SickOfItAll / Suicide

26 male/ Bipolar , passive/agressive and avoident personality disorder with some anxiety and ocd and schzoid traits. Who would have thougt this is what I would be. No job , no money , no gf , no best friends , live with parents and abuse oxycodone and marijuana, when I come up with money for it. I only do drugs to mask my pain in my soul. From what you may ask? I think god wants me to hurt. I have finnaly been getting help for all my problems and this is where it has gotten me. I am weaning off of paxilcr from 50mg and am taking 25mg for 5 more days while I take 10 mg of lexapro and then 20 when I finish the paxilcr. I also take 2 mg of clonazapam (klonopin) , but sometimes up to 4-5 mg because I feel so much like ending my deprived journy on this world. Doc wants to try valium instead and maybe risperdal at a small dose. Why cant I change? Why wont god listen? Why do I want to self medicate so much? I hope I od on pills and think about driving off the road when driving , but I am weak and don't dare to end it all. Just wanted to say HI

Also my mind won't stop wondering and I am so emotional lately. I've been going to gym and trying to fix my sleep problems , but I feel like everything is falling apart and that there is a cloud over my head. I am always on the outside looking in.

I am very sorry to hear all this.
As soon as you get money give it to your parents or something so that you cant spend it on drugs. Or any paycheck just put in the bank.

Try to think positive, there is still better days to hope for.
A walk in a dark tunnel will be dark for a while but after a wait and some work the light comes.

Does your docter know about you slowly removing drugs from your live?
You can change you just havint found out how.
I dont bealive in God but from what i hear It uses this life to judge you or something and then the after life is his time to help etc.
Just because you havint or dont kill yourself when you want to does not make you weak it is most likely a small part of your mind that dosint want you to.
Good job going to the gym to try to fix your sleep problems. Do you want or need any more sleeping advice i have some if you want it just ask.

I hope you feel better and that these forums help you

Dear Endisnear06,

I'm sorry to hear that you feel this way. It seems quite clear that if you are Bipolar you might be going through a high or low right now. The seasons are beginning to change and I know so many people including myself that reap the havic of seasons changing. It sucks. I remember back years ago the same situation. Wanting to just drive my car into a pole! My medications were not right and I was clearly out of control.

Trying to keep yourself in control with money and other influences like Oakchair said might be helpful. I personally have my husband to help me with that or I would spend every last penny that I have. I know that is my weakness.

Focus on what you can control and your strengths. Life is hard. I believe in God and I have thought forever that I was simply dealt a bad hand of cards. I personally couldn't believe that God would allow me to be in situations that I know I can't handle. You always hear " You are never given more than what you can handle." This is true. And of course the other famous qoute "God has a purpose for everything." If you want to believe in Christ then try going to church - you might get some relief. I am not a regular attendee but when I do go, I feel better.

Try to get your life in order and focus on strengthing your mind. I truly believe that there are only so many pills one can take. Your mind must be strong! You need to love yourself first.

I wish you the best of luck and I pray that you have better days ahead! [/quote]