I just don't understand.

I dress well, decent looks, and have a good job. Yet im still suffering because of self-esteem?? I dont understand. Every day seems to be a lifetime..racing thoughts? Every day I wonder "whats wrong with me?" Anxiety?? I just dont get it, great job, lots of friends, decent looks..but everyday i feel like somethings wrong..and i cant put my finger on it. My mind can go a million places in one day. Im bipolar. Is this the source of my problems?? My therapist says a lot of what im feeling is because of my rough and unstable childhood; im not sold.

Hi,

I'm sorry to hear you're suffering so much with this. From my experience, things can seem wonderful on the outside but be mismatched to the feelings of insecurity and low self esteem you describe. It may well be part of your bipolar, and it's something I continue to struggle with as well. It's particularly severe when I'm in a depressive episode, though the feelings of being inadequate never totally go away, just recede into the background.

I think it's also difficult when others might see a successful, attractive person and can't understand why you feel something's wrong with you. I remember when my bipolar first truly hit when I was 14, and I was explaining to my grandma how I felt really low and bad about myself. She responded that I was a very pretty girl, getting great marks at school etc. so I had no reason to feel that way. Although that comment was well meaning, I realised how it's hard for others to understand, and later came to realise it's part of my illness.

I wonder if you're on any medication? Treating the underlying depression helped me in this, personally. Also, I think it's worth continuing with therapy- I'm having CBT at the moment, and working a lot on low self esteem and my negative beliefs about myself e.g. that I'm a failure, not good enough etc. It seems to be gradually helping me chip away at the harsh self-critical thoughts.

For what it's worth, I also had an unstable and dysfunctional childhood, and I believe I can trace the development of my low self esteem back to that, although my illness itself definitely compounds the problem.

I hope you find a way to feel better about yourself. Good luck.

Low self-esteem unfortunately rarely makes sense. The therapist might be correct on childhood issues though -- I worked at my self-esteem through therapy for 2 years and resolved a lot of it, but I keep on seeing new areas where it pops up. And sometimes it's just depression speaking rather than logical thoughts that would make sense.

Marian Keyes, my favourite writer, suffers from depression. She wrote a few times that she felt so guilty to be depressed -- she writes for living, makes lots of money, travels, has a great partner, etc. etc., "so what right does she have to be depressed". Well it doesn't work this way. Self-esteem issues don't either. I personally know bodybuilders who, despite all evidence, see themselves as tiny. Thin girls, who obsess about how obese they are. My main problem area used to be work -- I used to feel I was never good enough, which combined with perfectionism and later mobbing from my boss lead me to a burnout which I still haven't really recovered from.

I hope that your therapy and medication (assumed you are on meds) is going to help you. But it might take quite a long time. For me, therapy was two years of work. But I have to say the difference between before and after is enormous.

I can really relate to not feeling good enough.
I lived my life for approval and acceptance by others.
Now, I'm retired, and I'm doing my own thing.

In the past year I have been backpacking, skiing, snowshoeing, cycling, hiking and canoeing.
For some reason, I feel best when I am doing one of those activities so that it what I do.

My father died about 9 years ago and I don't miss him. He showered disapproval on me and i ached to be accepted by him. I have minimal contact with my mom. I keep all our interactions superficial. I once told her I loved her but didn't confide in her. Her reaction was, "What is your definition of love, if it doesn't include confiding in me?" Self serving, egotistical, narcissistic.
Now she's a person who needs approval, and needs to be needed.

Just be yourself. You can't be anybody else.

Take care,