. Most of the time and lately I've been more than content with myself. I have great friends, I'm getting some creative things done, I'm seeing gains from my time spent in the gym... And then, I've been dating... And whenever things sorta go wrong in that department (even if it's not necessarily related to my disorder), I start reevaluating myself and that's when my disorder comes up and that's when I feel ashamed and that's when I feel myself "eroding away." Just from experiences, I feel like even if things do work out great with someone, they may not be accepting of my disorder and then I'm back to square one. And then I feel like what's the point in even trying. But I get lonely and I want a connection so that's the point, right?

I understand and have felt some of the things you're going through. And maybe you and I won't ever be completely free of this shame, but maybe it'll lessen? Maybe we just need to find another way to be productive.These kind of things are subjective and being fully independent is not the only way to be a productive member of society. People can and will make you feel otherwise, but there are other things that we can do. And we should do our best to not let shame or those people stop us from trying.

I agree though. Emotions, whenever they want to, can and do overpower logic. And the only thing I can do is work on not doing something irrational when that happens.

CrackedGirl wrote:I was thinking about this question having read your post and I think that I stopped feeling ashamed when things got really bad and ppl found out because I was in hospital - and instead of being horrible they were really supportive which made me realise it was not something to be ashamed of.

If the world was perfect, everyone would have this experience of acceptance =] I'm happy that you don't have to be embarrassed. And maybe one day I won't have to be either. It might be something that gets better with time and experience. Right now, my parents either don't believe or pretend that there's nothing "wrong" with me. Even when I've had some pretty aggressive outbursts that turn from anger to sadness to me laughing to me being embarrassed about my actions to me being completely over it in a matter of ten minutes... Mental illness happens to other people but apparently can't happen to me.

I agree that I don't deserve to be ashamed of this. No one with a mental illness deserves to be ashamed. But society makes us feel that way and what are the odds of us changing society?


Thanks again everyone for your replies. I really do appreciate them.

Not to bring you down, but it took me about 8 years to stop feeling ashamed. I don't tell many peope at all. I've told about 4 so they can be my contacts when I may feel suicidal. Other than that it's only my husband. I have a strong feeling if I was like this when my husband first met me I would not be married today. He's patient and we have 3 girls but it is not easy having bipolar. Nor do I believe for a second it's easy for the spouse. I wanted to tell a friend so that she can walk away from my life by her harsh judgement or stop asking me to watch her kids. I always tell her no but now she'll have reason because sometimes I can't watch 3 extra kids besides my own. So, back to you, you eventually get to don't give a $#%^ attitude and just stick to being by yourself with your few very good friends. Who don't really understand but care about you to want you to be ok. I have since become an angry person. I get pissed off and tell people where they can go. I don't keep it to myself and feel hurt anymore, I let them have it.

quietgirl2538 wrote:So, back to you, you eventually get to don't give a $#%^ attitude and just stick to being by yourself with your few very good friends. Who don't really understand but care about you to want you to be ok. I have since become an angry person. I get pissed off and tell people where they can go. I don't keep it to myself and feel hurt anymore, I let them have it.

As liberating as it feels to let them have it, still be careful, it might spill over into getting cut off from important people eventually.

CrackedGirl wrote:ppl found out because I was in hospital - and instead of being horrible they were really supportive which made me realise it was not something to be ashamed of.Cracked

Our experience of friends while in hospital were completely different. About 6 hours after being admitted, my brother came to see me and say, "Your marriage is over." My answer to him was, "Goodbye, and don't bother coming back."

My dad was a racist Nazi who was heavily involved in "Free Speech" because that justified his right to spread his vile beliefs. When he came to visit me in hospital, I called over a black nurse and introduced them as a way of diffusing and redirecting my father's conversation. He proceeded to talk to the nurse for half an hour all about his trip to South Africa. When he was finished, he said to me, "We've had a wonderful visit. You look fine. There is nothing wrong with you." which was a complete miss reading of me at the moment. I was in pajamas in a mental hospital, and my world was completely turned over. I was feeling totally bewildered, and I looked the part.

These rotten visits made me promise to myself that I would recover and move on in my life without their support. As opposed to ashamed, these A-holes made me feel empowered. I didn't need them in my life. Initially, any contact was strained. Then my dad died. He was an A-hole until the very end and I never missed him. I've accepted my brother as insensitive and superficial. I see him twice a year at his "Don't worry, be happy Parties" and watch his friends focus on drinking and discussing their golf game.

So don't be ashamed. Remember the person in the room with the mentally ill diagnosis isn't the only one in the room with problems.

Sounds like I have been lucky. I did lose practically all my work friends as they did not want to know but those who were important stuck by me. It does sound like I was lucky

Cracked