Do you ever think you're not bipolar?

Do you ever think you're not bipolar?

That maybe you were misdiagnosed?

I sometimes see bipolar in me, but sometimes I wonder if it's just depression plus a personality that would be fun/energetic/giggly if I wasn't so depressed.

I've done the bouts of excessive spending, risk taking, feeling like my mind is spinning out of control, sobbing for days, sleeping very little for days, staying up all night to do some project that feels overly important at the time (I've done so many things that I thought would be a viral online success), and can't focus.

I have asperger's, and wonder if those symptoms made it "seem" like I had bipolar when I don't. The obsessions, hard to make social interactions, extreme sensitivity to noise and light, all that.

My work is sometimes really good, sometimes it's just trash. I can't seem to have a stable work performance.

I get huge mood swings. I can be giddy happy having fun then a few hours later crying my eyes out losing all hope in life. Then a few hours later be ok again. And repeat. I can stay up most of the night every night for days on little sleep and get obsessed with projects I'm working on. And other weeks cry in bed for days and days. Certain things set me off. Sometimes I have to leave social situations before I freak out on someone. I can often feel it coming.... that feeling that something isn't right, that I'm off, and that my emotions are about to go haywire. Stress gets me. Sometimes I can stay up all night with no sleep and have an abnormal amount of energy and be overly happy. Other days I can sleep 12 hours and can't deal with life and am still tired. Maybe that's just life, maybe it's just normal-- and I'm not bipolar?

I know these sort of posts are annoying, but I can't figure out what's happening to me.

I feel like I'm losing it.

I have no insurance, there's no community mental health services, so seeing a psych again right now is not possible.

I don't take meds. I once had a bad bad reaction to an SSRI, which is how I discovered bipolar in the first place.

I'm not sure what to do.

I don't feel 'normal' or balanced. But maybe that's just depression? My personality?

I still have the mood swings which I accept as being bipolar.
My medication is working but when I get triggered, I get the rush of mania or the crush of depression. The only difference is that I have better self control now. I don't let my emotions dictate my behavior quite so much.
Sometimes I know ahead of time when I'm feeling like doing something manic. Then the inner war begins...
Do it, do it. It will be fun, you will feel so good, people will think you are so funny...

Don't be an idiot. That's a stupid thing to do. Why do you even consider such irrational actions.

Unfortunately, the mania in me is very strong.

Oh, tell me about it.

I'm very stable these days, hence absence of my posts or replies on the forum. I'm off meds since the last breakdown I've had, which was crazy, about a month ago. (I was on meds only for a week, no kidding.) I've decided (convinced myself?) that I'm totally fine. Now, I'd say that it's rather easy for me to think so since I don't have major issues during my hypo manic states. It's the mixed episodes that I hate. Those phases are scary as hell. And, I haven't had one in a while. So, it's all pretty good, right?

That, and I'm trying to control and analyze my emotions or moods right now. I guess, no matter what, I'll never be sure of this bi-polar thing.

Good luck.

-- Thu May 08, 2014 11:22 pm --

okiedoke wrote:I don't feel 'normal' or balanced. But maybe that's just depression? My personality?

Story. Of. My. Life.

I'm sorry that things are so hard for you right now, Okiedoke. Especially since you're not able to see a mental health professional right now, it must be very difficult to deal with everything.

As you probably know already, nobody here can diagnose you. Still, I can tell you how much I relate to your experiences. Sleeping too much, not sleeping enough. Increased productivity, no work done at all. So happy that the world seems brighter, so sad that everything looks grey. Thing is, I don't believe this is normal behaviour at all, as much as it pains me to say it. I know from observing other people that sometimes they're happier, sometimes they're sadder. But not like this. These past few months, falling asleep quickly for me means at least 1h tossing and turning. I've asked friends, and for them falling asleep quickly means 5-10min. I've seen other people get mad, but never the way I get mad. As hard as it is for me to admit it, I know my behaviour isn't normal, and bipolar fits like a glove.

Now, that's not to say I accept this. It's a constant inner conflict. When it's really bad, there's no doubt in my mind I am bipolar. As soon as my mood gets back to normal I start making excuses: "Oh, it wasn't so bad, everyone gets a bit down once in a while". I have to rationalize that yes, it was that bad. Sometimes it helps reading through stuff I write when I'm depressed or manic. Just to remind myself.

I hope you can find answers and, most of all, I hope you can find stability. Try and analyze your behaviour objectively, maybe that will help you figure things out.

Absolutely.

It's obvious there is something wrong. What specifically it is, is debatable. Last time I was inpatient I told the p-doc that I preferred to think of myself as JUPD. That's the Jacked Up Personality Disorder.

invicta wrote:When it's really bad, there's no doubt in my mind I am bipolar. As soon as my mood gets back to normal I start making excuses: "Oh, it wasn't so bad, everyone gets a bit down once in a while". I have to rationalize that yes, it was that bad. Sometimes it helps reading through stuff I write when I'm depressed or manic. Just to remind myself.

I feel like that. When I feel great, I'm convinced that I am just a happy, warm, positive person. There is no darkness, only light. I'm forget how bad the depression was and that I must have just imagined that it stuck around for so long. I start praying and thanking God for all the great things in my life. I apologize with a heart full of guilt for being sad when He's given me so much. I have a hard time believing I'm bipolar and I'm convinced I can stop the darkness from invading again because, "everyone gets sad now and then." Even when people close to me, such as my husband, points out that my behavior is manic (excessive shopping, want to quit my job and start my own business because I have a great idea that can not fail!) I am in denial that I have bipolar and I am angry that people just can't accept that I am this awesome person with fabulous ideas and a plethora of creative talent.

Then, as always, the depression does come back. I can feel it. I can taste it. I can see it. All I want to do is sleep so I can escape the crushing weight of it. I become cynical and wonder how I could have ever doubted its existence. I question why God would allow one of His children to hurt so much that she wishes for death. In my mind, that's when the BP diagnosis is real. That's when I stop doubting its existence. The older I become, the more I am able to keep a handle on the behaviors that belong to bipolar and which behaviors belong to me alone. Sometimes, though, it is difficult to see that line very clearly. My family helps me stay grounded as much as they can and lift me up when I fall. A good support system really is crucial.

Did you consider you might be in a mixed state?

I think when you're hypo/manic, most people would think they're not bipolar; from what I myself experienced. This is also why I skip appointments because I think I'm all better and I don't need any help. This is also when I would go around town going on shopping spree and buying online and burning a hole in my pocket.

It sounds like you aren't really sure of your diagnosis or maybe in denial. I confirmed mine as I had gradually made healthy changes in my lifestyle slowly over the years and the mood swings and the episode still insistently kept getting worse. I am currently unmedicated. My life is pretty private, not many friends. I sleep at the same time everyday or try to. Make meals almost at the same time and keep a schedule. Or atleast plan to do something for that day, when i'm down. I can tell when I'm depressed or getting manic when i feel that something is off. When I know i'm getting down I go out more, get some sun and try to think positively. When I feel i'm getting hypo, I'll try and get some down time for myself and relax so i don't do anything rash.

Since you say a pdoc isn't possible right now, I would suggest you try keep a healthy lifestyle.

Back to the original question...
I am bipolar.
If I am not bipolar, I do not need medication.
If I don't take my medication as prescribed, life becomes hell.
So it is easier to believe I am bipolar, and need medication because then life is OK.

When I get manic, I dont think that im Bipolar, I actually dont think that I need meds and I stop taking them for a few days. I feel kind of normal and happy when im manic, and I start thinking that Bipolar is a bunch of #######4, until I crash and I realize that im Bipolar and I do need meds lol

skilsaw wrote:Back to the original question...
I am bipolar.
If I am not bipolar, I do not need medication.
If I don't take my medication as prescribed, life becomes hell.
So it is easier to believe I am bipolar, and need medication because then life is OK.

No flaw in this logic.

I take my medication because I remember VERY well how I felt before.