Recently diagnosed with Bipolar *trigger warning*

Ok, so after my third stint in the hospital my doctor said that I probably have Bipolar Disorder. I am just now reading up on the disorder. I was actually wondering if bipolar was the correct diagnosis though. I am gonna post one of my journal sessions to see if anyone might be able to help me out. I started these after my second hospital visit. This was my first journal:

"I don’t really hate my life that much. But I can’t continue to argue with my thoughts that much longer. I’m tired. Every day I have to tell my mind to stop bringing up thoughts of suicide, self-harm, hurting others. I don’t know why my mind continuously throws these images and thoughts up. I’m very tired. I have repeatedly called myself a coward for not ending my life. I argue with the voice and I’m not quite sure who the voice is. I don’t know if it is my own manifestation or if the voice is caused by a distorted balance of chemicals in my brain. I cannot decide. Why am I writing this now? Because the argument is being won by the Angry (I will now be referencing the voice/not voice as the Angry).

I am having an extremely depressing night. I just substituted extremely for very because of the movie the Dead Poets Society. My mind tells me to watch sad things on youtube. So I do. And then I want to watch a sad movie. And then the Angry sets in. Do it. DO IT. YOU ######6 COWARD JUST DO IT. I feel out of touch right now. I would do it with a gun this time. It would be finished. It almost feels as though my hands/arms are not connected to my mind. I can still feel them, but there is a disconnect. A gun would finish everything. I wouldn’t care about anything. I’d be dead, of course I wouldn’t care. Depending upon your beliefs there may or may not be anything after. I am almost anxious of what happens next. There is something, wait. I stopped writing to check my facebook.

How sad is that. I am trying to get the thoughts and the Angry out of my head and I have to stop for that ######6 facebook blip. Goddamnit. There is something that calls to me about suicide. It is almost a yearning. That is a good word to describe my feelings about it. I just got out of the hospital a few days ago. I was tempted to put myself back in tonight because I was having another night with the Angry. My dog is lying on my feet. I do love my dog. I am much calmer now. Earlier it was bad. I wanted to throw things and break things and hurt. I paused for a moment. I am downloading several movies and I thought I was downloading a duplicate of a movie, but I wasn’t. I was momentarily pissed that I was waiting to watch a movie that I already have. Now I am and fully focused on trying to get these thoughts out of my head. I still feel a weird disconnect between my brain and my arm/hands.

I don’t like it. I was having a panic attack earlier and I was considering taking more pills maybe a Xanax. But it never seems to help. I don’t know what is wrong with me. I switched from cigarettes to an e-cig. I don’t know if this was a good or a bad decision. I am vaping lower dosages of nicotine so that is good I guess. This is the first time I have written my thoughts out while in my arguments with the Angry. I’m considering letting my friend Tara see it. She might be able to help. I don’t think I will let her see this. It makes me seem crazy. I feel sick now. "

If anyone has a thought on these, please help.

Hi JD. I think there is much in your journal entry that a lot of us can understand. I've been there (and in the hospital too).

When you doctor diagnosed you with Bipolar, did they say which type, and did they talk about other features? You certainly seem to be obsessing. When you say:

don’t know why my mind continuously throws these images and thoughts up. I’m very tired. I have repeatedly called myself a coward for not ending my life. I argue with the voice and I’m not quite sure who the voice is.

The voice that you hear, does it seem internal or external? It seems internal.

When you say:

My mind tells me to watch sad things on youtube. So I do. And then I want to watch a sad movie.

Do you feel anxious if you don't, or attempt to tell the Angry (your mind) you don't want to?

Panic attacks, depersonalization (It almost feels as though my hands/arms are not connected to my mind), extreme anxiety, suicide ideation, OCD and other things can occur during different phases of highs and lows with Bipolar. I'm not saying this is exactly what is happening to you, but those are some of the symptoms I have and what they are.

Anyway, a lot of us know what you are going through. I am sorry it is as bad as it is now, and maybe knowing something of what is happening to you, along with treatment (have you started any?), will bring you to a better day.

Welcome to the forum.

Otter.

I think they said Bipolar 1. The voice is inside my head, but I don't know whether it is internal or external. I don't hear it through my ears. So I guess that makes it internal. If I try not to do what the Angry says, I do get very very anxious. I recently started Latuda and Tegretol. They said they were two medicines that would help. So far I can't tell any difference. Thanks for the welcome.

I'm sorry, instead of saying internal/external I should have said a voice which is audible, and a thought, which is not, in general.

Along with BP and Schizoaffective Disorder, I have Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD). For people with OCD the voice is usually an intrusive thought, but it isn't audible. However, we still often feel as if it is something or someone else, or coming from some unknown origin. We also find it nearly impossible to go against what these obsessive thoughts are telling us, or performing some sort of ritual (compulsion) to ease the fear we are obsessing over. It is not psychosis however, so they are not delusions - which is why even the most extreme thought will not be acted on or believed. The nature of OCD is to fear an irrational thought, not necessarily believe it.

Having BP1 the dynamic for your struggle with the Angry may have a different relationship to your illness. I assume you have laid this out for your doctor? If not, I would do so. We cannot diagnosis here (and I wouldn't dare even if I could) but I wanted to share some of my experiences (OCD).

As far as meds go, it can take a few weeks or more to take start working properly. Since you are keeping a journal, make note of any changes, good or bad - and tell your doc. If these are not effective there are other things to try. Your doctor can go over them with you.

Otter.