CONFUSED, LOSING HOPE, MINDS NOT MINE ANYMORE

Maybe someone can help me. I have been diagnosed with depression and anxiety 3 times by three sifferent doctors. I've been Zoloft 100 mg ( bouncing off the walls first night i took it, seeing falshing lights everywhere, fast, loud speech, overly ecstatic, wanted to go and party (and I did), stayed up til 4 or 5 am woke up at 8 am not hungover at all and energetic), went off of it after two days it wasn't prescribed to me took it with the intention to lose weight april 2013, Took wellbutrin 150 mg felt good first day, by the third day I was writing inspirational quotes, singing in the shower and pretending I was on stage performing, euphoric feeling, hearing someone call my name as i was falling asleep, thoughts were racing, LOUD and pounding, remember on christmas being in the bathroom grabbing my head and saying "leave me alone", drank whole bottle of wine to slow myself down, made me more agitated and angry throwing $#%^ everywhere, went off it after 10 days. Things gradullay and gradually got worse ended up in ER for suicidal ideations told me it was depression and anxiety prescribed 50 mg of zoloft went on that for two days extremely agitated and irritated made the thoughts even more loud and pounding and intrusive, crying one minute, happy the next. I've gone completely delusional in my opinion, the lines of what's real and not real have become blurred. I've questioned everything from my sexuality, to my family, to my past. Everything has become so jumbled and I literally have no control anymore! Paranoid about the thoughts I have, when I know they're not me but they just won't stop and keep racing and pounding and it's agonizing. I've questioned if maybe i was molested when i was little but don't know if it's real or not. I've questioned if I've ever molested my nieces or anyone. It's terrifying. Now I'm on 5 mg prozac titrating up to 10 mg. Last week I had an incredibly good week, I was on 5 mg every other day for first 3 doses. I made my alcohol assesment, scheduled a therapy session, did all those without seeing if i had a ride as i do not have a license right now, went out to eat (left my house for the first time in a LONG time), hanging around my family more, went to my niece's communion party. I feel so out of control and almost like I am possesed. I feel like I literally can't feel anymore. I feel numb to any other kind of emotion that isn't sadness, irritability, darkness, anger etc. Does anyone see this as traits and sympotms of bipolar?? One doctor tells me one thing and another tells me something different. I know one thing...I DONT RESPOND WELL TO ANTI DEPRESSANTS. Someone please give me some advice and tell me something positive? I can't take this much longer!

It sounds like you are really getting a rough ride from your moods right now.
I'm sorry to hear that, and hope you find some relief.

You asked for advice.
Stop drinking. Alcohol and antidepressants don't mix.
When I'm a little depressed or a little manic, exercise really helps me. I have a friend who phones and we go for a half hour walk up a steep hill. Breathing deeply and working up a sweat slows down the mania.
Find a friend who will listen to you and program her phone number into speed dial on you cell phone.
Try and stay on new prescriptions for 4 to 6 weeks. It takes them that long to become effective sometimes. Also, some of the early side effects get reduced.

Look after yourself. Eat well, get regular sleep, and remember personal care, like showers, etc.

Take care,

thank you for responding so quickly! I am doing okay, I have a follow up on the 23rd of May. It just is incredibly frustrating to feel like you really don't even trust your own mind. It's like you know the difference between right and wrong but right now your mind doesn't care. I will say things never were weird like this until I took the Zoloft that first time. I really feel that that really kicked off some kind of something in my brain. I just hope that giving me all these anti depressants that aren't working arent going to permenantly change the chemistry of my brain. Also, when I was talking about the wellbutrin and drinking that was all the way back at Christmas. I haven't drank heavily like that since then and I haven't had a drink at all in a month and a half. I'm doing really well in that respect. I have a history of alcoholism on both sides of my family. My mom struggles with substance abuse issues as does my dad with alcohol. They will never admit they have a problem but I think when you each have 3 and 4 DUI's consecutively that there is a little bit of a problem lol. My mom has struggled with depression as well and went to the doctor, they were not clear on whether she had depression or a mood disorder. She was given a referral to psychiatry but has yet to seek any further help. All i can do now is believe in my heart that I am doing the right thing and that things will get better. They have to. I've come so close so many times to swallowing a whole bottle of pills but for some reason I didn't do it. I truly believe that there was a reason that I didn't. Everything may seem blurred and out of control and jumbled right now but I have to keep having faith that everything will fall back into place. I will say right now I definitely can FEEL an imbalance in my brain, it feels the right side of my brain is evening out and the left side sort of feels wired! The best analogy I can make is that it's like a see saw the right side is down low and the left is wayyyyy up there! Whereas before I start the med it felt like both sides were wired almost like they were fighting against eachother.

Hi

I totally agree with Skilsaw's excellent advice. One thing i wanted to also say is that I wonder if you need to have your appt brought forward or whether things are stable enough to wait for the original date. What could be an idea is to call your Dr and check this by giving them a brief synopsis of how you are atm. If they want to see you quicker they can bring things forward and if not you can relax a bit in knowing they think things can wait for a short while.

It is not easy to cope when your mood is all over the place and i really hope things settle for you. It may be that the appt can wait but I thought I should mention it as an option as it sounds like things are pretty difficult for you.

Cracked

I have sent him an electronic message yesterday as he wanted to hear from me before I saw him again. I am so embarrased about the child molester thing that I didn't want to say it or I didn't think about it because when I went I was in such a depressed low that I couldn hardly even think. I sent him a message yesterday and told him about how I felt in the brain. I have yet to recieve a response from him but I will look again today. I've already made this far so I think I can make it two weeks. I just want to have a week as good as last week. I was getting things done and not obsessing over stuff like I am now. "why did I have this thought?" "Is this really how I think" "what's wrong with me?" "I'll be okay" "I'm SO not okay" that plus all the other loud pounding thoughts. It's like a never ending cycle and I just want to feel like me again. Well feel like me but maybe a better person lol. A person that doesn't go from 0 to 60 in 2.2 seconds and isn't irritable. I just wanna really enjoy life for most likely the first time ever.